skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Goals are something the counselor brought up a couple weeks ago. Short-term and long-term goals. I haven't really thought about serious goals in a long time. I mean, the last time I had what I truly consider "goals" in mind dates back to high school and college. Back when the world seemed a little more inviting. :) So we talked about a couple...trying to get a little healthier, doing a few things for myself to make me feel better about myself in general. Put some damn makeup on! So far, meh. I'm bouncing back and forth. As I do on most things. I'll do well some days, not as well other days. Or I'll do well part of the day and not as well the rest of the day. I'm trying to stay in the mindset that doing bad for one day doesn't mean to throw everything out the window.
On Saturday night I went down to the boyfriend's work to meet him during his lunch, which happened to be 3:30am. I have probably mentioned that he works night shift before. I blog so sporadically anymore I have a hard time keeping track of what I have written. It was a nice night so we just sat outside and enjoyed the air. He began asking me about my goals. Has he been hanging out with my shrink?? I don't have any goals! I'm a nearly 30-year-old goal-less female. He asked about owning a house, financial, etc. I know I'd love to have a house someday, but it brings me to my problem I've had for quite some time- I don't know if I want to live in this area for the rest of my life. But I know he does. And I always imagined myself married before committing to buying a home. Goals and committing to them scare me. What if I'm too immature for this relationship? Wouldn't that be great? It's not like we both have jobs in my home area calling us or something. Nor would that ever happen, most likely. Buying a house probably won't be on the table anytime soon, anyway, nor the prospect of marriage, largely due to some credit cards I owe money on. I don't have bad credit, I just owe money. Right now it's probably a good thing; it gives me time on decision-making. I can't imagine making the commitment to a home and marriage without being sure...but will I ever be sure? I'm acting like he proposed or something-I know that's not the case, and we have only skimmed the surface of the home topic. But we have been together for over two years now. Blah, my brain is in turmoil right now. I need to be at least five years younger. 
I know it took a long time to get to this point, many hands went into it, blah blah blah. But I just feel like the country is in fail mode right now. Then when I go on the web and read what little information I can stand, I see pictures of a bunch of stuffy looking men spewing their agendas. It's all a bunch of BS. I'm not saying the job is easy, and there is a lot of fixing to be done. But people are idiots! PS- This post was meant to be rambling and not necessarily meant to make sense.
Another Monday is almost here so I am starting on my endless cycle of going to bed too late and not getting enough sleep. At least this is a short week, since I am taking Friday off to go to Leavenworth with the boyfriend to spend a couple of days. I am quite happy we are going-getting away is nice and I have never been there. We're staying at a bed and breakfast and the room looks beautiful. If only we both get out of bed to enjoy our stay-even noon would be nice. The night person I am by nature has definitely been in full force for quite some time now, and it's starting to get to me. I do crave daylight and sunny days...not that we've been getting a lot of sunny days around here lately. But I'm pretty sure the weather was fairly nice this weekend and I didn't get to enjoy any of it, because I was sleeping. The boyfriend brings out that person in me even more, because he's a creature of the night (lol) and always works night shifts. He will always want to work those shifts; he feels he is pretty much incapable of getting up and having a morning job. So the only way I will get out of this cycle is to pull myself out of it. I've been this way for quite some time though. We'll see...
As for the subject of my post...I've decided to see a counselor. I've probably needed to do so for years and it has just been easier to put off. My lack of happiness lately for reasons I can't pin down, combined with issues in my life I know I need to resolve, led me to decide to see one. The first appointment is a free consultation to see if we "mesh". Well, that appointment was supposed to be on Wednesday but somehow her schedule and my schedule got mixed up and she had me down for this Wednesday. So, my first appointment went well, ha. We'll try again this week-she called and left me a personal apology so that was nice. I've never been to a counselor before so I'm not sure how it will be. I just know I want a female one-probably due to my issues being comfortable around men. I hope the door I'm about to open is not too painful or scary. I mean, what if I get pushed further toward a nervous breakdown because I start talking about things I've pushed aside? Ugh. Oh well, I'm going to go. Feeling unhappy for no apparent reason even when I'm taking an antidepressant is pissing me off. Ugh, again. I analyze myself too much. It's just who I am...can someone make me happy-go-lucky please?
