Up Too Late

I really should write more often, but it just never seems to happen. Nothing in August, one in July, and only one this month so far. I guess that means I have other things to do...or I'm just too lazy. Honestly some days I have a lot on my mind and it probably would be good to get it out rather than sit and think about it but I feel like I don't have the energy to do so. And really, I haven't made many changes in my life lately. Oh and there are changes I need to make.

I've talked about the food/overweight/health issues plenty of times. I believe I have a doctor appointment scheduled for October and I haven't really made any effort to start eating better or exercising. Last week my friend wanted me to go walk on a trail with her and take her dog for a walk. The walk lasted quite a while and by the time we got back my back was killing me. It doesn't hurt on a regular basis but if I stand in the wrong position too long or walk too long it does. I think it is sick of carrying my gut around. I couldn't force myself to have good posture when I was walking up the hills on the way back because it hurt, and the way I was walking hurt too. I definitely need to get in better shape. I've always been obese but I have been in better shape than I'm in right now. That will help the blood sugar...I hope.

I'd like to write more but I believe I'm getting too tired. I want to get back into reading more, and I'd like to read some classics. Not many people read this, but does anyone have any suggestions? I'm debating between "East of Eden" and "Wuthering Heights" right now. OK, time for sleep.

Recent Events Have Me Questioning...

Why on Earth do the good people of the world seem to be dying lately and the ones who live harshly and are not very good people are still alive? That may be a very blunt question, but that is what my half-asleep brain is thinking right now. A lot has happened this year to people I know and even to myself. I know two girls who have lost their fathers. I lost my grandmother. Granted, she smoked and drank a little more than she should have but she was still a good person. There was an accident in a mine in my hometown that killed a man who was only 29, with a wife and a newborn. He came from a family who had lost at least two others to mining. A fellow blogger lost a nephew who was much too young to be leaving this world in my opinion. Yet someone like my father is still here-he who hasn't done anything for anyone but himself in years. Someone who would hardly be missed if he was gone. Yes it sounds horrible for me to say these things about him to an outsider but it's the best example I have right now. But if people must be taken from this world I would think some of the awful individuals could be taken first.

Take Me Away

I feel like I need to get away. But I can't figure where I need to get away to, or if I will feel any better once I get away to that place. In all honesty, what I feel like I need to get away from is myself. I don't think that's possible...But if it is let me know.

I'm really high!

I got the monitor on Friday and took my blood sugar as soon as I got home. Well, one hour after eating. And it was in the 200's. Yikes, that is not good at all. I just started taking my pills again so I know they haven't had time to stabilize my system but I'm freaked out a little. What if she wants me to start doing shots of insulin the next time I go in? I can't imagine giving myself shots. :( A couple other times I took it it was better. It was in the 130's a couple mornings when I woke up, and in the 160's after dinner. Not good, but not as bad. Then this morning it was in the 200's again! But it had only been five hours or so since I had eaten. I had a few rice cakes before bed. All in all I'm trying to do better. I haven't had any major sweets since before I went to the doctor. It's hard to explain to the boyfriend about the difficulty I have with food, especially sweets. Yes, I crave a huge burger sometimes. Or rich pasta. But really sweets are my weakness. I can binge on something that is way to rich for most people. Carrot cake, cheesecake, endless chocolate chip cookies...it is actually a little difficult just writing about them. I feel as though I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to these things. Similar anyway. And I don't think I've met anyone in my entire life that understands it. Why I can't just say no. Or just have one. Ok I'll just have one...dozen.

So I'm officially a mess

Well I had the doctor appointment. The main reason I wanted to go was because of the painful toe but I knew it was time to get the other, ahem, checkups as well. I've officially gained 20 lbs since last year. Since the last time I went there, which I believe was May 2009. Yeah, I knew I had gained weight, and I'm not someone who can afford to do so. A lot of my shirts aren't fitting well, although some of my pants still fall off of me. That's what I get for having a gut but a lack of an ass for my size. Anyway, I've been slacking off on my blood sugar pills for quite some time so it's time to start taking those regularly again. Why did I stop? They cause an upset stomach a lot which certainly gets annoying. But it's better than making sure I have an early grave I guess. I really need to start eating better. The doctor even talked to me about a weight loss surgery yesterday. She asked me if I've ever considered one. I've been overweight since I was a little (well, not so little) kid and generally someone who has been as long as I have doesn't change. There are some people who manage to do it but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's something I'll have to think about rather than immediately go for though. I talked to the boyfriend about it last night and he really didn't like the idea of surgery. He's overweight too but he hasn't been his whole life like me. He said he wants to try to work together to lose, but I usually discourage or push back. I felt like I was getting a lot of blame when I feel like he has never really pushed to start getting healthy. But I don't know, maybe I have pushed back and didn't realize it. God knows I resist and resist. If I didn't resist I'd be a lot smaller by now. So now I'm supposed to write down a log of stuff I eat and get a blood sugar monitor again. I don't mind, I know it's necessary. I want to get in the habit of writing down what I eat anyway.

