Melissa's thoughts

Goals?

2011-06-07T00:35:00.000-07:00

Goals are something the counselor brought up a couple weeks ago. Short-term and long-term goals. I haven't really thought about serious goals in a long time. I mean, the last time I had what I truly consider "goals" in mind dates back to high school and college. Back when the world seemed a little more inviting. :) So we talked about a couple...trying to get a little healthier, doing a few things for myself to make me feel better about myself in general. Put some damn makeup on! So far, meh. I'm bouncing back and forth. As I do on most things. I'll do well some days, not as well other days. Or I'll do well part of the day and not as well the rest of the day. I'm trying to stay in the mindset that doing bad for one day doesn't mean to throw everything out the window.

On Saturday night I went down to the boyfriend's work to meet him during his lunch, which happened to be 3:30am. I have probably mentioned that he works night shift before. I blog so sporadically anymore I have a hard time keeping track of what I have written. It was a nice night so we just sat outside and enjoyed the air. He began asking me about my goals. Has he been hanging out with my shrink?? I don't have any goals! I'm a nearly 30-year-old goal-less female. He asked about owning a house, financial, etc. I know I'd love to have a house someday, but it brings me to my problem I've had for quite some time- I don't know if I want to live in this area for the rest of my life. But I know he does. And I always imagined myself married before committing to buying a home. Goals and committing to them scare me. What if I'm too immature for this relationship? Wouldn't that be great? It's not like we both have jobs in my home area calling us or something. Nor would that ever happen, most likely. Buying a house probably won't be on the table anytime soon, anyway, nor the prospect of marriage, largely due to some credit cards I owe money on. I don't have bad credit, I just owe money. Right now it's probably a good thing; it gives me time on decision-making. I can't imagine making the commitment to a home and marriage without being sure...but will I ever be sure? I'm acting like he proposed or something-I know that's not the case, and we have only skimmed the surface of the home topic. But we have been together for over two years now. Blah, my brain is in turmoil right now. I need to be at least five years younger.

Stupid Government

2011-04-08T13:00:00.001-07:00

I know it took a long time to get to this point, many hands went into it, blah blah blah. But I just feel like the country is in fail mode right now. Then when I go on the web and read what little information I can stand, I see pictures of a bunch of stuffy looking men spewing their agendas. It's all a bunch of BS. I'm not saying the job is easy, and there is a lot of fixing to be done. But people are idiots! PS- This post was meant to be rambling and not necessarily meant to make sense.

Ah, cats!

2011-04-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a pic I took a couple months ago of the boyfriend's sister's cat, Nick, inside of the "kitty tank" they received for Christmas.

I think he's done now...

Getting shrunk (shrank?)

2011-03-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

Another Monday is almost here so I am starting on my endless cycle of going to bed too late and not getting enough sleep. At least this is a short week, since I am taking Friday off to go to Leavenworth with the boyfriend to spend a couple of days. I am quite happy we are going-getting away is nice and I have never been there. We're staying at a bed and breakfast and the room looks beautiful. If only we both get out of bed to enjoy our stay-even noon would be nice. The night person I am by nature has definitely been in full force for quite some time now, and it's starting to get to me. I do crave daylight and sunny days...not that we've been getting a lot of sunny days around here lately. But I'm pretty sure the weather was fairly nice this weekend and I didn't get to enjoy any of it, because I was sleeping. The boyfriend brings out that person in me even more, because he's a creature of the night (lol) and always works night shifts. He will always want to work those shifts; he feels he is pretty much incapable of getting up and having a morning job. So the only way I will get out of this cycle is to pull myself out of it. I've been this way for quite some time though. We'll see...

As for the subject of my post...I've decided to see a counselor. I've probably needed to do so for years and it has just been easier to put off. My lack of happiness lately for reasons I can't pin down, combined with issues in my life I know I need to resolve, led me to decide to see one. The first appointment is a free consultation to see if we "mesh". Well, that appointment was supposed to be on Wednesday but somehow her schedule and my schedule got mixed up and she had me down for this Wednesday. So, my first appointment went well, ha. We'll try again this week-she called and left me a personal apology so that was nice. I've never been to a counselor before so I'm not sure how it will be. I just know I want a female one-probably due to my issues being comfortable around men. I hope the door I'm about to open is not too painful or scary. I mean, what if I get pushed further toward a nervous breakdown because I start talking about things I've pushed aside? Ugh. Oh well, I'm going to go. Feeling unhappy for no apparent reason even when I'm taking an antidepressant is pissing me off. Ugh, again. I analyze myself too much. It's just who I am...can someone make me happy-go-lucky please?

Wax On...Wax Hair Off!

2011-03-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

My arms are driving my crazy-well, one arm in particular. And honestly, they were one of the few parts of my body that didn't drive me crazy, except that they're rather short compared to my torso. Anyway, one day a month or two ago I was sitting at my desk, talking to a couple people I work with. You can't help being around conversation in my row, that's for sure. Anyway, a coworker (a rather loud, but nice enough one) made a comment that has made me self-conscious ever since. I'll call her Michelle, because she likes President Obama so much I think she would be his wife in a heartbeat (and I don't mean that as an insult to her or the president). Anyway, she was sitting next to the girl across from me and she asked me out of the blue if I was Italian. I told her no and asked why, and she said because my arms were so hairy! She could only see my left arm at the time. The other girl laughed at Michelle a bit like she couldn't believe what she just said and chastised her a bit. I wasn't sure what to see, so I just said thanks and laughed. Michelle told me she didn't mean it as an insult and it's considered sexy by some and blah blah blah...but now my arms bother me! Especially my left one, it's much hairier and darker than the other one. All my body hair is dark, damn it. From my beard that I can grow as thick as a man's to the hair that decides to grow on top of my big toes. Oh, and I really am female, I promise.

The arms were never that big of deal to me. Plenty of women have some arm hair. Legs, even on top of the feet. But the beard that comes from the PCOS, and the excess hair on the upper lip have driven me crazy for years. Mostly the beard. And now there's much more obvious excess hair on my chest as well, because I made the mistake of shaving instead of bleaching a couple years ago. I'd make one sexy man! :) But I'm never going to start shaving my arms. That is something I will not get in the habit of doing. But oh how I'm tempted to go get them waxed just to see how it turns out. I think I wonder how many people have thought "her arms are hairy" over the years and not said anything. I like to push my sleeves up to my elbows, and I've started to cringe when I look down at my arms when I'm typing at work. Thanks for letting me know, Michelle!

Oh So Exciting

2011-03-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

It's 4:30am and I'm watching Netflix and...well I guess that's all. Not much interesting going on at this very moment. I've discovered I like the show "Brothers and Sisters" so I'm watching the first season. Despite being a drama primarily, I find myself laughing at various parts. Another work week is not that far away. I slept until 7pm Saturday so I haven't even been up for twelve hours. It's weird, sometimes I think of a lot to say and times like now, there's not much of anything. I think I'm in blah mode. The boyfriend and I supposed to go to Leavenworth in a few weeks so that should be fun. I've never been there. Hmm, okay, I'm boring and I'm going.

Did I Mention...

2011-02-28T03:23:00.000-08:00

That I really don't want to sleep? It has been so long since I've written that I want to write a lot of stuff. Also, despite the fact that I love my new template, it has me totally craving sweets? :) And I finally watched the show "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (I've been curious about it for a long time) and I really like it and want to watch more. It's on netflix insta-queue so I have plenty of time but I want more now! I have never claimed to be patient when it comes to most things. Also, I know that the minute I go to sleep I risk the chance of having the annoying, somewhat frightening dreams I've been having lately (more on that later), plus it will be time to go to work before I know it and start another week. Who really wants it to be Monday morning, anyway?

Changed Up My Design

2011-02-28T03:16:00.000-08:00

Happy February-almost March. Maybe I'll start writing more often soon. How do you like the template? I found some very cute ones thanks to my blogging friend-I followed the designer on her site. I got on here really quick because I need to delete a one sentence post. I was tinkering around with my phone, trying to link it to mobile blogging to see what that is all about. I got it to work-though I doubt I'll ever use it. Text messaging is annoying enough on a Blackberry, let alone writing a whole blog entry. And well, as far as I can tell there is no way to give the entry a title, which would frustrate me. The little things often do. I need to get up in five hours so maybe I should go sleep now!

Thoughts Driving Me Insane

2010-12-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

I'll just be upfront. My ex has been on my mind. It's stupid, it's crazy, but it's happening. I love the boyfriend. He is a wonderful man, and I do love him. The guy I just called my ex, well we were never officially together. We were friends and lovers off and on since 2004 and we didn't ever get to have a lot of time together in the same place at the same time. The last time I saw him was in September of 2008, when I dropped him off at the airport to leave the country for the third time since I met him. We hadn't broken anything off when he left (not that there was officially anything to break off) but I knew he was leaving for at least a year and that was that. I had my share of stupid decisions after that (having a rendezvous or two with men who were taken, dating a major jerk for about a month) but then the boyfriend came along in April 2009 and we've been together since then. And I love him. I really do...

I'll call the ex J. Well, J has always been a wanderer, restless if he stays in one place for too long. He wasn't a cheating, ladies' man type, so that's not the reason we never tried things officially. We have sent messages back and forth since he has been out of the country, and since I've been with the boyfriend. Mostly just talking about how life is going. He'll say something flirty once in a while but it's silly. I may say something back but it's nothing. It's usually more making fun of him than anything else. The lack of closure that we had is what comes back and eats away at me from time to time. When he left, it wasn't a permanent goodbye. It wasn't "I'll wait for you" either. It was just...he left. And it's not like he's trying to get me to be with him. He told me going after someone who is taken is not his style, he's seen how badly that goes. Him and I were never in the same place at the same time, and we probably never are meant to be in the same place at the same time. This is total rambling. Lately I am in one of those moods where nearly every song I hear I can relate it to something that had to do with him. He was in my dreams last night...across the parking lot at a grocery store, I had to squint to see if it was him and realized it was and he embraced me. And I still think the best week of my life was when I went to Japan and visited him when he was there. Do all women try to bring drama into their lives when things are going reasonably well? Is my restless side looking for a kindred spirit? I literally jumped inside the other night when I saw his name pop up on the game we both play...he signed in and started talking to me. Okay I am done for now. At least I got some of it out. Sleep soon.

Self-Sabotage

2010-10-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

That has to be what I'm doing right now. I honestly can't think of anything else. It's what I have been thinking that I may be doing, and after the boyfriend said he thinks it as well today without me even saying it I'm pretty sure it must be true. But why?
I miss so much work lately that I should be fired. I've missed every day of work this week so far. I don't understand myself. Sometimes I'll be so deep in sleep I won't wake up. Fine, get a louder alarm clock. I used to sleep through alarms for 45 minutes when I was a kid, not hear them ringing. But I grew out of that once I got a little older, until now it seems. But this isn't the sabotage I'm talking about...although it is pretty stupid that I haven't just went and got a new alarm by now. I'm talking about the other days I don't go. The days that I do wake up, come out of the bedroom, tell myself just a few more minutes and fall back asleep on the couch for two hours. I may even wake up again at a time that it is feasible to go in but I keep telling myself it's ok to sleep a little more. I know I'm doing an idiotic thing, but I do it anyway. I slept until noon today, despite the fact that the boyfriend had me reasonably awake at 7:30am. I came out, laid on the couch and told myself 15 more minutes. I tell myself at night not to do it, but morning comes and I do. And yes, sometimes I don't get enough sleep but I don't think it's that. The nights I do get enough I do the same thing. I can't answer myself when I try to figure out why I'm doing it. I don't hate my job. My boss has been beyond understanding but I'm afraid he's going to reach the end of his patience soon...like maybe I'll go in and get fired tomorrow. Then what the hell will I do?
While I'm at home, I might do a little but I mostly sleep and play my video game. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to turn into my father. I mean, not the jerk part, but I think the reason he lost jobs is because he just didn't go and laid in bed all the time. Hmm, who does that sound like? I'm trying to pinpoint when this started happening. I'm wondering if it's when my neurologist put me on a generic antidepressant that's similar to the one I was taking before. I have an appointment with my general practitioner on Friday and I think I'm going to ask her to put me back on the previous one, because it is different and I wonder if it was the change that started this...wish me luck.

Nothing Clever Comes to Mind

2010-10-19T03:57:00.000-07:00

I rarely have a clever title for my posts, so I figured I'd just put it out there right now. It's 4am and soon I will get ready for work, instead of sleeping. I'm wondering if I'll ever have a "normal" sleep schedule again. Oh well, no sense getting on that topic. That's for me, myself and I to work out. Or maybe me and a tranquilizer dart. :P

Oh, as for the saga of Faith...I'm pretty sure she didn't sleep with Jesse again. Joe is being a pretty big jerk now, in my opinion. He won't meet up with her to talk, so after a couple days when she started feeling stronger she told him it was fine, she didn't want to be chasing after him, to bring her stuff back and that would be goodbye. Then he said "friends?" and she didn't know what the heck to say. He was being a...ahem...dummy in my opinion by saying that at that moment. So she just said to give her the stuff back. The "stuff" by the way is some memorabilia she took to him at work a couple weeks ago to remind him of the person she is and remind him of them. She also gave him a card which he claimed he hadn't had time to read yet. She's a good artist and she put a painting of a rose she did in there and she really wants it back. So after she said no he told her he's not giving her stuff back. And that's basically where it's at right now. Joe used to seem like a good guy but now I don't know what he thinks he's doing. I don't know if he's just playing games, if he really has a girlfriend, or what.

What's going on with me in particular? Well a lot of birthday's are coming up. Plus Halloween will be here soon. The boyfriend's friends and family have a tradition of celebrating everyone's birthday's with a party and there are three in November but I believe we have decided to consolidate the parties into one. Plus the boyfriend's sister is having a party on the night before Halloween. As for the birthdays, one is mine on the 10th of November. I'll will be 29, yikes. Two of the boyfriend's friends are born in November as well, one on the same day as me. I kind of don't like sharing my birthday with someone else the boyfriend is close to...but shh, that's just between me and whoever actually reads this. :) It doesn't matter that much, really. Last year the boyfriend and I had only been together for about 7 months and I didn't want to make his friend's celebrate my birthday so I made sure that mine wasn't really the focus of any party. This year I figured I'd be part of it since it has been a lot longer. The other night everyone met up at a popular eatery we all go for dinner. I chose to skip and be lazy but everyone else showed. The topic of the upcoming birthdays came up and I guess one of the friends said "are we obligated to buy something for Melissa too?" The boyfriend apparently got protective and I think the matter was resolved quickly. But I don't want anyone to feel as though the are obligated to buy something for me. Sheesh. I honestly think sometimes the birthday thing gets a little out of control with this group, but I know it started for the sake of celebration. I'm just the whiny type who gets stressed by too many celebrations. :)

All right, I'll get going for now. A few more minutes and I'll get ready for work. And actually, maybe get there early. And people will react with shock and awe. Which actually starts to get on my nerves too. Hmm, maybe I'm too sensitive lately.

