I'm really high!

I got the monitor on Friday and took my blood sugar as soon as I got home. Well, one hour after eating. And it was in the 200's. Yikes, that is not good at all. I just started taking my pills again so I know they haven't had time to stabilize my system but I'm freaked out a little. What if she wants me to start doing shots of insulin the next time I go in? I can't imagine giving myself shots. :( A couple other times I took it it was better. It was in the 130's a couple mornings when I woke up, and in the 160's after dinner. Not good, but not as bad. Then this morning it was in the 200's again! But it had only been five hours or so since I had eaten. I had a few rice cakes before bed. All in all I'm trying to do better. I haven't had any major sweets since before I went to the doctor. It's hard to explain to the boyfriend about the difficulty I have with food, especially sweets. Yes, I crave a huge burger sometimes. Or rich pasta. But really sweets are my weakness. I can binge on something that is way to rich for most people. Carrot cake, cheesecake, endless chocolate chip cookies...it is actually a little difficult just writing about them. I feel as though I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to these things. Similar anyway. And I don't think I've met anyone in my entire life that understands it. Why I can't just say no. Or just have one. Ok I'll just have one...dozen.

So I'm officially a mess

Well I had the doctor appointment. The main reason I wanted to go was because of the painful toe but I knew it was time to get the other, ahem, checkups as well. I've officially gained 20 lbs since last year. Since the last time I went there, which I believe was May 2009. Yeah, I knew I had gained weight, and I'm not someone who can afford to do so. A lot of my shirts aren't fitting well, although some of my pants still fall off of me. That's what I get for having a gut but a lack of an ass for my size. Anyway, I've been slacking off on my blood sugar pills for quite some time so it's time to start taking those regularly again. Why did I stop? They cause an upset stomach a lot which certainly gets annoying. But it's better than making sure I have an early grave I guess. I really need to start eating better. The doctor even talked to me about a weight loss surgery yesterday. She asked me if I've ever considered one. I've been overweight since I was a little (well, not so little) kid and generally someone who has been as long as I have doesn't change. There are some people who manage to do it but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's something I'll have to think about rather than immediately go for though. I talked to the boyfriend about it last night and he really didn't like the idea of surgery. He's overweight too but he hasn't been his whole life like me. He said he wants to try to work together to lose, but I usually discourage or push back. I felt like I was getting a lot of blame when I feel like he has never really pushed to start getting healthy. But I don't know, maybe I have pushed back and didn't realize it. God knows I resist and resist. If I didn't resist I'd be a lot smaller by now. So now I'm supposed to write down a log of stuff I eat and get a blood sugar monitor again. I don't mind, I know it's necessary. I want to get in the habit of writing down what I eat anyway.

After I got home and took a nap I checked my email and had a letter from the financial aid office at the school I was thinking about applying to. I was leaning toward not applying anyway, between schedules and now needing to get on track health-wise. But now I'm definitely not applying, because they will not even give me enough in student loans to fund the education! Let alone have anything at all left over. That's what I get for having four year degrees already I guess. Oh well. I guess it's just not meant to be, at least not right now. More time to work on me I guess. Speaking of work...I should do some of that. At least it's Friday...

I Wanna Go Home!

Is that something new? No. It's pretty much my daily philosophy anymore. I never write lately but if something major happens hopefully I will share it with the few of you that read this. Anyway, I have a doctor appointment in an hour and I hope someone in charge will give me permission to work from home for the rest of the day. I don't have a lot of work to do but I do have some stuff I can take care of if I really want to. They have slowly been giving me more cities to handle at work. I think they can tell I get bored. The problem? I still often wait until later to start working on them because I know I can get it done in a shorter amount of time than I have. Sometimes I get paperwork for two cities a week in advance, and I have nothing due within that week, but I know I don't need that whole week to get them done so I procrastinate. I honestly think I just get bored easily though. Part of it may be a short attention span in general, which I think I developed with age and could be a side effect of the pills I take. But I think the rest is always wanting something more. I've worked here for nearly two years and the first year was in one position, the second in this one. I know we're not getting raises, I know I'm not getting promoted. I know I'm lucky to have a job and have people I get along with around me. However, I know this isn't my dream and back in high school I always thought I'd have a career, not just a job. Maybe it's because I was the smart kid back then, who knows? It has been ten years since high school, I have two bachelor degrees and nothing to show for them besides student loans.

I've been thinking about going to school lately, to be an esthetician. I've always loved the makeup/skincare/beauty industry in general and I think it would be quite interesting to work in. I even toured a school last weekend. The problem is, I would have to work full-time in order to have insurance (and most likely enough money) while in school. In college I never worked, so I can't imagine what that's like. And since I have a bachelor degree already, I'm not eligible for a Pell grant. If I get anything it will be loans most likely. But I don't think I could make it ten months with eight hours of work and four hours of school four days a week. I'm just not that ambitious. Especially since the school and my home are pretty far apart (downtown vs suburb) so it would be a much longer day with bus commutes.

Well, that's what's on my mind for now. Wish me luck at the doctor- I just love going! Ha.

