Oh So Exciting

It's 4:30am and I'm watching Netflix and...well I guess that's all. Not much interesting going on at this very moment. I've discovered I like the show "Brothers and Sisters" so I'm watching the first season. Despite being a drama primarily, I find myself laughing at various parts. Another work week is not that far away. I slept until 7pm Saturday so I haven't even been up for twelve hours. It's weird, sometimes I think of a lot to say and times like now, there's not much of anything. I think I'm in blah mode. The boyfriend and I supposed to go to Leavenworth in a few weeks so that should be fun. I've never been there. Hmm, okay, I'm boring and I'm going.

Did I Mention...

That I really don't want to sleep? It has been so long since I've written that I want to write a lot of stuff. Also, despite the fact that I love my new template, it has me totally craving sweets? :) And I finally watched the show "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (I've been curious about it for a long time) and I really like it and want to watch more. It's on netflix insta-queue so I have plenty of time but I want more now! I have never claimed to be patient when it comes to most things. Also, I know that the minute I go to sleep I risk the chance of having the annoying, somewhat frightening dreams I've been having lately (more on that later), plus it will be time to go to work before I know it and start another week. Who really wants it to be Monday morning, anyway?

Changed Up My Design

Happy February-almost March. Maybe I'll start writing more often soon. How do you like the template? I found some very cute ones thanks to my blogging friend-I followed the designer on her site. I got on here really quick because I need to delete a one sentence post. I was tinkering around with my phone, trying to link it to mobile blogging to see what that is all about. I got it to work-though I doubt I'll ever use it. Text messaging is annoying enough on a Blackberry, let alone writing a whole blog entry. And well, as far as I can tell there is no way to give the entry a title, which would frustrate me. The little things often do. I need to get up in five hours so maybe I should go sleep now!

Thoughts Driving Me Insane

I'll just be upfront. My ex has been on my mind. It's stupid, it's crazy, but it's happening. I love the boyfriend. He is a wonderful man, and I do love him. The guy I just called my ex, well we were never officially together. We were friends and lovers off and on since 2004 and we didn't ever get to have a lot of time together in the same place at the same time. The last time I saw him was in September of 2008, when I dropped him off at the airport to leave the country for the third time since I met him. We hadn't broken anything off when he left (not that there was officially anything to break off) but I knew he was leaving for at least a year and that was that. I had my share of stupid decisions after that (having a rendezvous or two with men who were taken, dating a major jerk for about a month) but then the boyfriend came along in April 2009 and we've been together since then. And I love him. I really do...

I'll call the ex J. Well, J has always been a wanderer, restless if he stays in one place for too long. He wasn't a cheating, ladies' man type, so that's not the reason we never tried things officially. We have sent messages back and forth since he has been out of the country, and since I've been with the boyfriend. Mostly just talking about how life is going. He'll say something flirty once in a while but it's silly. I may say something back but it's nothing. It's usually more making fun of him than anything else. The lack of closure that we had is what comes back and eats away at me from time to time. When he left, it wasn't a permanent goodbye. It wasn't "I'll wait for you" either. It was just...he left. And it's not like he's trying to get me to be with him. He told me going after someone who is taken is not his style, he's seen how badly that goes. Him and I were never in the same place at the same time, and we probably never are meant to be in the same place at the same time. This is total rambling. Lately I am in one of those moods where nearly every song I hear I can relate it to something that had to do with him. He was in my dreams last night...across the parking lot at a grocery store, I had to squint to see if it was him and realized it was and he embraced me. And I still think the best week of my life was when I went to Japan and visited him when he was there. Do all women try to bring drama into their lives when things are going reasonably well? Is my restless side looking for a kindred spirit? I literally jumped inside the other night when I saw his name pop up on the game we both play...he signed in and started talking to me. Okay I am done for now. At least I got some of it out. Sleep soon.