Two Mental Health Days

2010-10-13T03:51:00.000-07:00

I've taken two days off this week already, so I haven't been to work yet until I go in a few hours and have Wednesday be my Monday. Sounds good, right? *sigh* I wish I thought that. I still have been missing too much work and I have my mom freaked out because of it (mind you, she's over 300 miles away) and I really did not plan on missing any this week. But I'm not on here to talk about missing work and how I do it too often and I'm dumb for doing it. That's obvious and it has been covered. But I really felt as though my reason on Monday was justified.

It started on Sunday night...well, ok, it started three years ago but I won't go back that far. My friend, we'll call her Faith (Faith Hill is playing right now) called off the wedding between her and her ex-fiance a month before they were supposed to be married a little over three years ago. He was devastated, she was sad but felt as though she wasn't ready and wanted time. It led to a complete breakup. Flash forward to about a year and a half ago. She's together with a jerk (my opinion on the boyfriend, we'll call him Jesse) and talking to her ex-fiance again on a regular basis because they've always been best friends. We'll call the ex-fiance Joe. When she was together with Joe they lived in California and she moved up here after they broke up and he came up here to try to get back together with her, and left after a year or so to go back to be near his family and work down there. But Faith and Joe started talking again after she started seeing that she had lost someone she had truly cared for when leaving Joe, especially after dating a couple jerks and getting in a serious relationship with Jesse, the major jerk. Again, my opinion of Jesse the whole time and her opinion toward the end.

So...a few months later (keep in mind it has been 3 years between the original breakup and now, 2 years since she started dating Jesse) Joe decides to move back up here again and buys a house. Tells Faith to take her time getting rid of Jesse, that he's not going anywhere or looking for anyone. That was about four months ago, and Faith finally got rid of Jesse a couple months later, decided to give it one more chance because he promised to be different, he wasn't, and broke it off again last week. She contacted Joe because she wants to talk to him, to let him know she finally had to courage to break it off with Jesse, and he's pretty much ignoring her texts and phone calls. She finally gets in contact with him and he tells her he has found someone that makes him happy. She's freaking out. He says it's over and that he'll be her friend as long as she "plays nice" but that's it. So my friend Faith got drunk on Sunday night and went over to his house that way (thank goodness her brother took her keys away and drove her) and cried in Joe's arms while he told her he had a woman upstairs. He began crying as well I guess. I don't know, I wasn't there. So when she called me and told me that Monday morning, I asked her if she needed someone to be there with her and if so I'd call in to work and she said yes. So I did. There was no way I could really make it better other than being there but I went over and did my best to help. I'm not sure if Joe is really done or not or if he's blinded by lust for this new girl or if he's playing a game to make Faith feel as much pain as he felt when she left him. I mean, I completely understand where he's coming from. And if he moved on, well...then he did. My friend can be quite selfish...but it seems life he has loved her for so long and to finally change his mind when it was so close seems crazy. But I've never actually been around Joe other than meeting him a couple times...again, she lived in a different area when they were together.

I felt really drained after spending most of my day with someone in that much emotional turmoil. I fully intended to go to work on Tuesday, but I only slept from 11-2 very restlessly and then finally fell back asleep at 5am and just felt horrible. I didn't really talk to Faith much yesterday until the evening, she called to tell me that Jesse had contacted her. Yes, Jesse the one I don't like. Apparently he wants to spend "time" with her and he misses her. I asked her if she was seriously considering it and she told me that she was lonely and wanted someone and there wasn't any emotional attachment left anyway, and she didn't want to go look for some stranger to do it with. I told her if she went and did something like that I didn't know if I could continue to talk to her about this stuff. And that people sometimes have to go without sex. She said "well Joe doesn't want me anyway." The woman can't be alone. And I'm sure it's gratifying that he wants her. I can't say I've never made any mistakes, but I swear it's emotionally draining ME to watch her do this stuff over and over. I am reaching the point of wanting to bitch slap her. I think that's part of the reason I've wanted her to get back together with Joe-it sounds like she was actually normal with him. Is that why she couldn't stand to stay with him, she was actually happy?

Is death becoming more certain than taxes?

2010-09-21T22:09:00.003-07:00

I always thought taxes were honestly more inevitable to surround me at all times, but I'm starting to wonder. The boyfriend told me today that a man that he works with died over the weekend. This man was only forty years old and it was unexpected. He just...died. No accidents or anything like that. He had been tired a lot, had trouble sleeping and trouble staying awake, had some trouble breathing and had a doctor appointment the next day...that he didn't make it to. I don't know if it was a severe case of pneumonia or what. The thing is, this is the third employee that has died at the boyfriend's work this year. This is totally weird to me. And these are people he knew, too. Both the others were older but they were both unexpected as well. I told him he should get his butt home and stay away from the death trap. Of course it's not possible and it sounds insensitive, but it is a little scary.

I found out today my uncle needs a liver transplant. This is my uncle on my father's side, his only brother. My uncle is only 2 years older than me because my grandma had him so late in life by accident. He arrived extremely early and in 1979 they didn't know a whole lot about what to do when that happened so they gave him a lot of steroids and who knows what else to keep him alive. I believe all this resulted in him having medical problems his whole life - of course genetics could have been a factor. He had to have his spleen removed when we were kids. We actually were quite close while we were growing up. So I found out today via family on Facebook that he's coming over to the Seattle area to see a specialist and find out about getting a transplant. I don't know how easy it will be to find one. I've heard that he wants to give up. I hope he doesn't. I want to go see him, hopefully there is a good chance. And the boyfriend wonders why I don't want to have kids someday- see all the genetic stuff that runs in my family?

Up Too Late

2010-09-21T02:30:00.000-07:00

I really should write more often, but it just never seems to happen. Nothing in August, one in July, and only one this month so far. I guess that means I have other things to do...or I'm just too lazy. Honestly some days I have a lot on my mind and it probably would be good to get it out rather than sit and think about it but I feel like I don't have the energy to do so. And really, I haven't made many changes in my life lately. Oh and there are changes I need to make.

I've talked about the food/overweight/health issues plenty of times. I believe I have a doctor appointment scheduled for October and I haven't really made any effort to start eating better or exercising. Last week my friend wanted me to go walk on a trail with her and take her dog for a walk. The walk lasted quite a while and by the time we got back my back was killing me. It doesn't hurt on a regular basis but if I stand in the wrong position too long or walk too long it does. I think it is sick of carrying my gut around. I couldn't force myself to have good posture when I was walking up the hills on the way back because it hurt, and the way I was walking hurt too. I definitely need to get in better shape. I've always been obese but I have been in better shape than I'm in right now. That will help the blood sugar...I hope.

I'd like to write more but I believe I'm getting too tired. I want to get back into reading more, and I'd like to read some classics. Not many people read this, but does anyone have any suggestions? I'm debating between "East of Eden" and "Wuthering Heights" right now. OK, time for sleep.

Recent Events Have Me Questioning...

2010-09-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

Why on Earth do the good people of the world seem to be dying lately and the ones who live harshly and are not very good people are still alive? That may be a very blunt question, but that is what my half-asleep brain is thinking right now. A lot has happened this year to people I know and even to myself. I know two girls who have lost their fathers. I lost my grandmother. Granted, she smoked and drank a little more than she should have but she was still a good person. There was an accident in a mine in my hometown that killed a man who was only 29, with a wife and a newborn. He came from a family who had lost at least two others to mining. A fellow blogger lost a nephew who was much too young to be leaving this world in my opinion. Yet someone like my father is still here-he who hasn't done anything for anyone but himself in years. Someone who would hardly be missed if he was gone. Yes it sounds horrible for me to say these things about him to an outsider but it's the best example I have right now. But if people must be taken from this world I would think some of the awful individuals could be taken first.

Take Me Away

2010-07-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need to get away. But I can't figure where I need to get away to, or if I will feel any better once I get away to that place. In all honesty, what I feel like I need to get away from is myself. I don't think that's possible...But if it is let me know.

I'm really high!

2010-06-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

I got the monitor on Friday and took my blood sugar as soon as I got home. Well, one hour after eating. And it was in the 200's. Yikes, that is not good at all. I just started taking my pills again so I know they haven't had time to stabilize my system but I'm freaked out a little. What if she wants me to start doing shots of insulin the next time I go in? I can't imagine giving myself shots. :( A couple other times I took it it was better. It was in the 130's a couple mornings when I woke up, and in the 160's after dinner. Not good, but not as bad. Then this morning it was in the 200's again! But it had only been five hours or so since I had eaten. I had a few rice cakes before bed. All in all I'm trying to do better. I haven't had any major sweets since before I went to the doctor. It's hard to explain to the boyfriend about the difficulty I have with food, especially sweets. Yes, I crave a huge burger sometimes. Or rich pasta. But really sweets are my weakness. I can binge on something that is way to rich for most people. Carrot cake, cheesecake, endless chocolate chip cookies...it is actually a little difficult just writing about them. I feel as though I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to these things. Similar anyway. And I don't think I've met anyone in my entire life that understands it. Why I can't just say no. Or just have one. Ok I'll just have one...dozen.

So I'm officially a mess

2010-06-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well I had the doctor appointment. The main reason I wanted to go was because of the painful toe but I knew it was time to get the other, ahem, checkups as well. I've officially gained 20 lbs since last year. Since the last time I went there, which I believe was May 2009. Yeah, I knew I had gained weight, and I'm not someone who can afford to do so. A lot of my shirts aren't fitting well, although some of my pants still fall off of me. That's what I get for having a gut but a lack of an ass for my size. Anyway, I've been slacking off on my blood sugar pills for quite some time so it's time to start taking those regularly again. Why did I stop? They cause an upset stomach a lot which certainly gets annoying. But it's better than making sure I have an early grave I guess. I really need to start eating better. The doctor even talked to me about a weight loss surgery yesterday. She asked me if I've ever considered one. I've been overweight since I was a little (well, not so little) kid and generally someone who has been as long as I have doesn't change. There are some people who manage to do it but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's something I'll have to think about rather than immediately go for though. I talked to the boyfriend about it last night and he really didn't like the idea of surgery. He's overweight too but he hasn't been his whole life like me. He said he wants to try to work together to lose, but I usually discourage or push back. I felt like I was getting a lot of blame when I feel like he has never really pushed to start getting healthy. But I don't know, maybe I have pushed back and didn't realize it. God knows I resist and resist. If I didn't resist I'd be a lot smaller by now. So now I'm supposed to write down a log of stuff I eat and get a blood sugar monitor again. I don't mind, I know it's necessary. I want to get in the habit of writing down what I eat anyway.

After I got home and took a nap I checked my email and had a letter from the financial aid office at the school I was thinking about applying to. I was leaning toward not applying anyway, between schedules and now needing to get on track health-wise. But now I'm definitely not applying, because they will not even give me enough in student loans to fund the education! Let alone have anything at all left over. That's what I get for having four year degrees already I guess. Oh well. I guess it's just not meant to be, at least not right now. More time to work on me I guess. Speaking of work...I should do some of that. At least it's Friday...

I Wanna Go Home!

2010-06-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

Is that something new? No. It's pretty much my daily philosophy anymore. I never write lately but if something major happens hopefully I will share it with the few of you that read this. Anyway, I have a doctor appointment in an hour and I hope someone in charge will give me permission to work from home for the rest of the day. I don't have a lot of work to do but I do have some stuff I can take care of if I really want to. They have slowly been giving me more cities to handle at work. I think they can tell I get bored. The problem? I still often wait until later to start working on them because I know I can get it done in a shorter amount of time than I have. Sometimes I get paperwork for two cities a week in advance, and I have nothing due within that week, but I know I don't need that whole week to get them done so I procrastinate. I honestly think I just get bored easily though. Part of it may be a short attention span in general, which I think I developed with age and could be a side effect of the pills I take. But I think the rest is always wanting something more. I've worked here for nearly two years and the first year was in one position, the second in this one. I know we're not getting raises, I know I'm not getting promoted. I know I'm lucky to have a job and have people I get along with around me. However, I know this isn't my dream and back in high school I always thought I'd have a career, not just a job. Maybe it's because I was the smart kid back then, who knows? It has been ten years since high school, I have two bachelor degrees and nothing to show for them besides student loans.

I've been thinking about going to school lately, to be an esthetician. I've always loved the makeup/skincare/beauty industry in general and I think it would be quite interesting to work in. I even toured a school last weekend. The problem is, I would have to work full-time in order to have insurance (and most likely enough money) while in school. In college I never worked, so I can't imagine what that's like. And since I have a bachelor degree already, I'm not eligible for a Pell grant. If I get anything it will be loans most likely. But I don't think I could make it ten months with eight hours of work and four hours of school four days a week. I'm just not that ambitious. Especially since the school and my home are pretty far apart (downtown vs suburb) so it would be a much longer day with bus commutes.

Well, that's what's on my mind for now. Wish me luck at the doctor- I just love going! Ha.