A Whirlwind of Life

Why haven't I been writing lately? The lack of reasons to write? The lack of time? The lack of ambition? Probably mostly the last one, although I never feel my life is that adventurous so there you have it. But really some things have happened in the last month, so this post will probably be a hybrid of everything.
First of all, my grandma died on May 4th. She was actually my step-grandma, married to my mom's dad, but they had been married before I was even born so I'd always called her grandma. She had been sick with cancer for quite a while so it wasn't a surprise, but still upset a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely sad but I wasn't as close to her as many other people were so I didn't take it as hard I guess. So I went back to Idaho for a few days-unplanned trip and I had not made the drive by myself in quite some time but I made it fine. The funeral started to seem more like a church service, and I didn't really see why, but oh well. And I didn't cry, but I rarely cry at funerals. I guess I'm odd. I saw my family and tried to avoid most other people in the small area I am from. I'm not all that social of a person a lot of the time and I only care to see people I want to see. I am mostly like this about people from the past, AKA people I went to HS with. So I avoided the local Walmart, the one place everyone shops! But I did go to see my friend Tabitha. I've known her since third grade and we've had a lot of time apart off and on since then but she's a good friend still today. She has two kids and a husband now. It is strange sometimes seeing her now...I want to preface this by saying she is still a very pretty girl, don't get me wrong. But in high school (and a few years after) she was always fairly thin and fit society's definition of gorgeous. Not that she ever cared about that. She was never concerned about being popular and she is definitely a quirky girl with her own personality. :) But now she has gained quite a bit of weight and tells me she is somewhat depressed and often doesn't feel good about herself. I wish I could be there to be a good friend and help her feel better. But being around her family also got me thinking. I don't know if I'll ever want to have kids. I've felt this way since I was a teenager, honestly, and even though there have been a couple times that I thought I may feel differently I know that I really don't. And it's not because I look at her kids and think "ew", lol. It's because I can never see myself wanting to have that responsibility. And, well, the boyfriend feels differently. I was pretty sure of that when I first started thinking about it in Idaho and I clarified it when I got home. I asked him if his opinion on it was "No, maybe leaning toward no, maybe leaning toward yes, or yes." But he also said not to worry about it right now because he's not wanting to have them right now! I don't think he was even maybe leaning toward yes though...I'm pretty sure he was yes. But I'm not dwelling on it, which is surprising for me. I'm living for now when it comes to this.
Well, there are more things that can be talked about right now, including the talk I had with my mom regarding childhood, getting in a little trouble at work, and sleep deprivation, but I have done nothing today and I really need to get to work. Perhaps I'll get the ambition to post later?

A Case of the "Blah's"

I've been in a very lackluster mood lately. Usually when my boyfriend and I are together I feel fairly happy- he is always making me smile and laugh- but in general I don't feel inspired to do much, and I find it very hard to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. Once I'm there, I find it very difficult to stay the whole day. Is it because I'm not getting enough sleep? That could be part of it, yes. But it seems that I can't get that back on schedule, partly because I'm a night owl by nature. Is it because I haven't been taking any vitamin D and haven't for months, despite the fact that I was told a year ago my level was extremely low. For some reason I just have the urge to get away for a while; to where, I don't know. I feel as though I'm craving something new and different and I don't know why. Maybe I have some form of seasonal depression, who knows? I probably need some kind of counselor, I have been on an antidepressant for years and I probably need more than that. I've talked a little about the stuff I've been through in my life on here and it probably warrants counseling at some point. :) But I don't even know how to find a "good" one. How the heck do you go about finding a good counselor, one that is easy to talk to, etc? Oh well. We'll see, maybe once the weather gets better my mood will change. And I'll make some effort to get more sleep when I should be sleeping(yeah, right). I've called in to work one day a week for the last month and I'm lucky I haven't gotten in trouble yet. Then I'll sleep those days away instead of being productive. And I'll sleep Sundays away too. I don't need to be the person who sleeps all the time, then loses their job and is worthless. AKA my father. *sigh*

Obsessed With a Song

Ok, so I never write lately and that's bad. I need to get back in the habit but other parts of life seem to be taking over at the moment. And now I'm going to write something that is mainly just song lyrics and will probably not yield any kind of interest but oh well. At least I'll have a couple posts in April. I always seem to have some song I'm really into listening to at the moment, whether it's a few days, a few hours, or a few weeks. Obsessed is probably a strong word but oh well. This song came on when I was listening to iTunes on my computer the other day and I've been listening to it some and I do remember the person who used to think of it as one of their favorite love songs, which is the guy I used to date that I spent time with in Japan. I do seem to think about him on a daily basis, but not in a way that I wish to be with him. He does come into my dreams a lot however and that bothers me because I don't think that's something that should happen when I have someone in my life. I guess I can't control my dreams though. Anyway, back to the song. Here you go...have a nice day.

Love Song by Tesla

So you think that it's over,
That your love has fin'lly reached the end.
Any time you call, night or day,
I'll be right there for you if you need a friend.
It's gonna take a little time.
Time is sure to mend your broken heart.
Don't you even worry, pretty darlin'.
I know you'll find love again.
Yeah.

Chorus:
Love is all around you.
Yeah
Love is knockin' outside *YOUR* door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know
Love is all around you.
Love is knockin' outside **YOUR** door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.

Chorus / Outro:
Love will find a way.
Darlin', love is gonna find a way,
Find its way back to you.
Love will find a way.
So look around, open your eyes.
Love is gonna find a way.
Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way.
Love will find a way.
Love's gonna find a way back to you, yeah,
I know. I know. I know. I know.

Sadness

I'm busy at work and I've written so little lately but had to put something down. My parents had to get their dog (Pebbles) put to sleep yesterday and it has made me quite sad. She was only 9 which I don't consider that old. They got her right when I started college so she wasn't a puppy I grew up with but she was a big part of everyone's life. I think it makes me even more sad when I picture the times she was around for my family and that she won't be there at those times anymore...greeting family members when they got home from work, always wagging her tail, loving the snow and hating the rain. But she's not in pain now and it's for the best. We'll miss you Pebbles.