Goals?

Goals are something the counselor brought up a couple weeks ago. Short-term and long-term goals. I haven't really thought about serious goals in a long time. I mean, the last time I had what I truly consider "goals" in mind dates back to high school and college. Back when the world seemed a little more inviting. :) So we talked about a couple...trying to get a little healthier, doing a few things for myself to make me feel better about myself in general. Put some damn makeup on! So far, meh. I'm bouncing back and forth. As I do on most things. I'll do well some days, not as well other days. Or I'll do well part of the day and not as well the rest of the day. I'm trying to stay in the mindset that doing bad for one day doesn't mean to throw everything out the window.


On Saturday night I went down to the boyfriend's work to meet him during his lunch, which happened to be 3:30am. I have probably mentioned that he works night shift before. I blog so sporadically anymore I have a hard time keeping track of what I have written. It was a nice night so we just sat outside and enjoyed the air. He began asking me about my goals. Has he been hanging out with my shrink?? I don't have any goals! I'm a nearly 30-year-old goal-less female. He asked about owning a house, financial, etc. I know I'd love to have a house someday, but it brings me to my problem I've had for quite some time- I don't know if I want to live in this area for the rest of my life. But I know he does. And I always imagined myself married before committing to buying a home. Goals and committing to them scare me. What if I'm too immature for this relationship? Wouldn't that be great? It's not like we both have jobs in my home area calling us or something. Nor would that ever happen, most likely. Buying a house probably won't be on the table anytime soon, anyway, nor the prospect of marriage, largely due to some credit cards I owe money on. I don't have bad credit, I just owe money. Right now it's probably a good thing; it gives me time on decision-making. I can't imagine making the commitment to a home and marriage without being sure...but will I ever be sure? I'm acting like he proposed or something-I know that's not the case, and we have only skimmed the surface of the home topic. But we have been together for over two years now. Blah, my brain is in turmoil right now. I need to be at least five years younger.

Stupid Government

I know it took a long time to get to this point, many hands went into it, blah blah blah. But I just feel like the country is in fail mode right now. Then when I go on the web and read what little information I can stand, I see pictures of a bunch of stuffy looking men spewing their agendas. It's all a bunch of BS. I'm not saying the job is easy, and there is a lot of fixing to be done. But people are idiots! PS- This post was meant to be rambling and not necessarily meant to make sense.

Ah, cats!

Here's a pic I took a couple months ago of the boyfriend's sister's cat, Nick, inside of the "kitty tank" they received for Christmas.



I think he's done now...

Getting shrunk (shrank?)

Another Monday is almost here so I am starting on my endless cycle of going to bed too late and not getting enough sleep. At least this is a short week, since I am taking Friday off to go to Leavenworth with the boyfriend to spend a couple of days. I am quite happy we are going-getting away is nice and I have never been there. We're staying at a bed and breakfast and the room looks beautiful. If only we both get out of bed to enjoy our stay-even noon would be nice. The night person I am by nature has definitely been in full force for quite some time now, and it's starting to get to me. I do crave daylight and sunny days...not that we've been getting a lot of sunny days around here lately. But I'm pretty sure the weather was fairly nice this weekend and I didn't get to enjoy any of it, because I was sleeping. The boyfriend brings out that person in me even more, because he's a creature of the night (lol) and always works night shifts. He will always want to work those shifts; he feels he is pretty much incapable of getting up and having a morning job. So the only way I will get out of this cycle is to pull myself out of it. I've been this way for quite some time though. We'll see...

As for the subject of my post...I've decided to see a counselor. I've probably needed to do so for years and it has just been easier to put off. My lack of happiness lately for reasons I can't pin down, combined with issues in my life I know I need to resolve, led me to decide to see one. The first appointment is a free consultation to see if we "mesh". Well, that appointment was supposed to be on Wednesday but somehow her schedule and my schedule got mixed up and she had me down for this Wednesday. So, my first appointment went well, ha. We'll try again this week-she called and left me a personal apology so that was nice. I've never been to a counselor before so I'm not sure how it will be. I just know I want a female one-probably due to my issues being comfortable around men. I hope the door I'm about to open is not too painful or scary. I mean, what if I get pushed further toward a nervous breakdown because I start talking about things I've pushed aside? Ugh. Oh well, I'm going to go. Feeling unhappy for no apparent reason even when I'm taking an antidepressant is pissing me off. Ugh, again. I analyze myself too much. It's just who I am...can someone make me happy-go-lucky please?

Wax On...Wax Hair Off!

My arms are driving my crazy-well, one arm in particular. And honestly, they were one of the few parts of my body that didn't drive me crazy, except that they're rather short compared to my torso. Anyway, one day a month or two ago I was sitting at my desk, talking to a couple people I work with. You can't help being around conversation in my row, that's for sure. Anyway, a coworker (a rather loud, but nice enough one) made a comment that has made me self-conscious ever since. I'll call her Michelle, because she likes President Obama so much I think she would be his wife in a heartbeat (and I don't mean that as an insult to her or the president). Anyway, she was sitting next to the girl across from me and she asked me out of the blue if I was Italian. I told her no and asked why, and she said because my arms were so hairy! She could only see my left arm at the time. The other girl laughed at Michelle a bit like she couldn't believe what she just said and chastised her a bit. I wasn't sure what to see, so I just said thanks and laughed. Michelle told me she didn't mean it as an insult and it's considered sexy by some and blah blah blah...but now my arms bother me! Especially my left one, it's much hairier and darker than the other one. All my body hair is dark, damn it. From my beard that I can grow as thick as a man's to the hair that decides to grow on top of my big toes. Oh, and I really am female, I promise.

The arms were never that big of deal to me. Plenty of women have some arm hair. Legs, even on top of the feet. But the beard that comes from the PCOS, and the excess hair on the upper lip have driven me crazy for years. Mostly the beard. And now there's much more obvious excess hair on my chest as well, because I made the mistake of shaving instead of bleaching a couple years ago. I'd make one sexy man! :) But I'm never going to start shaving my arms. That is something I will not get in the habit of doing. But oh how I'm tempted to go get them waxed just to see how it turns out. I think I wonder how many people have thought "her arms are hairy" over the years and not said anything. I like to push my sleeves up to my elbows, and I've started to cringe when I look down at my arms when I'm typing at work. Thanks for letting me know, Michelle!

Oh So Exciting

It's 4:30am and I'm watching Netflix and...well I guess that's all. Not much interesting going on at this very moment. I've discovered I like the show "Brothers and Sisters" so I'm watching the first season. Despite being a drama primarily, I find myself laughing at various parts. Another work week is not that far away. I slept until 7pm Saturday so I haven't even been up for twelve hours. It's weird, sometimes I think of a lot to say and times like now, there's not much of anything. I think I'm in blah mode. The boyfriend and I supposed to go to Leavenworth in a few weeks so that should be fun. I've never been there. Hmm, okay, I'm boring and I'm going.

Did I Mention...

That I really don't want to sleep? It has been so long since I've written that I want to write a lot of stuff. Also, despite the fact that I love my new template, it has me totally craving sweets? :) And I finally watched the show "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (I've been curious about it for a long time) and I really like it and want to watch more. It's on netflix insta-queue so I have plenty of time but I want more now! I have never claimed to be patient when it comes to most things. Also, I know that the minute I go to sleep I risk the chance of having the annoying, somewhat frightening dreams I've been having lately (more on that later), plus it will be time to go to work before I know it and start another week. Who really wants it to be Monday morning, anyway?