A Whirlwind of Life

2010-05-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Why haven't I been writing lately? The lack of reasons to write? The lack of time? The lack of ambition? Probably mostly the last one, although I never feel my life is that adventurous so there you have it. But really some things have happened in the last month, so this post will probably be a hybrid of everything.
First of all, my grandma died on May 4th. She was actually my step-grandma, married to my mom's dad, but they had been married before I was even born so I'd always called her grandma. She had been sick with cancer for quite a while so it wasn't a surprise, but still upset a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely sad but I wasn't as close to her as many other people were so I didn't take it as hard I guess. So I went back to Idaho for a few days-unplanned trip and I had not made the drive by myself in quite some time but I made it fine. The funeral started to seem more like a church service, and I didn't really see why, but oh well. And I didn't cry, but I rarely cry at funerals. I guess I'm odd. I saw my family and tried to avoid most other people in the small area I am from. I'm not all that social of a person a lot of the time and I only care to see people I want to see. I am mostly like this about people from the past, AKA people I went to HS with. So I avoided the local Walmart, the one place everyone shops! But I did go to see my friend Tabitha. I've known her since third grade and we've had a lot of time apart off and on since then but she's a good friend still today. She has two kids and a husband now. It is strange sometimes seeing her now...I want to preface this by saying she is still a very pretty girl, don't get me wrong. But in high school (and a few years after) she was always fairly thin and fit society's definition of gorgeous. Not that she ever cared about that. She was never concerned about being popular and she is definitely a quirky girl with her own personality. :) But now she has gained quite a bit of weight and tells me she is somewhat depressed and often doesn't feel good about herself. I wish I could be there to be a good friend and help her feel better. But being around her family also got me thinking. I don't know if I'll ever want to have kids. I've felt this way since I was a teenager, honestly, and even though there have been a couple times that I thought I may feel differently I know that I really don't. And it's not because I look at her kids and think "ew", lol. It's because I can never see myself wanting to have that responsibility. And, well, the boyfriend feels differently. I was pretty sure of that when I first started thinking about it in Idaho and I clarified it when I got home. I asked him if his opinion on it was "No, maybe leaning toward no, maybe leaning toward yes, or yes." But he also said not to worry about it right now because he's not wanting to have them right now! I don't think he was even maybe leaning toward yes though...I'm pretty sure he was yes. But I'm not dwelling on it, which is surprising for me. I'm living for now when it comes to this.
Well, there are more things that can be talked about right now, including the talk I had with my mom regarding childhood, getting in a little trouble at work, and sleep deprivation, but I have done nothing today and I really need to get to work. Perhaps I'll get the ambition to post later?

A Case of the "Blah's"

2010-04-28T15:32:00.000-07:00

I've been in a very lackluster mood lately. Usually when my boyfriend and I are together I feel fairly happy- he is always making me smile and laugh- but in general I don't feel inspired to do much, and I find it very hard to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. Once I'm there, I find it very difficult to stay the whole day. Is it because I'm not getting enough sleep? That could be part of it, yes. But it seems that I can't get that back on schedule, partly because I'm a night owl by nature. Is it because I haven't been taking any vitamin D and haven't for months, despite the fact that I was told a year ago my level was extremely low. For some reason I just have the urge to get away for a while; to where, I don't know. I feel as though I'm craving something new and different and I don't know why. Maybe I have some form of seasonal depression, who knows? I probably need some kind of counselor, I have been on an antidepressant for years and I probably need more than that. I've talked a little about the stuff I've been through in my life on here and it probably warrants counseling at some point. :) But I don't even know how to find a "good" one. How the heck do you go about finding a good counselor, one that is easy to talk to, etc? Oh well. We'll see, maybe once the weather gets better my mood will change. And I'll make some effort to get more sleep when I should be sleeping(yeah, right). I've called in to work one day a week for the last month and I'm lucky I haven't gotten in trouble yet. Then I'll sleep those days away instead of being productive. And I'll sleep Sundays away too. I don't need to be the person who sleeps all the time, then loses their job and is worthless. AKA my father. *sigh*

Obsessed With a Song

2010-04-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I never write lately and that's bad. I need to get back in the habit but other parts of life seem to be taking over at the moment. And now I'm going to write something that is mainly just song lyrics and will probably not yield any kind of interest but oh well. At least I'll have a couple posts in April. I always seem to have some song I'm really into listening to at the moment, whether it's a few days, a few hours, or a few weeks. Obsessed is probably a strong word but oh well. This song came on when I was listening to iTunes on my computer the other day and I've been listening to it some and I do remember the person who used to think of it as one of their favorite love songs, which is the guy I used to date that I spent time with in Japan. I do seem to think about him on a daily basis, but not in a way that I wish to be with him. He does come into my dreams a lot however and that bothers me because I don't think that's something that should happen when I have someone in my life. I guess I can't control my dreams though. Anyway, back to the song. Here you go...have a nice day.

Love Song by Tesla

So you think that it's over,
That your love has fin'lly reached the end.
Any time you call, night or day,
I'll be right there for you if you need a friend.
It's gonna take a little time.
Time is sure to mend your broken heart.
Don't you even worry, pretty darlin'.
I know you'll find love again.
Yeah.

Chorus:
Love is all around you.
Yeah
Love is knockin' outside *YOUR* door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know
Love is all around you.
Love is knockin' outside **YOUR** door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.

Chorus / Outro:
Love will find a way.
Darlin', love is gonna find a way,
Find its way back to you.
Love will find a way.
So look around, open your eyes.
Love is gonna find a way.
Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way.
Love will find a way.
Love's gonna find a way back to you, yeah,
I know. I know. I know. I know.

Sadness

2010-04-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

I'm busy at work and I've written so little lately but had to put something down. My parents had to get their dog (Pebbles) put to sleep yesterday and it has made me quite sad. She was only 9 which I don't consider that old. They got her right when I started college so she wasn't a puppy I grew up with but she was a big part of everyone's life. I think it makes me even more sad when I picture the times she was around for my family and that she won't be there at those times anymore...greeting family members when they got home from work, always wagging her tail, loving the snow and hating the rain. But she's not in pain now and it's for the best. We'll miss you Pebbles.

I am still alive

2010-03-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

Just haven't been much in the mood for blogging. Perhaps something will strike me soon and I'll be writing all kinds of stuff. Until then...

Wordless Wednesday (a day late)

2010-03-11T17:10:00.001-08:00

Post-It Note Tuesday (I'm trying this!)

2010-03-09T11:36:00.001-08:00

Wordless Wednesday (kind of)

2010-03-03T16:14:00.000-08:00

Adventures in Moving

2010-03-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

So the move officially started on Friday, and it was pretty much over on Saturday evening, though there were a few things from my place that had to get picked up on Sunday, and my place and the boyfriend’s both had to get cleaned on Sunday as well. I got all but $25 of my deposit back so I was happy…the last place I live was so awful that the three of us had to pay over $600 back all together. So now everything is in the place but certainly not put away. He has a lot more than me but not all my stuff is put away either. I even missed work yesterday, partly due to simply being exhausted, and didn’t get a whole lot done. A lot of what I did was sleep, though. I think I needed it after the whole weekend and how tired I was. I’ll give you a synopsis.

I took Friday off because that was the day we started and the day we got the keys to the new place. That day the boyfriend hired packers to come over and get his stuff packed up, which sounded lazy to a lot of people (including some of you, perhaps?) but it was a blessing, really. They were efficient and given the amount of stuff he had and the lack of help we thought we might have it was a good idea. His sister came up and a friend of his came over, who can pretty much lift a car. :) At first we thought his sister might be the only person we would have to help with the move but luckily this friend was able to get time off of work. Another friend wrote the boyfriend an email saying it would be against his beliefs to help an unmarried couple move in together so…anyway, I was glad this friend came through.

The boyfriend’s sister brought two tall bookshelves from IKEA up to put together for the purposes of combining our DVD collections, and we decided to go buy desks that day and put them together that night because the majority of the stuff wasn’t getting moved until the next day. The packers were actually moving the stuff the next day (Saturday). We moved some of my stuff over Friday, but basically all I was able to do was hang some clothes in the closet due to lack of places to put other things. So, the boyfriend and I both found desks and we brought them back and by that time another friend had gotten off of work and decided to make his way over. I’ll tell you now we ended up with more help than we ever thought we would- the boyfriend has some awesome friends and I am very grateful for it. The desks, well, his was easy to put together. Mine was an accident waiting to happen. And it’s now together after hours of labor (by the friends, mind you) and the drawers don’t quite work correctly but I am not going to complain (at least not to them). It bugs me a little but I’ll live, the thing was so complex! They’re good enough and I’ll definitely be making cookies in the near future as a gesture of thanks. So that was the first thing that didn’t go quite right.

Other things- well, there are a few flaws in the place that maintenance missed that can be fixed and some already have been taken care of. The blinds in one of the bedrooms didn’t work, a burner on the stove didn’t work, one screen on the window was slightly torn (these have been fixed). The carpet doesn’t quite meet the tile at one point, which still needs to be fixed. The one thing really annoying about the place that can’t be fixed- lack of bathroom space! The place has two bathrooms…two. But it only has a cupboard underneath the sink in each bathroom and that is all the storage. Oh, and a tiny medicine cabinet. No drawers, no shelves, NOTHING else. So we’re doing our best to figure it out-buying drawers to go under the sinks for organization, most likely buying shelves to put up, etc. But the bathrooms are tiny, not just lacking storage, so there won’t be a lot of room for shelving. And you must understand, the boyfriend actually has a LOT of bathroom stuff. Possibly more than me, and I’m a girl (well, duh). I have tons of makeup, despite the fact that I rarely wear it lately, and it is basically in a disorderly fashion in these drawers now because it has to be. I don’t want to throw most of it out though, because I want to start taking care of myself again and putting effort into my appearance. But honestly the lack of bathroom storage seems to be the biggest obstacle so far.

Because we ended up with so much help (by Saturday we had the boyfriend’s brother-in-law and father as well) I didn’t feel like I did as much as I could have, but yet I was unbelievably exhausted Saturday night. We went and had Italian for dinner and then came home and I was ready to just lie around for a while. Then I started to feel gross…nauseous. Sometimes this happens to me when I have gone too long without sleep so I immediately tried to go to sleep but between my mind racing with thoughts from the move and my stomach being upset I finally got sick. I really think my body just didn’t like the food because I felt better afterward, though I hate throwing up (sorry, you probably don’t want to know). So yes, I haven’t done that in years and the first night in my new place I threw up. Welcome to your new home! That was my second thing that didn’t really go well…ha.

This is getting way too long, so I won’t go into a ton of detail about Sunday. Just cleaning, the boyfriend’s friends helped AGAIN. :) One of them helped us put some artwork up on our walls so that was nice. Then yesterday I stayed home, slept most of the time like I said. Then last night I woke up and did some stuff. Then my last thing (hopefully LAST) for the move that hasn’t gone very well happened. I get these pains in my mid-back. They are on the inside though and I’m not sure if they are related to gallstones or kidney stones or what. They hurt like hell and often travel to the front while I’m having them…or maybe the front part is from the way I’m breathing, who knows? Anyway, the first time I had one was last May and I was given some pain killers and told to get a scan but I never got the scan, oops. I have only had a few since then and maybe used the pain killers 2 or 3 times. So one of those happened last night and after waiting for a while I took a pain killer. So two out of three nights in the new place have been a little too adventurous. Hopefully tonight is relatively tame. If you made it to the end of this I congratulate you. Wish me luck with the rest of unpacking!

Something Quick

2010-02-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted much lately-last week was very busy at work and today was stressful until about 20 minutes ago when I got my city done and made the deadline, yippee. I'm either bored or super-busy it seems. I ended up doing a bunch of extra time on setting up the properties in the computer system for cities last week, so that cut into work time as well. I hate having that duty. A lot of us in the department get hours doing that, some more than others "glares toward supervisor's area" but I had to take others hours last week a few times and my Friday hours were busy AND I had a big city due Friday. *sigh* Oh well, that part is over. It really is surprising I got my stuff done for today with the time I had. Now I must wrap the rest of the week up before Thursday afternoon, because I'm taking Friday off. Yay, a three day weekend. No, not really yay...I'm moving. Yes, it's the big move and I'm not really looking forward to it. What I mean by that is that I really don't like moving. It's not that I don't want to move in with the boyfriend. I just don't like moving. Luckily I don't have a lot of stuff, that certainly works in my advantage. He has a lot but he hired movers, heh. Oh, has anyone else been craving a warm beach lately? I haven't been to Mexico in a few years and for some reason it sounds so nice, even though I've never been much for being hot. But with a pool and the ocean there how can you go wrong? The boyfriend and I are talking about going next spring. Well, I should get back to doing something somewhat useful, so this is it for now. Wish me luck on the move!

The Best Days

2010-02-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

I'll start off by saying I'm still getting flowers! Can you believe it? He wants to get me flowers every day until Valentine's Day. When he said the roses represented "the past" he meant that the flowers each day are meant to convey two years of my life...14 days in February multiplied by two and there you have it, my age. So I still have a few more days of flowers to go. I'm not sure if anything is happening on Valentine's Day itself or not. I don't know what I should get him. Originally I thought we were going to keep it low-key but now I'm getting extremely spoiled. What do you get a man for Valentine's day?

Anyway, that's not what this post is supposed to be about. Hmm, I'm not sure how to start. I guess I think a lot about how much I love the boyfriend and he has definitely changed my life for the better. I had a low point in my life before meeting him...my self-esteem has never been good and it still isn't but I think it bottomed out due to various things that had happened in 2008, including job-loss and romantic rejection. Despite a lot of the complaints on here about small things I am much happier right now than I have been at other times. However, I still can't quite say I experienced the "best days of my life" so far with him...let me explain what I think these are.

The best days of my life happened one week a few years ago. I went to Japan, stayed in Narita (near Tokyo) and visited a guy I had been dating off and on for a while. We dated off and on through 2008, really, but that's another story. Anyway, I have a bad memory so I don't remember a lot of details about the trip. And no, it's not from drinking. I think I may have gotten tipsy from sake once. But it was so carefree...being on the other side of the world where I knew no one but him, having absolutely no responsibilities, no one to keep track of me. And well, we were completely in lust with one another at the time too so that was part of it. And honestly so far I think those were the best days of my life. I want to have a carefree trip like that with the boyfriend so I can say that time was with him. Because I love my time with him, and some carefree time with him would be even better! I'd love to be able to say the best days were with him, and I'm sure I will be able to at some point. I have a feeling I'll always remember that trip to Japan fondly though...

More Flowers!

2010-02-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

I've received flowers every day this week...Monday, Tuesday and today. Monday was the red roses. Yesterday there were three white flowers...I'm horrible at distinguishing most flowers, but they looked like they could have been chrysanthemums? Today I got three more flowers! They are beautiful, but once again I don't know what they are. Shaped kind of like sunflowers with a smaller center. Yellow in the middle and light purple petals. I ruined part of one of them trying to get it in the vase but they still look good. When I asked about the roses on Monday he said they represented the past. I don't know what he's talking about at all, but he said I'd see soon. I don't know if he's going to try to give me flowers every day until Valentine's Day or something...it's crazy. :) Well, I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's day before, so I think this makes up for it!

Smells Like Roses

2010-02-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

My week started off with a surprise...I got in my car this morning, in a hurry as usual, and there were two red roses on my front window held under by the windshield wiper. It brought quite the smile to my face, though I had to grab them in a rush and put them in the seat and take off rather than go in and put them in water. That's what you get when you're me, eternally running late in an area where traffic is not your friend. I found a vase in the kitchen when I got to work, however, and they are currently sitting on a shelf above my desk. Too much danger of getting knocked over on the chaos that is my desk. This is really all I should write for now, though I want to write more. I have stuff I should do (aka work). And I am frustrated at my blog. I changed the layout and various settings and the comment/time posted/posted by area is messed up and ABOVE my post. I don't like it and I'm not going to grow to like it. I'm a creature of habit when it comes to this kind of stuff. :(

What is going on??