My arms are driving my crazy-well, one arm in particular. And honestly, they were one of the few parts of my body that didn't drive me crazy, except that they're rather short compared to my torso. Anyway, one day a month or two ago I was sitting at my desk, talking to a couple people I work with. You can't help being around conversation in my row, that's for sure. Anyway, a coworker (a rather loud, but nice enough one) made a comment that has made me self-conscious ever since. I'll call her Michelle, because she likes President Obama so much I think she would be his wife in a heartbeat (and I don't mean that as an insult to her or the president). Anyway, she was sitting next to the girl across from me and she asked me out of the blue if I was Italian. I told her no and asked why, and she said because my arms were so hairy! She could only see my left arm at the time. The other girl laughed at Michelle a bit like she couldn't believe what she just said and chastised her a bit. I wasn't sure what to see, so I just said thanks and laughed. Michelle told me she didn't mean it as an insult and it's considered sexy by some and blah blah blah...but now my arms bother me! Especially my left one, it's much hairier and darker than the other one. All my body hair is dark, damn it. From my beard that I can grow as thick as a man's to the hair that decides to grow on top of my big toes. Oh, and I really am female, I promise.The arms were never that big of deal to me. Plenty of women have some arm hair. Legs, even on top of the feet. But the beard that comes from the PCOS, and the excess hair on the upper lip have driven me crazy for years. Mostly the beard. And now there's much more obvious excess hair on my chest as well, because I made the mistake of shaving instead of bleaching a couple years ago. I'd make one sexy man! :) But I'm never going to start shaving my arms. That is something I will not get in the habit of doing. But oh how I'm tempted to go get them waxed just to see how it turns out. I think I wonder how many people have thought "her arms are hairy" over the years and not said anything. I like to push my sleeves up to my elbows, and I've started to cringe when I look down at my arms when I'm typing at work. Thanks for letting me know, Michelle!
It's 4:30am and I'm watching Netflix and...well I guess that's all. Not much interesting going on at this very moment. I've discovered I like the show "Brothers and Sisters" so I'm watching the first season. Despite being a drama primarily, I find myself laughing at various parts. Another work week is not that far away. I slept until 7pm Saturday so I haven't even been up for twelve hours. It's weird, sometimes I think of a lot to say and times like now, there's not much of anything. I think I'm in blah mode. The boyfriend and I supposed to go to Leavenworth in a few weeks so that should be fun. I've never been there. Hmm, okay, I'm boring and I'm going.
That I really don't want to sleep? It has been so long since I've written that I want to write a lot of stuff. Also, despite the fact that I love my new template, it has me totally craving sweets? :) And I finally watched the show "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (I've been curious about it for a long time) and I really like it and want to watch more. It's on netflix
insta
-queue so I have plenty of time but I want more now! I have never claimed to be patient when it comes to most things. Also, I know that the minute I go to sleep I risk the chance of having the annoying, somewhat frightening dreams I've been having lately (more on that later), plus it will be time to go to work before I know it and start another week. Who really wants it to be Monday morning, anyway?
Happy February-almost March. Maybe I'll start writing more often soon. How do you like the template? I found some very cute ones thanks to my blogging friend-I followed the designer on her site. I got on here really quick because I need to delete a one sentence post. I was tinkering around with my phone, trying to link it to mobile blogging to see what that is all about. I got it to work-though I doubt I'll ever use it. Text messaging is annoying enough on a Blackberry, let alone writing a whole blog entry. And well, as far as I can tell there is no way to give the entry a title, which would frustrate me. The little things often do. I need to get up in five hours so maybe I should go sleep now!
