So I haven't written in a while...

...and I have various things on my mind at the moment. However, sleep would probably be in my best interest. Especially since it would take a while if I got into everything that I'm thinking about. So maybe I'll have time to write tomorrow evening...if I can get the cleaning of the room done first. Or maybe steal some time at work tomorrow. Ha.

Fat is Me

So I've looked at the scale a few times lately...appears I'm gaining weight. I've been surprised it has taken this long to start. I've been eating really bad for a long time and my body got back up to a certain weight once I started eating bad and kind of stayed there for quite some time. The strange thing is, I've had more than one person ask me if I've lost weight! That would normally have me questioning if the scale is messed up but clothes are fitting differently too. I sat down at my desk when I got to work this morning, and looked down to see my stomach sticking out and hitting the desk. GROSS! At that moment I thought "I've got to start doing better." About 30 seconds later I heard candy being poured in the dish behind me. What the hell? Who has it in for me? Yes, a normal person could probably hav e a few and get on with his or her life. But this is me we're talking about. Almost anything chocolate I will sample each time I walk by until it is gone. I am an overeater when it comes to sweets, and a binge eater at times as well. I love chocolate, peanut butter, ice cream, cookies, cake, etc. I've loved most food, especially sweets, since I was a kid and so I've had a weight problem since then. I wasn't born with one, I guess. I was only 5 lbs 3 oz! But I know I had one by kindergarten...sooner but I'm not sure how early. Maybe having nicotine in my system while I smoked for a year sped up my metabolism? Or going off the pill made me gain a little weight rather than lose? It doesn't really matter, it's only a measly 10 lbs. When you get to my size that's not really incredibly significant. I mean, it isn't something you want to gain but it's not like someone in the lower 100's gaining it. People I'm close to know I have a real problem with food, mostly sweets. Most people don't really understand it though. "Just have a little bit" they say. Or they tell me to pass it up. Great idea, don't get me wrong. But if I had the willpower to do that I'd probably be 100 lbs lighter right now. Oh happy day!


PS-While writing this I found a gray hair growing on my arm with all the brown ones. What the hell? I'm only 27!!!

Meh

I skipped work today. I shouldn't have, I guess. I never seem to build up enough sick time to actually use only that, so I had to use 3 hrs vacation. And I do have some stuff due this week. But I just...didn't want to be there. SO HORRIBLE, I know. I'm lucky to have a job. And my mom sends me an email every day from her work over in Idaho and gets an automatic reply when I read it, so when that doesn't happen she knows I didn't go. And usually makes me feel guilty because I can feel her disapproval. Yes, I'm 27 and my mom still knows if I miss work or not. It frustrates me that I have to feel guilty because of her. I mean, I don't HAVE to feel guilty but even when she doesn't say something I know she's judging me. I'm going to call her in a few and I know it will happen. We are very close and that's why she still knows pretty much everything about my life, but still...shouldn't this have stopped at some point? Oh well. I actually did some stuff. Read a large part of a book, and I never read anymore. Watched a movie I've been meaning to watch for a while. Ok, only a couple things. But those two things never seem to happen on the actual weekend. Enough blabbing for now. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel more like going to work..not that I will skip again. Too much to do!

From Both Sides Now

Here's a song again...I truly think the lyrics to this one are beautiful. Depressing perhaps, but beautiful. I've always loved the songs with melancholy lyrics.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Friday off?

Pretty please? No, I don't need to take the time. But you know you want to just give it to me because my work will be fairly caught up and my trainer won't be here to help answer questions. And the department lead won't be here to answer questions either. So you know you want to give me Friday off. With pay of course. I can't afford to take one without pay. But not a vacation day. Because I need to keep those. *sigh* OK, maybe I should force myself to stay late and then I could take off a little early? That might help a little. But I find it so much easier just to have all of Friday off. It is very hard for me to work a whole Friday lately. Could you please bless me and tell me to take Friday off? Oh, and who am I talking to? I'm not sure...

And I'm Awake...

It's almost 1am and here I am, awake when I have to be to work at 7am. Yes, I'm probably crazy. It's not even because I'm at the boyfriend's house or anything. It's just...because! Maybe extending the weekend as long as possible...prolonging time until the inevitable Monday morning. Of course I didn't get up until 2:30 in the afternoon today, and 3pm yesterday, so you could say I'm on a schedule of getting up late and going to bed late. I'd be much better off with an evening shift job, except I do prefer working during the day...although I'm not sure why. Better jobs tend to exist during the day? Who knows?

Yesterday consisted of me laying around the house doing absolutely nothing. I'm talking about Saturday when I say yesterday, mind you. I came home from the boyfriend's place after we both woke up, and played my video game mostly. Did various other things online, watched a bit of a movie, and finally started a book. Amazing how much time that video game took, because I didn't spend that much time doing the rest of it. Before I knew it, it was 4am. At least I got out of the house today...saw a movie with my friend, had an early dinner and just sat in the sun at the mall for a while. It was really quite a nice afternoon/early evening. I really do need to get outside more. I say this to myself a lot, so far it hasn't helped! But soon winter will be upon us and I'll have no reason to get outside. The days are already getting shorter. Yuck. I hate when it's dark all the time. The worst part about winter in my opinion.

Well, maybe I'll try to get some sleep now. I am going over to the boyfriend's place tomorrow night...it will be two whole days since I've seen him! :) We didn't spend time on Saturday because he hadn't hung out with a friend in a while, and his friend sessions tend to go till all hours. And of course he worked today. So I'll be missing him like crazy by tomorrow night. I'm still amazed I found someone like him. And grateful...very grateful.

Finances Suck

No, not a creative title. The last apartment I lived in turned into filth after my best friend moved out and her younger brother started taking it over and having his early 20's friends take it over. The carpet was totally dirty...garbage everywhere...gross dishes..and they'd smoke pot in the living room more than once a day. Well, we finally got to move out and I knew they would charge us for damages. But their parents were in town the night before and helped the brother clean the place up and said it was in decent shape so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. The mom is a clean freak. So we got the statement in the mail a month ago. They are charging us $619!!!! And that is after taking out the $250 deposit. Insane amount of money, and certainly something we can't afford to pay. I'm the only one working and I don't exactly make the big bucks, especially compared to my bills. I finally called today because I'm always the one elected to take care of things for some reason and they've turned us over to collections. I called the collections place about making payment arrangements and they said sure, how much can you pay today? I said $50 and the lady said screw you, pretty much. It HAS TO be $200 or they may turn it over to the credit bureau soon. I asked her where I was supposed to pull $200 out of, not that she cared. She kept saying "well, we can post-date it till the end of the month." Do you think I'll get an inheritance by the end of the month? Even if my jerk father died he has no money. That sounds mean, sorry. This was not a good way to start my Friday. My mom offered to loan me $200 to pay my portion and I guess I'm taking her up on it, even though she bails me out more often than I can count. This doesn't mean that the other two will pay up I suppose. I know them well enough to believe(?) they will try. I also believe HE should be the main one paying, but I'm not aggressive enough to tell him that, or start trouble with the family because I am close to them. But my credit is really good even if I do live paycheck to paycheck, and I don't want this screwing it up! GRRRR.