2010-01-31T15:19:00.000-08:00

The "comments" are now right under the title of my post instead of at the end. I don't like that! And I can't find a way to stop it. Lame. :(

I didn't bring anything for lunch!

2010-01-28T12:54:00.000-08:00

And I want something yummy to eat. All we have here is a vending machine with candy and chips and that's bad. Give me suggestions if anyone reads this! Hehe.

I SO Don't Want to be Here

2010-01-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

You guessed it, I'm at work. I really don't know what my problem is. I've had much, much worse jobs that this one. This job saved me from the Safeway deli and I will be forever grateful. Well, not this exact job but the company anyway. This is not a bad place to work by any means. I have a nice, cool boss and most of my coworkers are cool to be around as well. Let me put it this way- as much as I complain about one of them, it isn't at the point where that person picks on me or anything so I can deal with it usually. But most days I truly find myself wishing I was somewhere else. I certainly wouldn't say ANYWHERE else, but somewhere else. The problem is, I don't know where. In a gorgeous house on a beach next to the ocean? Sure, that sounds great. But lets get serious...

Obviously I wasn't born into a trust fund or I would have talked about it by now. And I don't think I'd be working full-time. Probably volunteering and vacationing a lot. It has been 10 years since I graduated high school and I was the valedictorian of my class, though it was quite small. When I graduated high school people expected me to do something with my life. I expected me to do something with my life. Sure, I received college degrees but all I have to show for it now is a ton of debt. Why do I still think I need to find a field that "means" something to me, or that I feel like I was meant to do? I know a lot of people who go through life not doing something that they feel they were "meant" to do. My mom is an administrative assistant for an accounting firm, and she enjoys her job, but I doubt she feels like it was her calling. Most of the things I think it would be wonderful to do are extremely difficult to get into anyway. I think it would be great to be a writer, but I haven't written anything in ages and I don't even have any ideas anymore. Photography is something that I really like, but that's a pipe dream as well. I may have a slight knack for seeing pretty pictures, but it takes a lot more than that. And there's a part of me that would still like to go back to school and get my master's and become a counselor, but I'm still not sure that's what I want and I better be pretty damn sure before I even try to work something like that out.

Hmm...I guess that's all my brain can come up with in this area for now. I really don't know what I'm searching for, but will I know when I find it? Or perhaps I'm just being my whiny self.

It's almost 2am

2010-01-22T01:42:00.000-08:00

A country song is playing and I'm blogging. Don't worry, I won't post the lyrics to this one. It's good, but doesn't make me want to cry or anything like that, ha. I haven't written in the past week, probably because I've actually been busy at work. I tend to write at work or in the middle of the night when I'm at home. I'm usually at the boyfriend's on the weekend and I don't write there because he actually doesn't know I have a blog. Of course, you probably figured that. I have complained about him a few times in it. He really is a great guy but wow he made me mad Monday night. I got up to change to my jeans, grabbed my keys and was going to walk out but he got up and put his arms around me and told me not to go. It all went back to the "alone time" again. He told me he had said that he wanted to be alone on Monday night and I said I didn't remember that and finally got pissed because he needed the night before alone as well and he was making me feel like I am just a pain so I was going to leave. Plus we are going to move in together next month and I've asked him multiple times if he's sure, because he won't get 'nights alone.' He always says he's sure. Granted, quite often I plan on actually being asleep once I'm not 'going over' and it's actually my home. I don't feel as though I need to be with him every second, which is probably how a couple sentences above came off. I can go more than a night without seeing him. But I get annoyed at the fact that it always seems to be him that decides when we will be together. I guess it's hard for me to make that decision when it's his place however. I pretty much always want to see him when he wants to see me however. Ramble ramble ramble. Who cares? I've met women much needier and much more psycho toward men than me, believe it or not...

Work has been a bit overwhelming this week. I got a couple new cities, which is good because I've been bored. However this happened right before a busy time on my calendar and a long weekend so I've been behind. I think I got somewhat caught up though, we'll see. I really need to remember to bring my iPod and headphones in with me every day. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to work with it on, but I think I'm going to lose it if I hear much more of the drama coming from "the cubicle" over yonder. I hope my coworker and former coworker aren't offended when I blog about being annoyed at coworkers, but it drives me nuts to hear this day after day. I've been dysfunctional when it comes to men before, don't get me wrong. But have I been this bad? Day in day out it's some sort of needing advice, I'm done, what's he thinking, what does he want, etc... I have been this way. It was always over one guy at a time. And there have only been a couple. She is constantly going out with a new guy, fretting over him, asking all these questions, and constantly being disappointed. I probably sound callous. But the main reason I'm annoyed is because it's ridiculous how loud it gets over there. I hear all the man problems because of how loud she speaks, and it gets really old when I'm trying to concentrate on something. Well, it gets really old in general. Now the way the office is set up it is easy to hear other people's voices/conversations, but she is just louder than necessary. Even on personal calls...or sometimes especially on personal calls. I also hear all the noise from the lunchroom in my cube so that can get old as well. I could write a gossip column for the office because of the stuff I don't even try to hear.

Ok, this has really just been random stuff because I'm not really focused on anything. Tomorrow after work I'm supposed to drive south of Seattle to help the boyfriend cat-sit for his sister and bro-in-law for the weekend. We've done it before and it's nice to be in a house, just a little crazy because they have five cats, two are kittens and extremely hyper. Just not looking forward to driving south in rush hour on a Friday...

Apparently I'm a spice girl

2010-01-14T16:46:00.000-08:00

We had cake at work today for my boss's birthday. Apparently spice cake is one of his favorite kinds so that is the flavor our department had. It's not one of my favorites but face it, it was cake and I had more than my share. Big surprise. Not to say it wasn't good, but it wasn't carrot cake or chocolate cake, which are my favorites. I see the inspirational blogs that my friend GypsyJody has been posting lately and it makes me want to do better. There have been times in my life where I have done better. But it has rarely been eating well and exercising at the same time. Generally it's a half-assed effort to exercise combined with eating fairly decently. Once I make an effort to eat well and eat less I tend to lose immediately. That's what happens when you're over 100 lbs. overweight rather than 10-20 pounds overweight like some people. My grandma, 67 years old, is probably only a size 10, MAYBE a size 12. That's amazing to me, I'd love to be her. But she can't help but wish she was a size 6 or 8 like she used to be. I always hear people say "oh, if I could only get down to the size I used to be." Ha, I wouldn't mind being what I was a couple years ago. But not what I was in college. I reached my highest weight in college. About 25 pounds higher than I am right now. I'm now at the highest weight I was in high school, which does not please me. Food is certainly a comfort thing to me, as well as the perfect distraction when I'm bored. And sweets are totally my biggest weakness. And not the kinds that are "fat-free" like licorice. Oh hell no. Cookies, cakes, ice cream, cheesecake, all the worst ones for you. And it's not that I don't love greasy cheeseburgers and rich pasta. But if there is hamburger sitting in the refrigerator I can resist making one and eating it. But if there are homemade chocolate chip cookies in the place, I am going to be devouring them all day. Sometimes I'll go part of a day lately thinking "I'm going to eat well" and the next thing I know I'm eating something bad without even realizing it. That's how much trouble I'm having with getting in the mindset of trying to do well again. My attitude toward getting healthier is so warped right now I can't even remember it from one moment to the next. Do I need to write it on the back of my hand or what? Well, it's about time to leave work. And I really want to stop at Jack in the Box and get a cheeseburger with fries and the fat girl's ketchup. *sigh*

What is it with me and depressing songs?

2010-01-12T02:48:00.000-08:00

I heard this one over the weekend I was at my parents' house during Christmas. They get a ton of channels and they get the country one that actually plays videos. Well tonight I got on iTunes and remembered this one and downloaded it. I've always loved songs about heartbreak and this one certainly applies. I thought for years it was because I was constantly chasing someone who didn't want me...a couple different someones, but none of them ever wanted me the way I wanted them. Well here I am, finally with someone who cares and I care for him too, and I'm still loving the heartbreaking songs. I mean, this one made me cry, tears rolling down my face. Is it because of the hurt in the song, or because of the past? Or maybe I'm just tired, I tend to get weepy easily when I'm tired. I wish it was a little later, I'd seriously just go to work and get it over with. Anyway, this post is about the song. As usual, here are the lyrics. Gah, I want to snuggle with a teddy bear right now.

"Keep You" by Sugarland

We said goodbye. Tried our hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So run away, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' someone else who wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.
Then all that disappears.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

Suddenly I'm FRUSTRATED at the world

2010-01-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

And I'm too frustrated/don't have enough time to blog about why! ARGH!

The Fat Girl's Ketchup

2010-01-07T01:06:00.000-08:00

I hear a lot of people talk about french fries lately. About how french fries are their weakness, and the greasiness is incredibly fulfilling when consumed. Some people are better at resisting than others. I'm not one of these people. Why, you ask? A lot of the reason is because I love "the fat girl's ketchup" so much.

Have you heard this term before? I hadn't until last week. I hope it's not a copyright infringement or something. Anyway, it's a term for ranch dressing and I guess using it other places besides a salad? Well, I love it. And especially on my french fries. Which probably explains why McDonald's fries aren't a major weakness of mine, because I don't dunk them in ranch. But as for other places...I love Jack in the Box fries with ranch. I got a little pissed at the boyfriend one time when I got Jack in the Box and he only asked for two ranch. You see, I got chicken strips that time instead of a burger, and two little containers of ranch is not enough for chicken strips and fries. Yes, I love it on my chicken strips as well. Red Robin is another awesome place for this. I often get "clucks and fries" and of course a container of ranch. Chicken strips and fries dunked in ranch, my own little piece of greasy, fattening heaven.

Now I can't say I'm one of those people who puts "the fat girl's ketchup" on everything. Chicken strips, fries, sometimes on my salad (if I ever have one) are pretty much my main things. Sometimes sandwiches if I'm going all out. I've seen some people put actual ketchup on almost everything. I find it strange. But I'm sure others find me strange. I take something fattening and make it worse. Ketchup would be better, even if it has sugars in it. I even decide to make my burgers worse...I choose mayonnaise on those rather than ketchup. I didn't even know I preferred that until college. Gotta love what a college education did for me. So what should we call using mayo in place of ketchup? Hmm...

WHY?

2010-01-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

Why can't I ever concentrate on my job? I can't even blame it on sleep all the time. I got plenty of sleep last night. Ten hours or so. BLARGH. I need to be employed, I certainly can't survive on my looks. I have debt, that's for sure. And even if I'd like a few weeks off, I'd go insane after a while, I know this about myself. And the place I work is certainly not a bad place. So WTF is wrong with me? I barely got anything accomplished yesterday and today has not been any better. I'm looking for excuses to leave, yet I know I don't have the time and I need to stay. Is it because I know this was not my calling in life? I don't know WTF my calling in life is. I don't really think I have a calling in life. To eat a lot and lay around and sit on my fat butt. Well, I often lay rather than sit. Do you know how dirty my room is? Well, not necessarily dirty but messy. I can blame a lot of it on not being home and being tired when I am home, but my goodness it's pathetic. Piles of clothes, various boxes, mail. It's sad, I should not be that messy. I'm not a teenager. I think I'm wishing I was or something. Or maybe I should have been a teacher...long breaks would be nice.

Shoes!

2009-12-30T13:46:00.001-08:00

I ordered some and I think they are cute, since I'm not the type who wears heels. Hopefully they will fit-here's a pic!

I should be sleeping

2009-12-30T00:45:00.000-08:00

I don't even have the excuse of being at the boyfriend's place right now. I'm simply awake too late, which is the case 99% of the time. I should at least be reading. Although blogging is more productive than playing my game. And something that should be done since it has been over a week. But I told myself I'd do a little reading tonight. You see, I've had the last Harry Potter book since the day it came out, however long ago that was. Quite some time ago. But I haven't read it. I've diligently read all the others, but not the last one. When I was back in Idaho for Christmas my sister received the movie for the next to the last one as a Christmas gift. We watched the movie one evening while I was there. I hadn't seen it yet. I have read that book, only once and I don't remember it very well. I felt as though a lot of stuff was left out, even though I don't remember a lot from the book. I did like the movie though. Anyway, it made me want to come back and read the last book. And then read the one before it again. Will I actually do so? Hopefully. I'm such a slacker when it comes to reading anymore. I really need to stop being that way. Even if I can't bring myself to read some of the educational sociology stuff that I really do find interesting, some engaging fiction is better than nothing. So we'll see, hopefully I will start it tomorrow. Because I really should sleep after writing this...

Christmas was pretty good. It's always nice to be back in Idaho, although I have one major complaint that I do feel bad about. It's smoke. My mom's a smoker (and yes, I did smoke for a year) and I could hardly stand it while I was there. It wasn't because she smelled like smoke or anything like that. It's because she smokes in the house. And it's not a large house. So I felt like there was constantly smoke in the air while I was there. I grew up with it my whole life and didn't notice it, which is funny. Now it's totally obvious to me. When I went back in the summer I noticed it but not as much. I guess in the summer the windows are open and that sort of thing, though. I don't really feel as though I can throw a fit and tell her to go outside or something. It's her home and she does a lot for me. But man it started getting to me. The day I left my sinuses started bugging me and I was attributing it to that. But then by the time I got back to W. Washington and was picked up by the boyfriend it was turning into a cold. So now I'm sick. Merry Christmas and happy New Year, heh. Second time I've been sick this year, and I rarely get sick once a winter. What's going on?

I need to feel better soon so I can do a little shopping. I'm getting fatter, which needs to stop, but I'll go into that on another blog. But I received some money for Christmas and I really need to go get some new jeans, undies, and shoes. My only pair of comfy semi-dress shoes have the sole falling off! Any suggestions for a place with comfy plus size undies and comfy shoes that are wide-width? NOT heels. Ok, it's really time to go...

What Can I Say?