I'll just be upfront. My ex has been on my mind. It's stupid, it's crazy, but it's happening. I love the boyfriend. He is a wonderful man, and I do love him. The guy I just called my ex, well we were never officially together. We were friends and lovers off and on since 2004 and we didn't ever get to have a lot of time together in the same place at the same time. The last time I saw him was in September of 2008, when I dropped him off at the airport to leave the country for the third time since I met him. We hadn't broken anything off when he left (not that there was officially anything to break off) but I knew he was leaving for at least a year and that was that. I had my share of stupid decisions after that (having a rendezvous or two with men who were taken, dating a major jerk for about a month) but then the boyfriend came along in April 2009 and we've been together since then. And I love him. I really do...I'll call the ex J. Well, J has always been a wanderer, restless if he stays in one place for too long. He wasn't a cheating, ladies' man type, so that's not the reason we never tried things officially. We have sent messages back and forth since he has been out of the country, and since I've been with the boyfriend. Mostly just talking about how life is going. He'll say something flirty once in a while but it's silly. I may say something back but it's nothing. It's usually more making fun of him than anything else. The lack of closure that we had is what comes back and eats away at me from time to time. When he left, it wasn't a permanent goodbye. It wasn't "I'll wait for you" either. It was just...he left. And it's not like he's trying to get me to be with him. He told me going after someone who is taken is not his style, he's seen how badly that goes. Him and I were never in the same place at the same time, and we probably never are meant to be in the same place at the same time. This is total rambling. Lately I am in one of those moods where nearly every song I hear I can relate it to something that had to do with him. He was in my dreams last night...across the parking lot at a grocery store, I had to squint to see if it was him and realized it was and he embraced me. And I still think the best week of my life was when I went to Japan and visited him when he was there. Do all women try to bring drama into their lives when things are going reasonably well? Is my restless side looking for a kindred spirit? I literally jumped inside the other night when I saw his name pop up on the game we both play...he signed in and started talking to me. Okay I am done for now. At least I got some of it out. Sleep soon.
That has to be what I'm doing right now. I honestly can't think of anything else. It's what I have been thinking that I may be doing, and after the boyfriend said he thinks it as well today without me even saying it I'm pretty sure it must be true. But why?I miss so much work lately that I should be fired. I've missed every day of work this week so far. I don't understand myself. Sometimes I'll be so deep in sleep I won't wake up. Fine, get a louder alarm clock. I used to sleep through alarms for 45 minutes when I was a kid, not hear them ringing. But I grew out of that once I got a little older, until now it seems. But this isn't the sabotage I'm talking about...although it is pretty stupid that I haven't just went and got a new alarm by now. I'm talking about the other days I don't go. The days that I do wake up, come out of the bedroom, tell myself just a few more minutes and fall back asleep on the couch for two hours. I may even wake up again at a time that it is feasible to go in but I keep telling myself it's ok to sleep a little more. I know I'm doing an idiotic thing, but I do it anyway. I slept until noon today, despite the fact that the boyfriend had me reasonably awake at 7:30am. I came out, laid on the couch and told myself 15 more minutes. I tell myself at night not to do it, but morning comes and I do. And yes, sometimes I don't get enough sleep but I don't think it's that. The nights I do get enough I do the same thing. I can't answer myself when I try to figure out why I'm doing it. I don't hate my job. My boss has been beyond understanding but I'm afraid he's going to reach the end of his patience soon...like maybe I'll go in and get fired tomorrow. Then what the hell will I do?While I'm at home, I might do a little but I mostly sleep and play my video game. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to turn into my father. I mean, not the jerk part, but I think the reason he lost jobs is because he just didn't go and laid in bed all the time. Hmm, who does that sound like? I'm trying to pinpoint when this started happening. I'm wondering if it's when my neurologist put me on a generic antidepressant that's similar to the one I was taking before. I have an appointment with my general practitioner on Friday and I think I'm going to ask her to put me back on the previous one, because it is different and I wonder if it was the change that started this...wish me luck.
I rarely have a clever title for my posts, so I figured I'd just put it out there right now. It's 4am and soon I will get ready for work, instead of sleeping. I'm wondering if I'll ever have a "normal" sleep schedule again. Oh well, no sense getting on that topic. That's for me, myself and I to work out. Or maybe me and a tranquilizer dart. :P
Oh, as for the saga of Faith...I'm pretty sure she didn't sleep with Jesse again. Joe is being a pretty big jerk now, in my opinion. He won't meet up with her to talk, so after a couple days when she started feeling stronger she told him it was fine, she didn't want to be chasing after him, to bring her stuff back and that would be goodbye. Then he said "friends?" and she didn't know what the heck to say. He was being a...ahem...dummy in my opinion by saying that at that moment. So she just said to give her the stuff back. The "stuff" by the way is some memorabilia she took to him at work a couple weeks ago to remind him of the person she is and remind him of them. She also gave him a card which he claimed he hadn't had time to read yet. She's a good artist and she put a painting of a rose she did in there and she really wants it back. So after she said no he told her he's not giving her stuff back. And that's basically where it's at right now. Joe used to seem like a good guy but now I don't know what he thinks he's doing. I don't know if he's just playing games, if he really has a girlfriend, or what.
