So I'm officially a mess

Well I had the doctor appointment. The main reason I wanted to go was because of the painful toe but I knew it was time to get the other, ahem, checkups as well. I've officially gained 20 lbs since last year. Since the last time I went there, which I believe was May 2009. Yeah, I knew I had gained weight, and I'm not someone who can afford to do so. A lot of my shirts aren't fitting well, although some of my pants still fall off of me. That's what I get for having a gut but a lack of an ass for my size. Anyway, I've been slacking off on my blood sugar pills for quite some time so it's time to start taking those regularly again. Why did I stop? They cause an upset stomach a lot which certainly gets annoying. But it's better than making sure I have an early grave I guess. I really need to start eating better. The doctor even talked to me about a weight loss surgery yesterday. She asked me if I've ever considered one. I've been overweight since I was a little (well, not so little) kid and generally someone who has been as long as I have doesn't change. There are some people who manage to do it but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's something I'll have to think about rather than immediately go for though. I talked to the boyfriend about it last night and he really didn't like the idea of surgery. He's overweight too but he hasn't been his whole life like me. He said he wants to try to work together to lose, but I usually discourage or push back. I felt like I was getting a lot of blame when I feel like he has never really pushed to start getting healthy. But I don't know, maybe I have pushed back and didn't realize it. God knows I resist and resist. If I didn't resist I'd be a lot smaller by now. So now I'm supposed to write down a log of stuff I eat and get a blood sugar monitor again. I don't mind, I know it's necessary. I want to get in the habit of writing down what I eat anyway.

After I got home and took a nap I checked my email and had a letter from the financial aid office at the school I was thinking about applying to. I was leaning toward not applying anyway, between schedules and now needing to get on track health-wise. But now I'm definitely not applying, because they will not even give me enough in student loans to fund the education! Let alone have anything at all left over. That's what I get for having four year degrees already I guess. Oh well. I guess it's just not meant to be, at least not right now. More time to work on me I guess. Speaking of work...I should do some of that. At least it's Friday...