2009-12-22T15:10:00.000-08:00

Right now I don't have anything I want to blog about. I'm just at work and I'm REALLY BORED. I'm done with everything that needs to be done. As a result, I've decided to take all of tomorrow off instead of part of it. I WANT TO LEAVE. But there is one responsibility I have that involves emails that come through at random times so I'm not leaving yet. And besides, I really should stay as long as possible to get hours and use less of my dwindling vacation time. I mean, I could go into something serious I guess...things I've thought about going into just to get them out. I did post a serious blog or two on here about stuff that happened when I was younger. And I guess Christmas reminds me of those times, which is unfortunate, because shouldn't someone just enjoy Christmas? And it's not that I dislike the holiday. But I feel as though I never got to enjoy it the way a child should...
And of course it relates back to my father. The morning of Christmas Eve was always filled with nervous anticipation because of him. Christmas Eve was a tradition of going to my grandma and grandpa's (Mom's mom and stepdad) for dinner and present-opening. My father always 'hated" going and used the excuse "they didn't like him" and blah blah blah. In front of his little kid, me, mind you. And so he would put off getting ready, take way too long in the bathroom, etc, and we would always be at least two hours late. Two hours late! And that was after a huge struggle to even get there. And then the grandparents and the rest of my mom's family were always completely nice to him. I do always remember getting tons of presents from my grandparents, which was awesome. :) *sigh* But it was awful getting there, and I was always afraid this one relative would piss him off once we got there. Most of the relatives catered to my dad's asshole personality, but not all. Then of course after we left in the evenings, we never went home immediately. My father was a regular pot smoker and probably still is, and my mother actually was too until I was around five. He'd end up taking us to some friends place and I'd be up with them all night and not get to sleep until some awful hour. So then I wouldn't wake up until noon or something to have "Christmas morning". Isn't a kid supposed to pop out of bed at 6am and not be able to stand it anymore? And I don't think he was there for me opening my presents; that part I'm not sure of though...
And then Christmas Day...my other grandparents' house is where we'd go (his parents). The place would generally be crowded...he has four sisters and a brother...I have a lot of cousins on that side. That day would be filled with nervous anticipation as well because someone would ALWAYS get in a fight. Be it a pair of his sisters, or my father and my grandpa, it was always someone. So that always made Christmas merry, believe me. And it was a small house in a cold area so there certainly wasn't anywhere to escape to. At this point I don't remember at all what anyone fought about...stupid petty things I'm sure. I just remember feeling upset and nervous. I honestly don't think I cried though, although knowing the person I am today I'm surprised I didn't. I generally cry when upset...maybe that has developed with age. I think crying would've made it worse and I knew that, but I really don't remember. It's strange I don't remember many of the details but just how I felt in general...did I forget them on purpose or were they trivial? I do have a bad memory...or maybe I was just too young...

One of my favorite blogs to read...

2009-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

...has now become private and I miss reading it already! I know I have never met this person but I love reading her blogs and find her to be very funny and entertaining. If you happen to read my mediocre blog, I want to let you know I miss yours! :) I'm pretty sure you'll know who you are...

Almost Christmas...

2009-12-17T21:43:00.000-08:00

I get to go back to my stompin' grounds for Christmas...aka northern Idaho. The land of mountains, trees, and very little traffic. Don't get me wrong, western Washington certainly has some mountains and trees but it is not lacking in traffic. But anyway, I fly out on Wednesday afternoon and I don't come back until Sunday afternoon. I'm looking forward to some time back with the family. I haven't seen any of them since July. I've lived here for over a year and a half and they still have never came to visit me! My friend Rachel's parents come to visit a lot. They're in a different situation I guess...it's just her mom and dad left at home and only her dad works, whereas my mom and stepdad both work and I have a fifteen year old sister still at home. But I believe the lack of desire for being in a city plays a big role. My mom cringes at the thought of driving around in the Seattle area and has no desire to spend time in cities, except perhaps Vegas. :) They'd all have to fly, which would be spendy...and ride with me, which would be stressful. I'm excited to go back, I hope it goes a little better than last year. I had a lot of people annoyed at me because I had started smoking last year and so I was smoking while I was home. A little drama ensued, nothing too major but it put a damper on my mood on Christmas Eve. I quit last January so hopefully nothing will do that this time around. Well, of course there are always things that can put a damper on your mood...I have a feeling it is going to be the last Christmas I will see one of my grandparents. She is actually my step-grandmother, but she's been married to my grandpa (mom's father) since before I was born. Anyway, she's had bad luck with health for a long time, but I guess this time it started with lung cancer and has progressed into other things. I'm not even sure what all at this point. My mom told me but I honestly can't remember, horrible as that sounds. I just know it wasn't good. But we'll see. I hope for the most part it will be a good trip home. There is always a lot of running around involved for my family on Christmas Eve and Christmas. No staying home either day, which makes time fly even more. Time flies regardless, unless I'm waiting for a microwave. Or a lot of the time at work...

My Addiction-Part 2

2009-12-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

So I think I need to start taking some nights off from the game. Right now I'm doing my best to convince myself to not play at all this evening, or just do a little bit. I'm not saying I play the whole night every night, but it's often a good chunk of it. I'm sitting here at work telling myself to read a book, watch a movie, clean my room, GET SOME SLEEP, for crying out loud. I'm not going to the boyfriend's so this would be a great night to get some sleep! But I get to be done with work early (yippee holiday luncheon) so after I go yell (ok, I'm not much of a yeller) at Verizon about my one month old phone being awful (a whole other story) and pick up my mail I will have the rest of the day free. How can I spend all day in front of a computer and then do the same at home? I will definitely need glasses in the in the next couple years. I really should read or something. But with the lack of sleep I got I will probably just go to sleep. And if I go to sleep in the afternoon then I will be up all night and...the night owl schedule for the girl who works during the day. Sometimes I think I miss things at work because I'm tired. I should try a week of getting enough sleep, see how I feel. Ha, that'll happen! My blogs are so random...off to get luncheon food!

Sentimental Songs

2009-12-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

Songs about the past and looking back on memories tend to bring tears to my eyes the first few times I hear them. If you can believe it, the song "I Go Back" by Kenny Chesney made me cry the first few times I heard it. And it's not meant to be sad. Why is it songs that look back on the past make me tear up, or even completely cry sometimes? I really can't tell you. I had some good times back in high school and college, but I don't want to go back and re-live them by any means. Who wants to go through the cattiness of dealing with female teenage friends again? But I don't know, I think part of me is always going to wish things had been different in my childhood and somethings had been different in my teenage years as well. So maybe that's why. But I'm not sure. I truly don't understand exactly what it is and I don't know that I'm the person that will figure it out. LOL, maybe I'm just a wimp! Anyway, here's a song I heard for the first time yesterday, brought tears to my eyes and down my face, the whole routine. Oh, the lyrics anyway. The song, if you feel like listening, is on Daughtry's website...

September by Daughtry

How the time passed away
All the trouble that we gave
And all those day we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste?
All the promises we made
One by one they vanished just the same

All the things I still remember
Summers never looked the same
Years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September
We still played out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear
There's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long
That summer's moving on
Reach for something that's already gone

All the things I still remember
Summers never look the same
Years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September
We still played out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Yeah, We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would up here the way we are
We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

All the things I still remember
Summers never look the same
Years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September
We still played out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Quit Your Bitching

2009-12-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

As you can tell by reading this, I bitch a lot. About myself, others, and life in general. But I try to do it quietly and/or in a place it won't affect others. Well, there are some women I work near who are constantly bitching. And they are much too loud for my taste. But anytime anyone is too loud for them the one will go "shh!" All the coworkers who sit right next to me wear headphones, if that's any indication of how loud it can get. Well today I got to work late, which happens more often than it should lately, but anyway...I have a city due tomorrow, and when contracts expire for the city and the city didn't cancel them you have to extend them before the previous day's cities bill or the contracts are gone and you have to duplicate them all. Therefore when there are only one or two we usually wait to turn them in till early afternoon even if they are done to make sure everyone has the stuff for the next day done. I got here at 10am, and it was the first thing I was going to do today when I got here. Granted, I planned on getting here by eight, but still. The minute I started to put contract numbers in it wouldn't let me extend them. Those in charge had already turned the only one due today over to be processed. They are supposed to go around and ask before they do so, to make sure everyone has the stuff done for the next day. And unless it gets late and someone is really slacking, they're supposed to wait a bit if someone needs the time. Well, the main boss found out what happened and emailed to tell them to make sure to check from now on. Well, quiet duo that they are (sarcasm), I heard them start bitching immediately about how people should have their stuff done and if not to let them know and blah blah blah. I think I even heard my name, which is really dumb considering how close I sit. How can they (mainly one of them) not realize how loud they are? The other one said well if I have such and such city done I can't believe others don't have theirs done and blah blah blah. Well, I guess I see her point there because all I hear is SOCIALIZING from over there all the time so it is pretty amazing. Ok, back to work. Grrr.

My Addiction

2009-12-01T17:09:00.001-08:00

Some people think only men are addicted to it. I used to think that. Well, I knew in my mind it couldn't ONLY be men, because that's just not possible. Plus I then found out my best friend was once addicted to it. She still dabbles, but doesn't have the time like she used to. I know someone at work who is addicted. She has been for a few years though. Like my boyfriend. I didn't get addicted until I met him. I just watched him at first, thinking "why am I getting involved with someone addicted to this?" Then after a couple weeks he wanted me to try. And try I did. I knew nothing at first. There is still a LOT I don't know. Ok, so what is this addiction? It is called World of Warcraft.

Some of you are probably going "huh?" and others may be groaning. Maybe there's someone out there reading this who actually likes it. I don't think that many people read my blog though. :) I would have been with the groaners up until meeting the boyfriend. In fact, when I found out he was into the game after meeting him, I wanted to groan. The guy I dated off and on for years was into the game during our last "on" phase, and he used to leave me on the weekend to go play it with his friends. Boy, I grew to hate that game. In fact, he left a comment on facebook when I said something about enjoying playing the game, about how I used to hate it. I said hey, bucko, you never invited me to try it. Well, not in so many words, but you get the point. I'm not going to go into what the game is and why I like it for those of you who know nothing about it. It will take too long and you'll hate me because I'm not that good at getting my point across. If you want to know anymore about it, go to www.worldofwarcraft.com. And no, I'm not trying to promote playing it. I have to say I probably would've gotten frustrated and quit if the boyfriend hadn't been helping me at the beginning. He's one big teddy bear :) of knowledge and I still ask him questions. I'd probably blog a lot more if it wasn't for my addiction. Ahh...World of Warcraft and diet Coke...I'll be content.

I'm still out here...

2009-11-30T09:33:00.000-08:00

Alive and kicking. No time to blog right now, I've got work that's due today and who knows if I will get it done on time. I'm doing my best, but it's the price you pay for a long weekend. Anyway, did anyone else think that long weekend went way too fast? I haven't had a chance to blog lately because of a horrible addiction I have. It's not illegal, I promise. More later!

Reasonable vs. Unreasonable??

2009-11-18T16:14:00.000-08:00

So I got upset at the boyfriend last night. He does this thing every once in a while and it really bothers me. Ok, here's what happened. I stayed home from work yesterday, and ended up sleeping till 4:30 in the afternoon. My intention was to go in late rather than not go in at all but I just couldn't get out of bed. I had actually gone to sleep really early the evening before so all in all I got about 21 hours of sleep. But I have a lot of paperwork to do for my city that is due Friday so I sent a text to the boyfriend and asked him if I could go over and use his table to write up some stuff, since I don't have one at my place. He works evenings, 2:30pm-10:30pm if I hadn't gotten that across before. He said sure so I got my stuff together and went over. I figured I would be spending the night so I got some PJ's and some clothes to wear to work today. Well, a couple hours later I got a text saying he wanted to kick me out before he got home because he had work to do and I'd be too much of a distraction. God it pisses me off when he does that. It has happened once or twice before. I made a remark back, then I just told him I'd be out by ten. Often I have things I'd like to tell him about, discuss our days, etc, and he'll do something like that. I guess it hurts my feelings slightly as well, because I can't believe I'm that demanding when I'm around him. I've listened and seen the way some other women talk to their significant others and I KNOW I'm not that demanding. Another large part of what bothers me is that we have talked seriously about living together when his lease is up in March, and he's not going to be able to have "nights off" from me when that happens.

So anyway after working for about an hour I went home, and slacked at home like I always do. We ended up talking on a messenger through the video game we both play (yes, we're nerds) and discussing some stuff. He told me he did want to see me but I am pretty demanding when we're together, and although he loves it he needed to get things done. I told him I'm really not that demanding, he needs to think about the times when I fade into the background when his friends are around and do my own thing and pretty much let him be. I told him if he'd just let me be there on those nights he had other things to do I could be the same way. I also told him that maybe it was HIM who had the problem when I was around, wanting to be with me instead of work, not because I demanded it. I hate that word. DEMANDING. Toward the beginning of the conversation he said something about if we live together we should get a two bedroom place so the second room could be his "den." I basically said I didn't like that idea. The second room can be for both of our computers/work stuff, and we can feel free to shut one another out if the other needs to get something done. He said he knew that was a better idea and he was selfish about this stuff a lot, the 'alone' time and stuff. He actually said something about a fear of commitment last night, which I didn't realize he had and it scared me a little. But I think it was moreso a fear of moving in together and no longer having the personal space. If he's not ready, he's not ready. We have a few months. Sorry, this is a bunch of rambling about my relationship. But is it unreasonable for me to get upset about this stuff? I know he cares and he's a good guy but I think it's like my mom says...all men are selfish on some level.

Wordless Wednesday...took forever to find a good pic

2009-11-18T03:32:00.000-08:00

The Dentist

2009-11-17T03:29:00.000-08:00

All I have to say is "ouch" and I'll leave you all with that.

Okay, not really, but wow. I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in a couple years. Yes, I know I'm horrible. But after moving from Idaho to Washington I hadn't bothered to find another one. I really liked the one I had back in Idaho and I think that made me not want to look for a new one. Well, a lady at work recommended this one so I went finally today, after getting the recommendation in July...yes, I'm a slacker.

Anyway, I went in and they were really nice...somewhat fake nice, somewhat real nice. There was some of both I think. Of course of there is some of both in the coworker that recommended the place. So anyway, there was a bunch of stuff that happened but the part I want to tell you all about is the pain. Yes, pain. The hygienist did what is called "periodontal charting" I believe, and it hurt like hell. Now, I don't know if it hurt like hell because my gums are unbelievably bad or because she presses harder than the average person, but I was literally starting to twitch in my chair. It seems like I have gotten this done before and it wasn't as bad, but maybe not. I don't know. Anyway, in the end apparently not only did I get to be poked and prodded painfully, but it was concluded I have periodontal disease and need a deep cleaning and a few other things. The fact that I'm type 2 diabetic made it easier for me to get this bone loss and have gum problems, but I really should have been taking care of my teeth. Maybe this exam wouldn't have made me want to punch people?