What's going on with me in particular? Well a lot of birthday's are coming up. Plus Halloween will be here soon. The boyfriend's friends and family have a tradition of celebrating everyone's birthday's with a party and there are three in November but I believe we have decided to consolidate the parties into one. Plus the boyfriend's sister is having a party on the night before Halloween. As for the birthdays, one is mine on the 10th of November. I'll will be 29, yikes. Two of the boyfriend's friends are born in November as well, one on the same day as me. I kind of don't like sharing my birthday with someone else the boyfriend is close to...but shh, that's just between me and whoever actually reads this. :) It doesn't matter that much, really. Last year the boyfriend and I had only been together for about 7 months and I didn't want to make his friend's celebrate my birthday so I made sure that mine wasn't really the focus of any party. This year I figured I'd be part of it since it has been a lot longer. The other night everyone met up at a popular eatery we all go for dinner. I chose to skip and be lazy but everyone else showed. The topic of the upcoming birthdays came up and I guess one of the friends said "are we obligated to buy something for Melissa too?" The boyfriend apparently got protective and I think the matter was resolved quickly. But I don't want anyone to feel as though the are obligated to buy something for me. Sheesh. I honestly think sometimes the birthday thing gets a little out of control with this group, but I know it started for the sake of celebration. I'm just the whiny type who gets stressed by too many celebrations. :)
All right, I'll get going for now. A few more minutes and I'll get ready for work. And actually, maybe get there early. And people will react with shock and awe. Which actually starts to get on my nerves too. Hmm, maybe I'm too sensitive lately.
I've taken two days off this week already, so I haven't been to work yet until I go in a few hours and have Wednesday be my Monday. Sounds good, right? *sigh* I wish I thought that. I still have been missing too much work and I have my mom freaked out because of it (mind you, she's over 300 miles away) and I really did not plan on missing any this week. But I'm not on here to talk about missing work and how I do it too often and I'm dumb for doing it. That's obvious and it has been covered. But I really felt as though my reason on Monday was justified.It started on Sunday night...well, ok, it started three years ago but I won't go back that far. My friend, we'll call her Faith (Faith Hill is playing right now) called off the wedding between her and her ex-fiance a month before they were supposed to be married a little over three years ago. He was devastated, she was sad but felt as though she wasn't ready and wanted time. It led to a complete breakup. Flash forward to about a year and a half ago. She's together with a jerk (my opinion on the boyfriend, we'll call him Jesse) and talking to her ex-fiance again on a regular basis because they've always been best friends. We'll call the ex-fiance Joe. When she was together with Joe they lived in California and she moved up here after they broke up and he came up here to try to get back together with her, and left after a year or so to go back to be near his family and work down there. But Faith and Joe started talking again after she started seeing that she had lost someone she had truly cared for when leaving Joe, especially after dating a couple jerks and getting in a serious relationship with Jesse, the major jerk. Again, my opinion of Jesse the whole time and her opinion toward the end.So...a few months later (keep in mind it has been 3 years between the original breakup and now, 2 years since she started dating Jesse) Joe decides to move back up here again and buys a house. Tells Faith to take her time getting rid of Jesse, that he's not going anywhere or looking for anyone. That was about four months ago, and Faith finally got rid of Jesse a couple months later, decided to give it one more chance because he promised to be different, he wasn't, and broke it off again last week. She contacted Joe because she wants to talk to him, to let him know she finally had to courage to break it off with Jesse, and he's pretty much ignoring her texts and phone calls. She finally gets in contact with him and he tells her he has found someone that makes him happy. She's freaking out. He says it's over and that he'll be her friend as long as she "plays nice" but that's it. So my friend Faith got drunk on Sunday night and went over to his house that way (thank goodness her brother took her keys away and drove her) and cried in Joe's arms while he told her he had a woman upstairs. He began crying as well I guess. I don't know, I wasn't there. So when she called me and told me that Monday morning, I asked her if she needed someone to be there with her and if so I'd call in to work and she said yes. So I did. There was no way I could really make it better other than being there but I went over and did my best to help. I'm not sure if Joe is really done or not or if he's blinded by lust for this new girl or if he's playing a game to make Faith feel as much pain as he felt when