Self-Sabotage

That has to be what I'm doing right now. I honestly can't think of anything else. It's what I have been thinking that I may be doing, and after the boyfriend said he thinks it as well today without me even saying it I'm pretty sure it must be true. But why?
I miss so much work lately that I should be fired. I've missed every day of work this week so far. I don't understand myself. Sometimes I'll be so deep in sleep I won't wake up. Fine, get a louder alarm clock. I used to sleep through alarms for 45 minutes when I was a kid, not hear them ringing. But I grew out of that once I got a little older, until now it seems. But this isn't the sabotage I'm talking about...although it is pretty stupid that I haven't just went and got a new alarm by now. I'm talking about the other days I don't go. The days that I do wake up, come out of the bedroom, tell myself just a few more minutes and fall back asleep on the couch for two hours. I may even wake up again at a time that it is feasible to go in but I keep telling myself it's ok to sleep a little more. I know I'm doing an idiotic thing, but I do it anyway. I slept until noon today, despite the fact that the boyfriend had me reasonably awake at 7:30am. I came out, laid on the couch and told myself 15 more minutes. I tell myself at night not to do it, but morning comes and I do. And yes, sometimes I don't get enough sleep but I don't think it's that. The nights I do get enough I do the same thing. I can't answer myself when I try to figure out why I'm doing it. I don't hate my job. My boss has been beyond understanding but I'm afraid he's going to reach the end of his patience soon...like maybe I'll go in and get fired tomorrow. Then what the hell will I do?
While I'm at home, I might do a little but I mostly sleep and play my video game. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to turn into my father. I mean, not the jerk part, but I think the reason he lost jobs is because he just didn't go and laid in bed all the time. Hmm, who does that sound like? I'm trying to pinpoint when this started happening. I'm wondering if it's when my neurologist put me on a generic antidepressant that's similar to the one I was taking before. I have an appointment with my general practitioner on Friday and I think I'm going to ask her to put me back on the previous one, because it is different and I wonder if it was the change that started this...wish me luck.

Nothing Clever Comes to Mind

I rarely have a clever title for my posts, so I figured I'd just put it out there right now. It's 4am and soon I will get ready for work, instead of sleeping. I'm wondering if I'll ever have a "normal" sleep schedule again. Oh well, no sense getting on that topic. That's for me, myself and I to work out. Or maybe me and a tranquilizer dart. :P

Oh, as for the saga of Faith...I'm pretty sure she didn't sleep with Jesse again. Joe is being a pretty big jerk now, in my opinion. He won't meet up with her to talk, so after a couple days when she started feeling stronger she told him it was fine, she didn't want to be chasing after him, to bring her stuff back and that would be goodbye. Then he said "friends?" and she didn't know what the heck to say. He was being a...ahem...dummy in my opinion by saying that at that moment. So she just said to give her the stuff back. The "stuff" by the way is some memorabilia she took to him at work a couple weeks ago to remind him of the person she is and remind him of them. She also gave him a card which he claimed he hadn't had time to read yet. She's a good artist and she put a painting of a rose she did in there and she really wants it back. So after she said no he told her he's not giving her stuff back. And that's basically where it's at right now. Joe used to seem like a good guy but now I don't know what he thinks he's doing. I don't know if he's just playing games, if he really has a girlfriend, or what.

What's going on with me in particular? Well a lot of birthday's are coming up. Plus Halloween will be here soon. The boyfriend's friends and family have a tradition of celebrating everyone's birthday's with a party and there are three in November but I believe we have decided to consolidate the parties into one. Plus the boyfriend's sister is having a party on the night before Halloween. As for the birthdays, one is mine on the 10th of November. I'll will be 29, yikes. Two of the boyfriend's friends are born in November as well, one on the same day as me. I kind of don't like sharing my birthday with someone else the boyfriend is close to...but shh, that's just between me and whoever actually reads this. :) It doesn't matter that much, really. Last year the boyfriend and I had only been together for about 7 months and I didn't want to make his friend's celebrate my birthday so I made sure that mine wasn't really the focus of any party. This year I figured I'd be part of it since it has been a lot longer. The other night everyone met up at a popular eatery we all go for dinner. I chose to skip and be lazy but everyone else showed. The topic of the upcoming birthdays came up and I guess one of the friends said "are we obligated to buy something for Melissa too?" The boyfriend apparently got protective and I think the matter was resolved quickly. But I don't want anyone to feel as though the are obligated to buy something for me. Sheesh. I honestly think sometimes the birthday thing gets a little out of control with this group, but I know it started for the sake of celebration. I'm just the whiny type who gets stressed by too many celebrations. :)

All right, I'll get going for now. A few more minutes and I'll get ready for work. And actually, maybe get there early. And people will react with shock and awe. Which actually starts to get on my nerves too. Hmm, maybe I'm too sensitive lately.