When I was a kid, I was scared to death of the dentist. I'm not sure why, but I was. A lot of kids are I guess. One time I think I was given a mild tranquilizer before going. When I got into my teenage years, I started going to my old dentist and their philosophy was "no pain" and I really liked that place. I got over my phobia of the dentist. But maybe my little kid self saw the exam I had yesterday in my future or something! Anyway, my mom has had a "deep cleaning" at the other dentist before and she said they numbed it beforehand. I wonder if this place will? Or should I keep a flask of whiskey in my purse? No, wait, vodka. Much harder to smell. Eek!

Wordless Wednesday? (I'm trying it)

2009-11-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

My Birthday

2009-11-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the big 28. It has been 10 years since the big 18, and only two years from the big 30. Crazy stuff. I don't really like having a birthday. If I remember correctly, I was only told happy birthday by a couple people last year, even though a lot more who were directly in my life should have known it was my birthday and at least called or sent a text. Strangely enough, I rarely talk to these people anymore. I wonder if I'll hear anything tomorrow? :)

Enough birthday bitterness--well, one last thing. It's on a TUESDAY this year. What a lame day. But I guess anything other than Friday, Saturday, and maybe Sunday is pretty blah. Ok, back to good birthday things. The boyfriend, his sister and brother in law took me to dinner on Friday at the Cheesecake Factory for the big 28. The boyfriend asked me on Thursday if I wanted my present on Friday night or if I wanted to wait until my actual birthday on Tuesday to get it. I told him it didn't matter, it was up to him. I wasn't incredibly curious yet. He said his sister really wanted to see the look on my face when I got it. Then he started giving me all these hints, which made me extremely curious and so I told him he had to give it to me Friday night. Can you guess what it was from these hints?
1) It's smaller than a breadbox
2)It's mostly one color, but the other color will stand out more
3)The size can be changed
4)It "marks" me in a way (this is when I asked him if he got me markers or something)

Eh, there may have been other clues, but I can't remember. It ended up being a garnet necklace made of white gold. Totally sweet of him. I could tell how eager he was for me to get it and how much he wanted me to like it. :) I definitely like it. Although a couple others had me wondering if it could be some kind of engagement ring or something. *gulp* I really knew he was too practical to do that but a couple things he said made me wonder. We'd definitely need more time and discussion before he'd do something like that. His sister and bro-in-law got me a movie and a bunch of homemade cookies. I only shared a couple with the boyfriend. Yes, I'm stingy about my sweets and the gut shows it. So I won't be getting much of anything on the actual day, which is fine. I already got the present from my mom as well- a new cell phone! :)

This Saturday we will be celebrating two more birthdays, two of his friends are born in November as well. One is born on my birthday. It almost bugs me. :) I'd like to have my birthday all to myself where my boyfriend is concerned, not have one of his best friends born on that day as well. But this friend is a nice guy so I'm ok with it. Listen to me, I sound like a spoiled brat. But since when was November such a popular month for babies to be born? People need to stop having so much fun around Valentine's Day!

Burning Nose

2009-11-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

I've heard if your nose itches, company is coming. Or that you're going to kiss a fool. There's another one too, but I've forgotten it. I think it means you're going to sneeze (duh). Aren't I creative? Anyway, what causes your nose to CONSTANTLY BURN? Because that is what mine has been doing since I got up this morning. Well, since I sneezed five minutes after I awoke this morning. All in all I'm feeling better but I woke up with a nose that won't quit burning on the inside. It's not intolerable...not even making my eyes water. And no, nose, that's not an invitation to make it worse. But it's constant and annoying and I want it to stop. I've been taking drinks of hot teas and waiting for them to make my nose start burning to see if after I swallow the nose will stop. It doesn't. How would an ice cube up the nose feel? *cringe* I'm not to that point yet. Although I swear my nose started burning more after I wrote that. Just as long as I'm getting better at all that's good. I don't want to be sneezing all over the place at the Cheesecake Factory when I go to dinner for my birthday tomorrow. Wish me (and my nose) luck on no more itching, watering and burning. I guess worse parts of me could be itching, watering and burning...that's food for thought.

Totally Depressing

2009-11-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting here reading others' blogs and thinking of writing one of my own, and I had the TV on for background noise. "The Office" is on, which is a show I've never really watched but it just happened to come on the channel. For some reason, a horribly depressing song came on during the show, which is usually funny I guess. It's a song I have and used to listen to often, because I'm a queen of depressing music and love to torture myself with it when I'm upset, and still like to listen to it when I'm in a decent mood. However, I haven't listened to this one in quite a while. It made me jump when I heard it. That makes me think the last time I listened to it on a regular basis was probably when a guy I had in my life off and on for a long time left last September. Or else I just thought my computer started playing it on its own! Anyway, I've included the sad lyrics. *sigh* It's by James Blunt, by the way.

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

It's November

2009-11-02T12:29:00.000-08:00

The time changed so it will be dark even earlier. Yippee. (insert sarcasm) My birthday is next week, I will be 28 ,yay! (insert more sarcasm) I am sick right now, hopefully I will be somewhat over it by Friday because I guess the boyfriend, his sis and bro-in-law are taking me to dinner for my birthday. That's pretty cool. (not really sarcasm) I got sick because of all the people at work sick-don't come to work sick darn it. Oh, wait, I'm at work sick. I guess I'll just go home. Oh crap, I just got an email from a city and I'm probably going to get in more trouble. My Mondays are not going well lately. Fits gonna hit the shan.

I think I finally figured out...

2009-10-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

How to make the comments work! Yippee. Not that I get a lot of comments...but the ones I get are good! :)

The Toilet Runneth Over

2009-10-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that correctly. My toilet overflowed last night. Not once, but twice. *sigh* It was not a good way to end my work day on a Monday. Well, on any day for that matter. I've never had that happen to me before. The first time I just looked at it in horror and had no idea what to do. It was only water, but it was A LOT of water. I only have two towels so I immediately got them but they were nowhere near enough to take care of the mess. All I could think is "I want my Mommy" or "my Grandpa would know what to do!" Yes, it was traumatic.

Right after that the lady I live with (it is really her place, I just pay rent to live there) got home and I told her what was happening. Luckily she owns a ton of towels and gave them to me to use. After using about ten(!) it was reasonably cleaned up. She told me to try plunging and flushing again. Well, guess what? It started overflowing again. I held the plug down inside the tank so it didn't overflow as much but it still did a good amount. This time I used a fleece blanket, of all things, to do cleanup because I was running out of options. I told her it didn't work and I would pay for a plumber or something because I was not trying it again. She said she hated for me to have to do that because it was expensive but she had a number. Then she said she would do it because it's her place and it's not my fault it happened. I said I'd at least pay half because it's at least somewhat my fault. A few minutes later she said after she ate and went to the store she'd give it a go before resorting to a plumber. I said that was fine and I was going to go to the boyfriend's house to wash the towels. I wanted to get the hell out of there before more overflow happened. Oh, and when I was cleaning up the second time, it started making gurgling noises and THEN I thought to turn off the water source...smart cookie I am.

Dragging soaking wet towels in garbage bags is not a fun task, but I was glad to go over to his place and get out of there. It took me a few hours to wash and dry all the towels, the blanket, and the bathroom rug so that wasn't part of my evening plan either. I was sitting at his place when I received a call from her. She told me she got it fixed, it just needed to be plunged one more time. I said thank you, I'm very grateful and I'm sorry about the mess. She said it was fine and I had to do the hard part anyway. Yeah, I guess so. But I'm still scared to death to flush that toilet. But at least my brain tells me to go to the water source now. Yes, I'm getting a little too detailed now. What can I say, I got a lot less sleep due to the fact that my evening didn't go exactly as planned...zzz...

As Good as it Gets

2009-10-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

My brain is totally random most of the time. I'll be able to link the strangest things together. I don't know if I've become this way as I've gotten older or if I've always been this way. Could it be a form of ADD? I don't know. It's certainly not ADHD. I am FAR from hyperactive. Anyway, case in point. I just bought some noodle salad from the lady that comes through and sells items in the lunch room. I was hungry, it looked decent and I haven't had a salad like that in a while. Well, it got me thinking about the movie "As Good as it Gets". Why, do you ask? Because of this little area of the movie-

Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...
Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

Yes, the fact that I had some noodle salad made me think of this movie. Well, and the fact that I love this line. I think it may apply to me. I do sometimes get pissed that others had/have it better. But then something horrible will happen to someone, whether it is someone I am close to or someone I don't even know, and it usually puts me in check and I'll quit it for a while. I think one of my issues isn't that my life doesn't have any "pretty stories"...it's that I'm just so much better at focusing on the other ones. And some of the nice ones I don't even remember. Hmm...there is more to this, but I really should work. To be continued...

My Old Job...

2009-10-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

The one I've been done with for nearly four months already...well, I'm being a nice person and helping the people that do that job out today. But man, I don't necessarily feel like being a nice person right now. I'm TIRED. I'm tired a lot lately, and it's not just because of staying up until all hours to see the boyfriend. I haven't stayed there the last couple of nights and I'm still tired. Is it because work leaves me uninspired? Wow, I can rhyme. Part of it could be the days that keep getting shorter and shorter, which will continue for two more months. Ugh. I don't know. I'm not always in a bad mood. Just when I blog. Ha. I'm really in a better place right now than I was for all of 2008 and part of 2009. During that time I was unemployed, smoked, dated a jerk or two, had a one-night stand or two, lived with disgusting roommates, and had some friendships tested (some of which failed). Why on earth do I still have this discontent feeling inside me surfacing from time to time? It honestly happens most often when work is involved, I think. Which is why I feel as though something inside me is telling me that I need to figure out what I WANT to do. Because I really don't mind where I work. And the job isn't bad, for the most part. When I have a day that it seems as though I've done a lot of stuff wrong it grates on me, but I live with it. But I've worked in much worse jobs, with much worse people and bosses. Hmm...or maybe I miss my family. It would be nice to have them a bit closer to see every once in a while. Ok, enough analyzing. I guess I do use my psychology degree...on myself!

Sick sick SICK!

2009-10-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm barely posting anymore but...apparently swine is getting closer to home now. At work, at least two people have kids who have it. And a third person has a child who might have it. And I think that person was just here WITH HER CHILD. I'm not sure if the kid was here too or not, I sit not too far from her and I didn't hear him. But if so, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BRING HIM IN HERE? Okay, I need to get back to work. Especially if I decide to become a swine and can't get anything done. :P

The "Cool" Crowd

2009-10-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

In high school I wasn't in it...and it looks as though nearly ten years later I'm still not "quite" good enough. Why do I slightly care? I'm not sure...

Revealing Some Things About Me

2009-10-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

Someone else's blog encouraged me to write something a little deeper today. Something more than complaining about my job or talking about my boyfriend. Oh, and last night's "Grey's Anatomy" may have contributed as well. Let's see, what happened on Grey's Anatomy last night. If you don't watch the show you'll have no idea what I'm talking about but here goes. Meredith and Lexi's dad came into the hospital with a failed liver. This was due to all the alcohol he drank, although he had been sober for 90 days I guess. Anyway, he actually was a dad to Lexi growing up so she immediately got tested to see if she could donate part of her liver to him. She wasn't a match. Meredith barely knew him growing up. He had never been a father to her. She had no intention of even checking if she could donate to him. But Lexi pleaded with her and she was a match and she did it. Yes, it's just a TV show. But of course it got me thinking...

My father is a jackass. Plain and simple. I haven't talked to him in over 10 years and I don't plan to any time soon. I've only talked to him once or twice since my mom left him in 1997. I was a freshman in high school. I put up with him for the first 15 years of my life. And there's no way I can imagine donating part of my liver to save his life. And knowing the way things go, I'd probably be a match. That's just the way it is. But I wouldn't even get tested.

One thing I do like about living in the area I live in now is I know I'm not going to see him when I'm out and about somewhere. Living in my hometown there was always a chance. Granted, he was such a recluse and rarely came out unless it was to go to the bar at night so it wasn't that like even back home, but there was always that possibility. But why, you ask, did was I so scared at the thought of running into him? Even I don't really know...

You see, growing up I knew my father had a temper. That much was obvious. And you could tell by the look on his face and the evil gleam in his eyes when he was mad. The thing is, he never hit me. I don't recall him ever even yelling at me. This is why I'm not quite sure why I get a horrible feeling in my stomach at the thought of running into him, or hearing his voice on the phone. My mom was the one he hit. I didn't even witness that very often, although I was not a dumb child and knew what was going on. I'd wake up to tables turned upside down and holes punched in walls. Finally the glass was broke so many times in our coffee table we put plywood (sp?) in it. *sigh* I think the worst part I remember...well, since I didn't really witness the abuse to my mom. The worst part I remember was the abuse to our dog. We had one dog until I was in middle school or late elementary school or something. I'm not sure, I really don't remember timelines all that well. Anyway, he was incredibly abusive to her. God, it's pissing me off just thinking about it. She'd just be laying in her bed, minding her own business and he'd walk up to her and start kicking her and moving his foot around on her roughly. And that wasn't all. But I can't write about it anymore right now. How's this for a nice Friday blog? I need a shrink.

So it's October...

2009-10-05T00:02:00.000-07:00

And the daylight hours are definitely getting shorter. My least favorite part about fall and winter. Icy roads rank pretty high up there too. But anyway, I didn't really see any of the daylight hours today. I slept and slept and slept. The boyfriend woke me up before he left for work at one in the afternoon and told me I should get up, he didn't want me to waste my whole day. Well...I went back to sleep after he went to work and woke up around seven in the evening. Horrible! I sleep so much on the weekends, and I really do think part of it is due to not sleeping enough during the week. I've read before that the body cannot "catch up" on sleep, and basically it's a night to night thing, but I think that's BS. Or my body does anyway. But then the pills for the seizures factor in. One of them has a side effect of making me drowsy, and I am on a high dosage of that one. And seizures also make me tired, and well...Saturday evening, when I was going to be ambitious and make cookies, I felt like I was going to have one and so I immediately went to sleep. I'm not sure if I had one or not. I haven't in quite a while, and I usually go to sleep immediately after having one if I can, but I also try to lay down or sleep if I feel like I'm going to have one as well. Of course this isn't always possible. I've been bad about taking my pills lately, and have been missing some as well. I was never this way until I moved to this area and got on a bad sleeping schedule. Even in college I didn't tend to miss my pills...not that I even had pills that worked in college. Often I'll be so tired I fall asleep at an odd time without taking them, and by the time I wake up again it's too late for that dosage. Etc, etc... There are a few things I'd like to change about myself...my weight, the fact that I can grow a beard like a man (no, I'm not exaggerating), feeling depressed...but I know if I had to pick one, as much as I'd like to pick the weight, I'd pick the seizures. I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life, especially when they truly don't always work, because my body always has to be difficult. At least I found a doctor in Spokane after having them for years that helped me. I don't have a lot of faith in doctors after that. I've had three that lost their licenses. Not due to me, by the way. Although one I could have helped with...I won't go into that.