she left him. I mean, I completely understand where he's coming from. And if he moved on, well...then he did. My friend can be quite selfish...but it seems life he has loved her for so long and to finally change his mind when it was so close seems crazy. But I've never actually been around Joe other than meeting him a couple times...again, she lived in a different area when they were together.I felt really drained after spending most of my day with someone in that much emotional turmoil. I fully intended to go to work on Tuesday, but I only slept from 11-2 very restlessly and then finally fell back asleep at 5am and just felt horrible. I didn't really talk to Faith much yesterday until the evening, she called to tell me that Jesse had contacted her. Yes, Jesse the one I don't like. Apparently he wants to spend "time" with her and he misses her. I asked her if she was seriously considering it and she told me that she was lonely and wanted someone and there wasn't any emotional attachment left anyway, and she didn't want to go look for some stranger to do it with. I told her if she went and did something like that I didn't know if I could continue to talk to her about this stuff. And that people sometimes have to go without sex. She said "well Joe doesn't want me anyway." The woman can't be alone. And I'm sure it's gratifying that he wants her. I can't say I've never made any mistakes, but I swear it's emotionally draining ME to watch her do this stuff over and over. I am reaching the point of wanting to bitch slap her. I think that's part of the reason I've wanted her to get back together with Joe-it sounds like she was actually normal with him. Is that why she couldn't stand to stay with him, she was actually happy?
I always thought taxes were honestly more inevitable to surround me at all times, but I'm starting to wonder. The boyfriend told me today that a man that he works with died over the weekend. This man was only forty years old and it was unexpected. He just...died. No accidents or anything like that. He had been tired a lot, had trouble sleeping and trouble staying awake, had some trouble breathing and had a doctor appointment the next day...that he didn't make it to. I don't know if it was a severe case of pneumonia or what. The thing is, this is the third employee that has died at the boyfriend's work this year. This is totally weird to me. And these are people he knew, too. Both the others were older but they were both unexpected as well. I told him he should get his butt home and stay away from the death trap. Of course it's not possible and it sounds insensitive, but it is a little scary.
I found out today my uncle needs a liver transplant. This is my uncle on my father's side, his only brother. My uncle is only 2 years older than me because my grandma had him so late in life by accident. He arrived extremely early and in 1979 they didn't know a whole lot about what to do when that happened so they gave him a lot of steroids and who knows what else to keep him alive. I believe all this resulted in him having medical problems his whole life - of course genetics could have been a factor. He had to have his spleen removed when we were kids. We actually were quite close while we were growing up. So I found out today via family on Facebook that he's coming over to the Seattle area to see a specialist and find out about getting a transplant. I don't know how easy it will be to find one. I've heard that he wants to give up. I hope he doesn't. I want to go see him, hopefully there is a good chance. And the boyfriend wonders why I don't want to have kids someday- see all the genetic stuff that runs in my family?
I really should write more often, but it just never seems to happen. Nothing in August, one in July, and only one this month so far. I guess that means I have other things to do...or I'm just too lazy. Honestly some days I have a lot on my mind and it probably would be good to get it out rather than sit and think about it but I feel like I don't have the energy to do so. And really, I haven't made many changes in my life lately. Oh and there are changes I need to make.
I've talked about the food/overweight/health issues plenty of times. I believe I have a doctor appointment scheduled for October and I haven't really made any effort to start eating better or exercising. Last week my friend wanted me to go walk on a trail with her and take her dog for a walk. The walk lasted quite a while and by the time we got back my back was killing me. It doesn't hurt on a regular basis but if I stand in the wrong position too long or walk too long it does. I think it is sick of carrying my gut around. I couldn't force myself to have good posture when I was walking up the hills on the way back because it hurt, and the way I was walking hurt too. I definitely need to get in better shape. I've always been obese but I have been in better shape than I'm in right now. That will help the blood sugar...I hope.
I'd like to write more but I believe I'm getting too tired. I want to get back into reading more, and I'd like to read some classics. Not many people read this, but does anyone have any suggestions? I'm debating between "East of Eden" and "Wuthering Heights" right now. OK, time for sleep.