Two Mental Health Days

I've taken two days off this week already, so I haven't been to work yet until I go in a few hours and have Wednesday be my Monday. Sounds good, right? *sigh* I wish I thought that. I still have been missing too much work and I have my mom freaked out because of it (mind you, she's over 300 miles away) and I really did not plan on missing any this week. But I'm not on here to talk about missing work and how I do it too often and I'm dumb for doing it. That's obvious and it has been covered. But I really felt as though my reason on Monday was justified.

It started on Sunday night...well, ok, it started three years ago but I won't go back that far. My friend, we'll call her Faith (Faith Hill is playing right now) called off the wedding between her and her ex-fiance a month before they were supposed to be married a little over three years ago. He was devastated, she was sad but felt as though she wasn't ready and wanted time. It led to a complete breakup. Flash forward to about a year and a half ago. She's together with a jerk (my opinion on the boyfriend, we'll call him Jesse) and talking to her ex-fiance again on a regular basis because they've always been best friends. We'll call the ex-fiance Joe. When she was together with Joe they lived in California and she moved up here after they broke up and he came up here to try to get back together with her, and left after a year or so to go back to be near his family and work down there. But Faith and Joe started talking again after she started seeing that she had lost someone she had truly cared for when leaving Joe, especially after dating a couple jerks and getting in a serious relationship with Jesse, the major jerk. Again, my opinion of Jesse the whole time and her opinion toward the end.

So...a few months later (keep in mind it has been 3 years between the original breakup and now, 2 years since she started dating Jesse) Joe decides to move back up here again and buys a house. Tells Faith to take her time getting rid of Jesse, that he's not going anywhere or looking for anyone. That was about four months ago, and Faith finally got rid of Jesse a couple months later, decided to give it one more chance because he promised to be different, he wasn't, and broke it off again last week. She contacted Joe because she wants to talk to him, to let him know she finally had to courage to break it off with Jesse, and he's pretty much ignoring her texts and phone calls. She finally gets in contact with him and he tells her he has found someone that makes him happy. She's freaking out. He says it's over and that he'll be her friend as long as she "plays nice" but that's it. So my friend Faith got drunk on Sunday night and went over to his house that way (thank goodness her brother took her keys away and drove her) and cried in Joe's arms while he told her he had a woman upstairs. He began crying as well I guess. I don't know, I wasn't there. So when she called me and told me that Monday morning, I asked her if she needed someone to be there with her and if so I'd call in to work and she said yes. So I did. There was no way I could really make it better other than being there but I went over and did my best to help. I'm not sure if Joe is really done or not or if he's blinded by lust for this new girl or if he's playing a game to make Faith feel as much pain as he felt when she left him. I mean, I completely understand where he's coming from. And if he moved on, well...then he did. My friend can be quite selfish...but it seems life he has loved her for so long and to finally change his mind when it was so close seems crazy. But I've never actually been around Joe other than meeting him a couple times...again, she lived in a different area when they were together.

I felt really drained after spending most of my day with someone in that much emotional turmoil. I fully intended to go to work on Tuesday, but I only slept from 11-2 very restlessly and then finally fell back asleep at 5am and just felt horrible. I didn't really talk to Faith much yesterday until the evening, she called to tell me that Jesse had contacted her. Yes, Jesse the one I don't like. Apparently he wants to spend "time" with her and he misses her. I asked her if she was seriously considering it and she told me that she was lonely and wanted someone and there wasn't any emotional attachment left anyway, and she didn't want to go look for some stranger to do it with. I told her if she went and did something like that I didn't know if I could continue to talk to her about this stuff. And that people sometimes have to go without sex. She said "well Joe doesn't want me anyway." The woman can't be alone. And I'm sure it's gratifying that he wants her. I can't say I've never made any mistakes, but I swear it's emotionally draining ME to watch her do this stuff over and over. I am reaching the point of wanting to bitch slap her. I think that's part of the reason I've wanted her to get back together with Joe-it sounds like she was actually normal with him. Is that why she couldn't stand to stay with him, she was actually happy?