Yes, that was some whining by yours truly. I don't write a lot of uplifting blogs, do I? Well, I hope this week is better than last week. I started last week in a discontent mood due to a little conflict with the boyfriend, then that got better about halfway through, then work got worse, lol. I'm planning on going in early to get everything done that got neglected last week, but it's going to happen on no sleep since I slept the whole day away. *sigh* I better get up though! I will be in deep doo-doo. But the boyfriend did get me some pretty sunflowers last Thurs night when he came home from work...that made me smile. And this week we've been together six months. Wow. This Saturday we're going to a play downtown. On the advice of his sister I got him tickets for his birthday. We've talked about going to something before and it sounded interesting. I hope it's not a flop! Oh well, we can just kiss the whole time. Just kidding! We're not that way in public...and we're not in the back row. lol.

Okay, it's time to maybe try to sleep. We'll see. Another blog of random thoughts...I guess that's one of the ideas I had for the blog.

Have I Ever Mentioned Two of My Favorite Things?

2009-09-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

Long walks....and short piers.

LOUD!

2009-09-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

Do people not realize how loud they are being when they are on personal calls? I don't get as many personal calls as some others do around here, but when I do have them, am I that loud? I can hear someone's phone conversation in the lunch room perfectly right now. Granted, I can hear a lot of conversations in the lunch room perfectly, but is it really required to talk at top volume on the phone in the area for everyone? And my supervisor, I can always hear every word of her conversations. Just a mini-rant. Plently more on my mind, but I have other people's work to do...ha. Well, it is technically someone else's, but I'm helping, not doing all of it. And I better get some help when the time comes for my markets to get a makeover!

A Conclusion I've Reached

2009-09-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

Most of the subjects of my posts have to do with wanting to leave work, or dreading going to work. Pretty sad huh? I really don't hate my job. I've had a job or two I hated and this isn't one of them. But I don't love my job. I think very few people do though. I wish I had a job I loved. But I don't even know what I'd love to do. So there's a predicament right there. I think most of us get burnt out though. I read an article on Yahoo a while back that said people in the US, on average, work more than most other countries...well, industrialized ones anyway. We even work more than the Japanese, who are often seen as work-aholics. Could this contribute to why so many of us would rather go sit on the couch and watch TV at night instead of go for walks? We are worn out and feeling lazy from working so much? If we had to work less, would we want to be physically active more? Who knows? Maybe I should've went to grad school for sociology...this is something we might research.

Well crap, I better go. Looks like I might have messed something up in billing. Just received an email from a city. Repeat to self "I like my job, I like my job."

It's Sunday...

2009-09-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

...which means tomorrow is Monday. And I don't like Mondays!!!!! I vote we start having two day work weeks and five day weekends. For the same pay, though, ha. Actually, for more money...

First thing this morning

2009-09-23T07:18:00.001-07:00

I get to work and I have a message from one of the bosses in the office telling me to "kill and reset" something. There was some various verbiage in the email that was supposed to be some sort of explanation, I suppose, but it's gibberish to me. I don't like getting a message telling me something to do that I don't know how, especially when there is no one here to ask about it. BLAH. And I'm SOOOO tired. Should've grabbed some five hour energy!

I need to go...get me out of this office

2009-09-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

...I need to buy a birthday card. The boyfriend's birthday isn't until Saturday but I am ready to go hunting for a card. I want a heartfelt, sweet card. I'm normally the girl who always buys a humourous card, even for family. But for the boyfriend, even though we make each other laugh like crazy, I want the card to convey how much he means to me. But not be too overbearing. So I think I may be in a card shop for a while. And I need to pick up the mail. I ordered the boyfriend's present on Thursday and I hope it gets here before Saturday! We've talked about going to some kind of play together since we met, so I bought him tickets to a show for his birthday. Well, a ticket for him and a ticket for me. :) And I'm going to give him a picture frame with three slots, and each one will have a picture of him and I in it. I'm going a little too romantic overboard, maybe? I don't know. He likes it when I tell him how much he means to me. But maybe a card that is more simple but has a few words written by me in it would be better. Ah, who knows? Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow to go look. I would like to check the post office tonight for the tickets though. It will make me really sad if they don't get here on time. But they are coming from downtown Seattle, you would think that wouldn't be too difficult. *sigh* I think it's time to go home. Oh wait, I got here late...I really shouldn't leave for 45 minutes...but I don't want to get started on something else. Maybe if I sneak out...shhh... :)

Friday Friday Friday!

2009-09-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

And OF COURSE I don't want to be at work. I NEVER want to be at work on Friday anymore. I think I've reiterated that in this blog multiple times. Of course it doesn't help when I don't have anything due till next Friday so why would I want to work today when I have all of next week to do so? Help me out here, give me some motivation.

Last weekend was a long weekend because my friend Mike was in town and I hung out with him and went to a wedding with him as his date. Truthfully, I wasn't really needed at the wedding as his date but it was a nice wedding and reception so I'm not complaining. Oh, and I caught the bouquet. *gulp* LOL, I don't really believe in that stuff. Mike only ended up staying with me two nights, not on Friday because he had to be to the wedding early so I stayed with the boyfriend that night. I was happy because I thought we'd have to go much longer without seeing each other. Pathetic, I know. Well something about me staying with Mike and still coming back to the boyfriend made him really happy and put him a...rambunctious mood? Hehe. Threw me down, used his mouth...um, anyway, needless to say I was pretty tired and was almost late for the wedding on Saturday.

Enough about that...I'm getting a little too risque. This weekend should be rather uneventful but I think I need that. I was on the go too much last weekend and therefore I have been tired pretty much all week. And I decided something last weekend too...I don't think Mike and I are ever meant to be friends like we used to be. We have so much history together, more than I could ever go into on here right now. But he was only here for a few days and I was getting so annoyed with him by the time he left. We used to spend all our time together and it was fine. But before he moved a couple years ago I had reached the point that I was just ready for him to go because I was constantly annoyed at him. You would think I could be around him for a few days without feeling that way but it doesn't seem to be the case. We used to fight like a married couple, so is it like we got a divorce and now we're like a divorced couple trying to be friends? It works as long as we talk on the phone sometimes and that kind of thing, but constant contact for a few days doesn't. At least for me. I may write more later about the things that were bothering me, but I should get back to work. Why can't it be six hours from now?

Yada Yada Blah Blah

2009-09-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

Here I am, at work, not working. Oops. I've honestly been working all morning, and I'm much more diligent at this job (so far) than I was at my other one. Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone in my old department that. Toward the end I got so bored I was falling asleep. The lack of sleep I was getting didn't help, I'm sure. And of course I still get a lack of sleep plenty of nights but I've only caught my eyes closing once or twice since I've been over here and it has been a couple months. I think this one will stress me out at times and knowing a deadline is definitely a deadline will cause my brain to say "hey, you can't be tired." It's good for me I think. In the other department things needed to get done but OT was against the rules and therefore only so much could get done. Probably why it was easier to fall asleep when I was tired. Speaking of being tired...

The boyfriend kind of pissed me off on Monday. Yesterday certainly didn't help. We went to his sister's house to cat-sit for the weekend. I had a long weekend, he didn't, so I was there Sunday and Monday by myself. His sis and bro-in-law have three cats and two kittens, which I knew. I was actually excited to go there, because even though it is in the area I liked the thought of getting away and being in a house. I was in the house from Friday night until we left late Monday...well, early Tuesday morning. I didn't bring my car because the place is really hard to find and I wouldn't have wanted to leave anyway. He got home from work and we needed to clean up so I could get home and salvage a little sleep before coming to work yesterday. I was napping when he got there...only half-asleep really, and he fell asleep in the chair. Now, I understand he had been working all day so he was tired, but the minute he fell asleep I couldn't sleep anymore because I didn't want both of us to sleep all night and then I'd be screwed in the morning when I had to go to work. So I got up and started cleaning and getting ready to leave and he got up a bit later. The moment he pissed me off: There was a paper bowl with ice cream residue in it, and he asked "are you the one you has been eating ice cream out of paper bowls?" I said yes, and he said "quit that, it's wasteful. They could be used for a picnic or something." I looked at him and said "I'm 27 years old, I think I can decide what I want to eat ice cream out of." He looked at me and said "are they your bowls?" A couple random comments were said back and forth and I walked upstairs, and I was mad. I felt like he was treating me like a little kid. For the rest of the night he would be sweet and hug me and tell me thank you for helping, then say something that would hit me the wrong way. I think the combination of the bowl comment, being hungry, and being cooped up all weekend put me in a mood I get in sometimes, where I take everything offensively. On the way home we stopped to get food, and I told him what had ticked me off and he apologized and said that it was something that his parents had always lectured him about and it just came out for some reason. He said he becomes very business-like and straight-forward at work and often a coworker who is older than him calls him "dad" and he must have still been in that mode. I said it was okay and let it drop...but I have a hard time letting go of things that bug me, so it was still in my head somewhat.

Yesterday I heard nothing from him for a long time. And if I hadn't texted him I never would have heard anything. I sent two messages during the day, one saying have a good day and one telling him I hoped he had time to get enough sleep and some down time, since he said he needed both. Didn't hear anything. I fell asleep around 6pm, woke up at 12:30am. No text messages. His hours make it so he's always up at 12:30am so I sent one, saying I hoped everything is okay since I hadn't heard anything. I got something about 20 minutes later, saying he was fine, just completely wiped out. So, let me understand this. You're so tired that you can't send a text message? Do you know how many days a week I operate on hardly any sleep? And I certainly can type a text message. I didn't say any of that though. I don't really remember what I said. Nothing mean. Probably just feel better or something. *sigh* He really is a nice guy. I am just unbelievably frustrated right now. My mom says my stepdad is a brat about being tired, and he's a nice guy too.

So tonight my best friend from college, Mike, is coming into town from Florida. He's going to be in one of his fraternity brother's weddings. He is going to stay with me for three nights, originally wanted to stay with me tonight too but I can't take Thurs and Fri off of work and the lady I live with wouldn't want me to leave Mike at my place alone so I'll be meeting him after work tomorrow and taking Friday off. I was in love with Mike for a long time, but he's gay. lol, yeah, you read that right. I finally got over it after years, and it has been a few years since I got over it. We used to be inseparable but we went through some difficult times when I could hardly stand him anymore...kind of sick of each other I guess. We hung out like we were a couple and fought like we were married. An interesting friendship, I guess. :) Anyway, since he's staying with me he's going to be staying in my room. If I didn't have a boyfriend he'd automatically be sleeping in my bed, no second thoughts. But I have a boyfriend...and the boyfriend and I basically decided it wouldn't be appropriate and one of us would sleep on the floor. Well, I've been thinking about it and it seems kind of silly when I have a queen size bed and Mike is GAY. But at the same time I can see my boyfriend's point of view so I was going to discuss it with him tonight when we get together. But who knows if we'll get together now, since he's so TIRED? I don't want to tell Mike it's okay to sleep in my bed without discussing it with the boyfriend, but I certainly don't want to do it via text. And I am refusing to text him today unless he texts me anyway. It's the last night we'll be able to see each other for a few days since Mike's in town and he has a friend coming over because it's the only night the friend could get together. He said he still wanted to see me, but unless he gets a hold of me and asks I'm not going over.

This is certainly my longest blog and enough blabbing for now.

So I haven't written in a while...

2009-09-09T03:15:00.000-07:00

...and I have various things on my mind at the moment. However, sleep would probably be in my best interest. Especially since it would take a while if I got into everything that I'm thinking about. So maybe I'll have time to write tomorrow evening...if I can get the cleaning of the room done first. Or maybe steal some time at work tomorrow. Ha.

Fat is Me

2009-08-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

So I've looked at the scale a few times lately...appears I'm gaining weight. I've been surprised it has taken this long to start. I've been eating really bad for a long time and my body got back up to a certain weight once I started eating bad and kind of stayed there for quite some time. The strange thing is, I've had more than one person ask me if I've lost weight! That would normally have me questioning if the scale is messed up but clothes are fitting differently too. I sat down at my desk when I got to work this morning, and looked down to see my stomach sticking out and hitting the desk. GROSS! At that moment I thought "I've got to start doing better." About 30 seconds later I heard candy being poured in the dish behind me. What the hell? Who has it in for me? Yes, a normal person could probably hav e a few and get on with his or her life. But this is me we're talking about. Almost anything chocolate I will sample each time I walk by until it is gone. I am an overeater when it comes to sweets, and a binge eater at times as well. I love chocolate, peanut butter, ice cream, cookies, cake, etc. I've loved most food, especially sweets, since I was a kid and so I've had a weight problem since then. I wasn't born with one, I guess. I was only 5 lbs 3 oz! But I know I had one by kindergarten...sooner but I'm not sure how early. Maybe having nicotine in my system while I smoked for a year sped up my metabolism? Or going off the pill made me gain a little weight rather than lose? It doesn't really matter, it's only a measly 10 lbs. When you get to my size that's not really incredibly significant. I mean, it isn't something you want to gain but it's not like someone in the lower 100's gaining it. People I'm close to know I have a real problem with food, mostly sweets. Most people don't really understand it though. "Just have a little bit" they say. Or they tell me to pass it up. Great idea, don't get me wrong. But if I had the willpower to do that I'd probably be 100 lbs lighter right now. Oh happy day!

PS-While writing this I found a gray hair growing on my arm with all the brown ones. What the hell? I'm only 27!!!