Why on Earth do the good people of the world seem to be dying lately and the ones who live harshly and are not very good people are still alive? That may be a very blunt question, but that is what my half-asleep brain is thinking right now. A lot has happened this year to people I know and even to myself. I know two girls who have lost their fathers. I lost my grandmother. Granted, she smoked and drank a little more than she should have but she was still a good person. There was an accident in a mine in my hometown that killed a man who was only 29, with a wife and a newborn. He came from a family who had lost at least two others to mining. A fellow blogger lost a nephew who was much too young to be leaving this world in my opinion. Yet someone like my father is still here-he who hasn't done anything for anyone but himself in years. Someone who would hardly be missed if he was gone. Yes it sounds horrible for me to say these things about him to an outsider but it's the best example I have right now. But if people must be taken from this world I would think some of the awful individuals could be taken first.
I feel like I need to get away. But I can't figure where I need to get away to, or if I will feel any better once I get away to that place. In all honesty, what I feel like I need to get away from is myself. I don't think that's possible...But if it is let me know.
I got the monitor on Friday and took my blood sugar as soon as I got home. Well, one hour after eating. And it was in the 200's. Yikes, that is not good at all. I just started taking my pills again so I know they haven't had time to stabilize my system but I'm freaked out a little. What if she wants me to start doing shots of insulin the next time I go in? I can't imagine giving myself shots. :( A couple other times I took it it was better. It was in the 130's a couple mornings when I woke up, and in the 160's after dinner. Not good, but not as bad. Then this morning it was in the 200's again! But it had only been five hours or so since I had eaten. I had a few rice cakes before bed. All in all I'm trying to do better. I haven't had any major sweets since before I went to the doctor. It's hard to explain to the boyfriend about the difficulty I have with food, especially sweets. Yes, I crave a huge burger sometimes. Or rich pasta. But really sweets are my weakness. I can binge on something that is way to rich for most people. Carrot cake, cheesecake, endless chocolate chip cookies...it is actually a little difficult just writing about them. I feel as though I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to these things. Similar anyway. And I don't think I've met anyone in my entire life that understands it. Why I can't just say no. Or just have one. Ok I'll just have one...dozen.
Well I had the doctor appointment. The main reason I wanted to go was because of the painful toe but I knew it was time to get the other, ahem, checkups as well. I've officially gained 20 lbs since last year. Since the last time I went there, which I believe was May 2009. Yeah, I knew I had gained weight, and I'm not someone who can afford to do so. A lot of my shirts aren't fitting well, although some of my pants still fall off of me. That's what I get for having a gut but a lack of an ass for my size. Anyway, I've been slacking off on my blood sugar pills for quite some time so it's time to start taking those regularly again. Why did I stop? They cause an upset stomach a lot which certainly gets annoying. But it's better than making sure I have an early grave I guess. I really need to start eating better. The doctor even talked to me about a weight loss surgery yesterday. She asked me if I've ever considered one. I've been overweight since I was a little (well, not so little) kid and generally someone who has been as long as I have doesn't change. There are some people who manage to do it but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's something I'll have to think about rather than immediately go for though. I talked to the boyfriend about it last night and he really didn't like the idea of surgery. He's overweight too but he hasn't been his whole life like me. He said he wants to try to work together to lose, but I usually discourage or push back. I felt like I was getting a lot of blame when I feel like he has never really pushed to start getting healthy. But I don't know, maybe I have pushed back and didn't realize it. God knows I resist and resist. If I didn't resist I'd be a lot smaller by now. So now I'm supposed to write down a log of stuff I eat and get a blood sugar monitor again. I don't mind, I know it's necessary. I want to get in the habit of writing down what I eat anyway.After I got home and took a nap I checked my email and had a letter from the financial aid office at the school I was thinking about applying to. I was leaning toward not applying anyway, between schedules and now needing to get on track health-wise. But now I'm definitely not applying, because they will not even give me enough in student loans to fund the education! Let alone have anything at all left over. That's what I get for having four year degrees already I guess. Oh well. I guess it's just not meant to be, at least not right now. More time to work on me I guess. Speaking of work...I should do some of that. At least it's Friday...