After I got home and took a nap I checked my email and had a letter from the financial aid office at the school I was thinking about applying to. I was leaning toward not applying anyway, between schedules and now needing to get on track health-wise. But now I'm definitely not applying, because they will not even give me enough in student loans to fund the education! Let alone have anything at all left over. That's what I get for having four year degrees already I guess. Oh well. I guess it's just not meant to be, at least not right now. More time to work on me I guess. Speaking of work...I should do some of that. At least it's Friday...

I Wanna Go Home!

Is that something new? No. It's pretty much my daily philosophy anymore. I never write lately but if something major happens hopefully I will share it with the few of you that read this. Anyway, I have a doctor appointment in an hour and I hope someone in charge will give me permission to work from home for the rest of the day. I don't have a lot of work to do but I do have some stuff I can take care of if I really want to. They have slowly been giving me more cities to handle at work. I think they can tell I get bored. The problem? I still often wait until later to start working on them because I know I can get it done in a shorter amount of time than I have. Sometimes I get paperwork for two cities a week in advance, and I have nothing due within that week, but I know I don't need that whole week to get them done so I procrastinate. I honestly think I just get bored easily though. Part of it may be a short attention span in general, which I think I developed with age and could be a side effect of the pills I take. But I think the rest is always wanting something more. I've worked here for nearly two years and the first year was in one position, the second in this one. I know we're not getting raises, I know I'm not getting promoted. I know I'm lucky to have a job and have people I get along with around me. However, I know this isn't my dream and back in high school I always thought I'd have a career, not just a job. Maybe it's because I was the smart kid back then, who knows? It has been ten years since high school, I have two bachelor degrees and nothing to show for them besides student loans.

I've been thinking about going to school lately, to be an esthetician. I've always loved the makeup/skincare/beauty industry in general and I think it would be quite interesting to work in. I even toured a school last weekend. The problem is, I would have to work full-time in order to have insurance (and most likely enough money) while in school. In college I never worked, so I can't imagine what that's like. And since I have a bachelor degree already, I'm not eligible for a Pell grant. If I get anything it will be loans most likely. But I don't think I could make it ten months with eight hours of work and four hours of school four days a week. I'm just not that ambitious. Especially since the school and my home are pretty far apart (downtown vs suburb) so it would be a much longer day with bus commutes.

Well, that's what's on my mind for now. Wish me luck at the doctor- I just love going! Ha.

A Whirlwind of Life

Why haven't I been writing lately? The lack of reasons to write? The lack of time? The lack of ambition? Probably mostly the last one, although I never feel my life is that adventurous so there you have it. But really some things have happened in the last month, so this post will probably be a hybrid of everything.
First of all, my grandma died on May 4th. She was actually my step-grandma, married to my mom's dad, but they had been married before I was even born so I'd always called her grandma. She had been sick with cancer for quite a while so it wasn't a surprise, but still upset a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely sad but I wasn't as close to her as many other people were so I didn't take it as hard I guess. So I went back to Idaho for a few days-unplanned trip and I had not made the drive by myself in quite some time but I made it fine. The funeral started to seem more like a church service, and I didn't really see why, but oh well. And I didn't cry, but I rarely cry at funerals. I guess I'm odd. I saw my family and tried to avoid most other people in the small area I am from. I'm not all that social of a person a lot of the time and I only care to see people I want to see. I am mostly like this about people from the past, AKA people I went to HS with. So I avoided the local Walmart, the one place everyone shops! But I did go to see my friend Tabitha. I've known her since third grade and we've had a lot of time apart off and on since then but she's a good friend still today. She has two kids and a husband now. It is strange sometimes seeing her now...I want to preface this by saying she is still a very pretty girl, don't get me wrong. But in high school (and a few years after) she was always fairly thin and fit society's definition of gorgeous. Not that she ever cared about that. She was never concerned about being popular and she is definitely a quirky girl with her own personality. :) But now she has gained quite a bit of weight and tells me she is somewhat depressed and often doesn't feel good about herself. I wish I could be there to be a good friend and help her feel better. But being around her family also got me thinking. I don't know if I'll ever want to have kids. I've felt this way since I was a teenager, honestly, and even though there have been a couple times that I thought I may feel differently I know that I really don't. And it's not because I look at her kids and think "ew", lol. It's because I can never see myself wanting to have that responsibility. And, well, the boyfriend feels differently. I was pretty sure of that when I first started thinking about it in Idaho and I clarified it when I got home. I asked him if his opinion on it was "No, maybe leaning toward no, maybe leaning toward yes, or yes." But he also said not to worry about it right now because he's not wanting to have them right now! I don't think he was even maybe leaning toward yes though...I'm pretty sure he was yes. But I'm not dwelling on it, which is surprising for me. I'm living for now when it comes to this.
Well, there are more things that can be talked about right now, including the talk I had with my mom regarding childhood, getting in a little trouble at work, and sleep deprivation, but I have done nothing today and I really need to get to work. Perhaps I'll get the ambition to post later?