Meh

2009-08-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

I skipped work today. I shouldn't have, I guess. I never seem to build up enough sick time to actually use only that, so I had to use 3 hrs vacation. And I do have some stuff due this week. But I just...didn't want to be there. SO HORRIBLE, I know. I'm lucky to have a job. And my mom sends me an email every day from her work over in Idaho and gets an automatic reply when I read it, so when that doesn't happen she knows I didn't go. And usually makes me feel guilty because I can feel her disapproval. Yes, I'm 27 and my mom still knows if I miss work or not. It frustrates me that I have to feel guilty because of her. I mean, I don't HAVE to feel guilty but even when she doesn't say something I know she's judging me. I'm going to call her in a few and I know it will happen. We are very close and that's why she still knows pretty much everything about my life, but still...shouldn't this have stopped at some point? Oh well. I actually did some stuff. Read a large part of a book, and I never read anymore. Watched a movie I've been meaning to watch for a while. Ok, only a couple things. But those two things never seem to happen on the actual weekend. Enough blabbing for now. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel more like going to work..not that I will skip again. Too much to do!

From Both Sides Now

2009-08-21T10:53:00.001-07:00

Here's a song again...I truly think the lyrics to this one are beautiful. Depressing perhaps, but beautiful. I've always loved the songs with melancholy lyrics.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Friday off?

2009-08-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Pretty please? No, I don't need to take the time. But you know you want to just give it to me because my work will be fairly caught up and my trainer won't be here to help answer questions. And the department lead won't be here to answer questions either. So you know you want to give me Friday off. With pay of course. I can't afford to take one without pay. But not a vacation day. Because I need to keep those. *sigh* OK, maybe I should force myself to stay late and then I could take off a little early? That might help a little. But I find it so much easier just to have all of Friday off. It is very hard for me to work a whole Friday lately. Could you please bless me and tell me to take Friday off? Oh, and who am I talking to? I'm not sure...

And I'm Awake...

2009-08-17T00:50:00.000-07:00

It's almost 1am and here I am, awake when I have to be to work at 7am. Yes, I'm probably crazy. It's not even because I'm at the boyfriend's house or anything. It's just...because! Maybe extending the weekend as long as possible...prolonging time until the inevitable Monday morning. Of course I didn't get up until 2:30 in the afternoon today, and 3pm yesterday, so you could say I'm on a schedule of getting up late and going to bed late. I'd be much better off with an evening shift job, except I do prefer working during the day...although I'm not sure why. Better jobs tend to exist during the day? Who knows?

Yesterday consisted of me laying around the house doing absolutely nothing. I'm talking about Saturday when I say yesterday, mind you. I came home from the boyfriend's place after we both woke up, and played my video game mostly. Did various other things online, watched a bit of a movie, and finally started a book. Amazing how much time that video game took, because I didn't spend that much time doing the rest of it. Before I knew it, it was 4am. At least I got out of the house today...saw a movie with my friend, had an early dinner and just sat in the sun at the mall for a while. It was really quite a nice afternoon/early evening. I really do need to get outside more. I say this to myself a lot, so far it hasn't helped! But soon winter will be upon us and I'll have no reason to get outside. The days are already getting shorter. Yuck. I hate when it's dark all the time. The worst part about winter in my opinion.

Well, maybe I'll try to get some sleep now. I am going over to the boyfriend's place tomorrow night...it will be two whole days since I've seen him! :) We didn't spend time on Saturday because he hadn't hung out with a friend in a while, and his friend sessions tend to go till all hours. And of course he worked today. So I'll be missing him like crazy by tomorrow night. I'm still amazed I found someone like him. And grateful...very grateful.

Finances Suck

2009-08-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

No, not a creative title. The last apartment I lived in turned into filth after my best friend moved out and her younger brother started taking it over and having his early 20's friends take it over. The carpet was totally dirty...garbage everywhere...gross dishes..and they'd smoke pot in the living room more than once a day. Well, we finally got to move out and I knew they would charge us for damages. But their parents were in town the night before and helped the brother clean the place up and said it was in decent shape so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. The mom is a clean freak. So we got the statement in the mail a month ago. They are charging us $619!!!! And that is after taking out the $250 deposit. Insane amount of money, and certainly something we can't afford to pay. I'm the only one working and I don't exactly make the big bucks, especially compared to my bills. I finally called today because I'm always the one elected to take care of things for some reason and they've turned us over to collections. I called the collections place about making payment arrangements and they said sure, how much can you pay today? I said $50 and the lady said screw you, pretty much. It HAS TO be $200 or they may turn it over to the credit bureau soon. I asked her where I was supposed to pull $200 out of, not that she cared. She kept saying "well, we can post-date it till the end of the month." Do you think I'll get an inheritance by the end of the month? Even if my jerk father died he has no money. That sounds mean, sorry. This was not a good way to start my Friday. My mom offered to loan me $200 to pay my portion and I guess I'm taking her up on it, even though she bails me out more often than I can count. This doesn't mean that the other two will pay up I suppose. I know them well enough to believe(?) they will try. I also believe HE should be the main one paying, but I'm not aggressive enough to tell him that, or start trouble with the family because I am close to them. But my credit is really good even if I do live paycheck to paycheck, and I don't want this screwing it up! GRRRR.

One quick note

2009-08-11T13:29:00.001-07:00

It's probably an obvious point, but...it's hard to train at a new job when your trainer takes time off. Now it's time to run back and forth from my corner to find out information on things I don't know. Exercise is a good thing I suppose! Especially when the person training me brought in donuts today. *sigh* So much for ice cream after work, I've had too much other stuff.

An Evening at Home

2009-08-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

I don't have to try to get some evening sleep. I'm not going to the boyfriend's tonight. I didn't last night either. It's strange, two nights apart. Better for my sleep schedule I suppose. But not so good for my paranoid side that won't SHUT UP! The side that says "why doesn't he want to see me tonight?" Even though he told me he has chores and odds and ends to catch up on. And a big part of me is fine with staying home, because I do like my alone time. Neither of us get as much alone time as we did before we met one another. I guess that obviously happens in a relationship. The thing is, we both value it. But I have this little voice in my head that tells me that something could be wrong when he isn't dying to see me every night. Even if I'm not necessarily dying to see him that night. I make no sense. He really is sweet to me. Randomly brings me flowers from plants that he sees..and occasionally buys them as well. Buys me dinners...I have randomly found money in my purse and I know he put it there. *sigh* I really annoy myself.

I have seizures. This may seem like a random subject change but bear with me. They started in high school and I certainly wasn't thrilled. I went to a few annoying doctors, including a complete quack, until I finally found a decent one about five years later. I'm not going into the details of that search right now. My seizures aren't what most people think of when they think of seizures. They are called 'complex partial seizures' and I basically stare off into space for 30 seconds or so, then I am extremely tired with a headache afterward. I'll generally choose to go to sleep if I'm in an environment where that is possible. The seizures are short but I feel like they last a long time. I have wondered in the past and still wonder now if my brain decided to start having them because I think too much, and it's a way of cutting that off for a bit. Its way of telling itself to shut up for a while. I believe my mom originally came up with that theory, ha. I know it's scientifically impossible, but I wouldn't blame my brain for wanting to stop thinking sometimes. Seizures are not the answer, though.

Lyrics I Love :) -- Calling You by Blue October

2009-08-09T00:26:00.000-07:00

Calling You- Blue October

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away
So expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make a smile

[Chorus]
I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
(It's so hard sometimes)
Then I fell in love with you
(Then came you)
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make a smile
[Chorus]

My Saturday

2009-08-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

My Saturday definitely turned into my Sunday. I took Friday off so maybe that is part of the reason why. You see, most of the time on Sunday I stay in my pajamas/sweats all day, don't leave the house, and basically spend all my time on the computer or sleeping. This day turned out that way and for the most part it was because I didn't spend it with my boyfriend. He has only been in my life for four months, sheesh! What did I do before him? Generally I'd force myself to at least go to the mall or something along those lines. Sometimes I have a friend who wants to hang out but she was often unavailable for a good six months due to her boyfriend she had met. But really, I was a very unhappy person before meeting the guy in my life now. I went into a makeup message board to have social interaction! And work was really my only other means. But I stuck to it after moving here, unlike when I moved to California for a couple months after college. For some reason I never got to a point where I wanted to leave...well I started to think looking for a job in FL might be a good idea right before I met the boyfriend. My best friend all through college lives there. But definitely a good idea I didn't go...imagine my mood in that heat! Even with A/C.

Anyway, that was a tangent that I went off on that I didn't set out to do. Back to my Saturday. I'm at the boyfriend's apartment rather than at home. Another big reason I didn't leave I think. I have a whole apartment to myself, rather than a room to myself like I do at my own place. I haven't had an apartment to myself since I lived in Idaho. I love where I live now compared to the apartment I previously lived in. Ever lived with a bunch of guys in their early 20's? I hope no one who reads this has. Only one was supposed to live there but he had friends stay all the time and I was too passive to say anything. The place became hell on earth to look at and I just stayed in my room when I was home, unless I had to go to the bathroom. It was my best friend's brother too and she was supposed to live there as well but she had started staying with her boyfriend long ago and so the brother had taken over. I probably would have gone insane eventually but I met the boyfriend before I did and was able to escape the place fairly often for the last few months of living there. Now I owe the complex a ton of money for damages. Ain't life grand?

Wow, my brain is going all directions tonight. This isn't unusual. It's usually going all directions. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD, ha. I've always been someone who thinks constantly. I think it's a curse, but it can be a blessing in some ways I guess. But now it seems I think of a bunch of different things all the time. Is it just more on my mind? Who knows. I take a million prescriptions with a billion side effects. So that could be one of them. How's that for exaggeration?

Well I think I'll get going for now. This is definitely a post with some random thoughts...and pointless information! Time to go stare at the TV, and fight my craving for cookies and cream ice cream.

Pasty White

2009-08-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

Should this be the term used to describe me? Here's the explanation. Since changing to the new position at work I'm back in a corner so I don't see others a lot. One girl I used to consider myself pretty good friends with. She tends to make jokes a lot and others find her really entertaining, including myself. When I do make it out of my corner to socialize, I see her once in a while. EVERY TIME I see her lately, she says something about me being extremely white. This has been going on since the 4th of July because I remember her saying something about it after coming back after that weekend. "You're the only one that came back after this weekend whiter!" she said jokingly. It's finally starting to get on my nerves. No, I don't get out a lot in the sun. Being hot makes me irritable, I take a med that makes me sensitive to it, but really I don't want to have bad skin when I get older. I like myself better somewhat when I'm tan but I guess not enough to put in the effort and cause the damage...at least not yet. I'm beginning to like hanging out in the corner and hiding my pasty white skin. But maybe I won't have too many wrinkles in my 60's!

Work

2009-08-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

So I don't want to be here. At all. I was okay when I was getting ready this morning but now that I'm here I'm irritable and feel like throwing things. Which wouldn't be hard around here. My desk is fairly chaotic and the desk I sit next to is even worse. And my butt hurts. This training chair and my butt don't get along. I could go get the chair from my desk but it would make this desk seem more permanent somehow. I could really use more padding on my butt. Take some fat out of my stomach please. Usually women my size have a bigger butt than I do. But no, my weight all resides in front so my behind can hurt while I sit at my desk all day. Learning everything in this new job is difficult and is going to take a while. I know this. I was told this. But a lot of things would make the process better I think. Including a softer chair.

Billing

2009-08-03T14:29:00.001-07:00

I think I came up with a motto for my new job..."Always be Prepared"
Does that sound familiar? :)

Irritated

2009-07-30T17:17:00.001-07:00

So it's early evening on Thursday and I'm laying in my room, thinking maybe I should write something when I'm not at work for once. I've only been doing this for a few days but I'm trying to get into it so it become more than a passing hobby, but something I actually keep up on. Although I doubt many will read it. :) I don't think it cooled off in here last night...well I probably only could've gotten it to the low 70's anyway, but since I left at 10:30 last night and it was still in the 80's there was no point. Today was in the 90's and actually cooler, if you can believe it. Yesterday when I got home my car said (yes, my car talks to me, ha) that it was 105. Today it was 93. I don't find the 90's comfortable, but it beats 100. Now I lay here, irritable because I'm hot, tired, and getting hungry. I'm trying to get some kind of normal sleep schedule tonight, but I really want to sleep right now. A cold shower might be what I need. I'm hoping the cooling trend starts soon. Pretty please???

Five Hour Energy

2009-07-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a large part of my lunch...you know, the little orange bottle that is filled with the liquid that doesn't taste very good, but is supposed to work. I doubt it works on me. I tried it once before and didn't notice much of anything. But I'm dead tired again today, and I'm probably making coworkers think I have no potential in the new dept. I'm starting to think that myself. I love spending time with my boyfriend but somehow I'm going to have to restrict myself a little during the week. Even after getting six hours of sleep after work yesterday I'm still tired, my body won't change to this schedule. Oh well. Better get off this computer and go to lunch or work...I'm looking worse and worse by blogging during training!

Tired

2009-07-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

It's time to work again. It seems as though I get in the mood to write on here when I am at work, which is not the best time, obviously. At home the internet connection is annoying and there are other things I am doing...usually napping. Sounds productive, right? I've never considered myself to be all that productive but my new roommate probably thinks I'm awful. I come home from work and sleep almost immediately on most nights. This is because I go to my boyfriend's place a lot when he gets done at work, which is 10:30pm. So I'll possibly get 5 hours before I stay up all night and come to work the next day. I was just saying to him there needs to be more hours in a day in general so there would be more time to do other things besides work. But, like we both agreed, they'd probably just make us work longer hours.

Songs in my head

2009-07-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

Ever realized there can be one hundred songs in your head at once...or am I just crazier than I thought?

The sun may be beautiful but...

2009-07-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

...I prefer summer rain. And we need a lot of it at once or it will just be humid. I want it to pour down and cool it off to the point where I can curl up in a shirt with long sleeves and sweats and be content. The sound of rain, the smell of it in the summer...it's one of my favorite things. I think it would clear my mind of one or two thoughts that are poking at the back of it right now. Or at least put them on hold.

Trying to look pretty

2009-07-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

I was trying to make the blog look pretty, anyway. And I can't believe how much time that just took. I finally found a site with some templates that I liked and I had to unzip them and upload them differently and I didn't know how. Nothing on the site explained it, but I eventually found a site that did. And it was just to make my page a little prettier. How come I rarely put that much effort into making myself a little prettier? Maybe because I only had to do that for my page once. Who wants to put that much effort in every day? Not me.

It really happened...

2009-07-27T07:30:00.001-07:00

He told me he loved me. I never thought I'd hear it from anyone, and I heard it from the sweetest guy in the world this weekend. And of course I said it back...I've wanted to say it for a little while now. But considering I said it before to a person or two and didn't hear the reply I wanted I didn't want to be the first to say it. I don't know how I was lucky enough to find him. I didn't think it would ever happen. But here I am, and I am going to say the thing that everyone said to me which used to annoy me- don't lose hope, it will happen when you least expect it.