Is that something new? No. It's pretty much my daily philosophy anymore. I never write lately but if something major happens hopefully I will share it with the few of you that read this. Anyway, I have a doctor appointment in an hour and I hope someone in charge will give me permission to work from home for the rest of the day. I don't have a lot of work to do but I do have some stuff I can take care of if I really want to. They have slowly been giving me more cities to handle at work. I think they can tell I get bored. The problem? I still often wait until later to start working on them because I know I can get it done in a shorter amount of time than I have. Sometimes I get paperwork for two cities a week in advance, and I have nothing due within that week, but I know I don't need that whole week to get them done so I procrastinate. I honestly think I just get bored easily though. Part of it may be a short attention span in general, which I think I developed with age and could be a side effect of the pills I take. But I think the rest is always wanting something more. I've worked here for nearly two years and the first year was in one position, the second in this one. I know we're not getting raises, I know I'm not getting promoted. I know I'm lucky to have a job and have people I get along with around me. However, I know this isn't my dream and back in high school I always thought I'd have a career, not just a job. Maybe it's because I was the smart kid back then, who knows? It has been ten years since high school, I have two bachelor degrees and nothing to show for them besides student loans. I've been thinking about going to school lately, to be an esthetician. I've always loved the makeup/skincare/beauty industry in general and I think it would be quite interesting to work in. I even toured a school last weekend. The problem is, I would have to work full-time in order to have insurance (and most likely enough money) while in school. In college I never worked, so I can't imagine what that's like. And since I have a bachelor degree already, I'm not eligible for a Pell grant. If I get anything it will be loans most likely. But I don't think I could make it ten months with eight hours of work and four hours of school four days a week. I'm just not that ambitious. Especially since the school and my home are pretty far apart (downtown vs suburb) so it would be a much longer day with bus commutes.Well, that's what's on my mind for now. Wish me luck at the doctor- I just love going! Ha.
Why haven't I been writing lately? The lack of reasons to write? The lack of time? The lack of ambition? Probably mostly the last one, although I never feel my life is that adventurous so there you have it. But really some things have happened in the last month, so this post will probably be a hybrid of everything.
First of all, my grandma died on May 4th. She was actually my step-grandma, married to my mom's dad, but they had been married before I was even born so I'd always called her grandma. She had been sick with cancer for quite a while so it wasn't a surprise, but still upset a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely sad but I wasn't as close to her as many other people were so I didn't take it as hard I guess. So I went back to Idaho for a few days-unplanned trip and I had not made the drive by myself in quite some time but I made it fine. The funeral started to seem more like a church service, and I didn't really see why, but oh well. And I didn't cry, but I rarely cry at funerals. I guess I'm odd. I saw my family and tried to avoid most other people in the small area I am from. I'm not all that social of a person a lot of the time and I only care to see people I want to see. I am mostly like this about people from the past, AKA people I went to HS with. So I avoided the local Walmart, the one place everyone shops! But I did go to see my friend Tabitha. I've known her since third grade and we've had a lot of time apart off and on since then but she's a good friend still today. She has two kids and a husband now. It is strange sometimes seeing her now...I want to preface this by saying she is still a very pretty girl, don't get me wrong. But in high school (and a few years after) she was always fairly thin and fit society's definition of gorgeous. Not that she ever cared about that. She was never concerned about being popular and she is definitely a quirky girl with her own personality. :) But now she has gained quite a bit of weight and tells me she is somewhat depressed and often doesn't feel good about herself. I wish I could be there to be a good friend and help her feel better. But being around her family also got me thinking. I don't know if I'll ever want to have kids. I've felt this way since I was a teenager, honestly, and even though there have been a couple times that I thought I may feel differently I know that I really don't. And it's not because I look at her kids and think "ew", lol. It's because I can never see myself wanting to have that responsibility. And, well, the boyfriend feels differently. I was pretty sure of that when I first started thinking about it in Idaho and I clarified it when I got home. I asked him if his opinion on it was "No, maybe leaning toward no, maybe leaning toward yes, or yes." But he also said not to worry about it right now because he's not wanting to have them right now! I don't think he was even maybe leaning toward yes though...I'm pretty sure he was yes. But I'm not dwelling on it, which is surprising for me. I'm living for now when it comes to this.
Well, there are more things that can be talked about right now, including the talk I had with my mom regarding childhood, getting in a little trouble at work, and sleep deprivation, but I have done nothing today and I really need to get to work. Perhaps I'll get the ambition to post later?
Posts
