I'm really high!

I got the monitor on Friday and took my blood sugar as soon as I got home. Well, one hour after eating. And it was in the 200's. Yikes, that is not good at all. I just started taking my pills again so I know they haven't had time to stabilize my system but I'm freaked out a little. What if she wants me to start doing shots of insulin the next time I go in? I can't imagine giving myself shots. :( A couple other times I took it it was better. It was in the 130's a couple mornings when I woke up, and in the 160's after dinner. Not good, but not as bad. Then this morning it was in the 200's again! But it had only been five hours or so since I had eaten. I had a few rice cakes before bed. All in all I'm trying to do better. I haven't had any major sweets since before I went to the doctor. It's hard to explain to the boyfriend about the difficulty I have with food, especially sweets. Yes, I crave a huge burger sometimes. Or rich pasta. But really sweets are my weakness. I can binge on something that is way to rich for most people. Carrot cake, cheesecake, endless chocolate chip cookies...it is actually a little difficult just writing about them. I feel as though I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to these things. Similar anyway. And I don't think I've met anyone in my entire life that understands it. Why I can't just say no. Or just have one. Ok I'll just have one...dozen.

So I'm officially a mess

Well I had the doctor appointment. The main reason I wanted to go was because of the painful toe but I knew it was time to get the other, ahem, checkups as well. I've officially gained 20 lbs since last year. Since the last time I went there, which I believe was May 2009. Yeah, I knew I had gained weight, and I'm not someone who can afford to do so. A lot of my shirts aren't fitting well, although some of my pants still fall off of me. That's what I get for having a gut but a lack of an ass for my size. Anyway, I've been slacking off on my blood sugar pills for quite some time so it's time to start taking those regularly again. Why did I stop? They cause an upset stomach a lot which certainly gets annoying. But it's better than making sure I have an early grave I guess. I really need to start eating better. The doctor even talked to me about a weight loss surgery yesterday. She asked me if I've ever considered one. I've been overweight since I was a little (well, not so little) kid and generally someone who has been as long as I have doesn't change. There are some people who manage to do it but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's something I'll have to think about rather than immediately go for though. I talked to the boyfriend about it last night and he really didn't like the idea of surgery. He's overweight too but he hasn't been his whole life like me. He said he wants to try to work together to lose, but I usually discourage or push back. I felt like I was getting a lot of blame when I feel like he has never really pushed to start getting healthy. But I don't know, maybe I have pushed back and didn't realize it. God knows I resist and resist. If I didn't resist I'd be a lot smaller by now. So now I'm supposed to write down a log of stuff I eat and get a blood sugar monitor again. I don't mind, I know it's necessary. I want to get in the habit of writing down what I eat anyway.

After I got home and took a nap I checked my email and had a letter from the financial aid office at the school I was thinking about applying to. I was leaning toward not applying anyway, between schedules and now needing to get on track health-wise. But now I'm definitely not applying, because they will not even give me enough in student loans to fund the education! Let alone have anything at all left over. That's what I get for having four year degrees already I guess. Oh well. I guess it's just not meant to be, at least not right now. More time to work on me I guess. Speaking of work...I should do some of that. At least it's Friday...

I Wanna Go Home!

Is that something new? No. It's pretty much my daily philosophy anymore. I never write lately but if something major happens hopefully I will share it with the few of you that read this. Anyway, I have a doctor appointment in an hour and I hope someone in charge will give me permission to work from home for the rest of the day. I don't have a lot of work to do but I do have some stuff I can take care of if I really want to. They have slowly been giving me more cities to handle at work. I think they can tell I get bored. The problem? I still often wait until later to start working on them because I know I can get it done in a shorter amount of time than I have. Sometimes I get paperwork for two cities a week in advance, and I have nothing due within that week, but I know I don't need that whole week to get them done so I procrastinate. I honestly think I just get bored easily though. Part of it may be a short attention span in general, which I think I developed with age and could be a side effect of the pills I take. But I think the rest is always wanting something more. I've worked here for nearly two years and the first year was in one position, the second in this one. I know we're not getting raises, I know I'm not getting promoted. I know I'm lucky to have a job and have people I get along with around me. However, I know this isn't my dream and back in high school I always thought I'd have a career, not just a job. Maybe it's because I was the smart kid back then, who knows? It has been ten years since high school, I have two bachelor degrees and nothing to show for them besides student loans.

I've been thinking about going to school lately, to be an esthetician. I've always loved the makeup/skincare/beauty industry in general and I think it would be quite interesting to work in. I even toured a school last weekend. The problem is, I would have to work full-time in order to have insurance (and most likely enough money) while in school. In college I never worked, so I can't imagine what that's like. And since I have a bachelor degree already, I'm not eligible for a Pell grant. If I get anything it will be loans most likely. But I don't think I could make it ten months with eight hours of work and four hours of school four days a week. I'm just not that ambitious. Especially since the school and my home are pretty far apart (downtown vs suburb) so it would be a much longer day with bus commutes.

Well, that's what's on my mind for now. Wish me luck at the doctor- I just love going! Ha.