What is going on??

The "comments" are now right under the title of my post instead of at the end. I don't like that! And I can't find a way to stop it. Lame. :(

I didn't bring anything for lunch!

And I want something yummy to eat. All we have here is a vending machine with candy and chips and that's bad. Give me suggestions if anyone reads this! Hehe.

I SO Don't Want to be Here

You guessed it, I'm at work. I really don't know what my problem is. I've had much, much worse jobs that this one. This job saved me from the Safeway deli and I will be forever grateful. Well, not this exact job but the company anyway. This is not a bad place to work by any means. I have a nice, cool boss and most of my coworkers are cool to be around as well. Let me put it this way- as much as I complain about one of them, it isn't at the point where that person picks on me or anything so I can deal with it usually. But most days I truly find myself wishing I was somewhere else. I certainly wouldn't say ANYWHERE else, but somewhere else. The problem is, I don't know where. In a gorgeous house on a beach next to the ocean? Sure, that sounds great. But lets get serious...

Obviously I wasn't born into a trust fund or I would have talked about it by now. And I don't think I'd be working full-time. Probably volunteering and vacationing a lot. It has been 10 years since I graduated high school and I was the valedictorian of my class, though it was quite small. When I graduated high school people expected me to do something with my life. I expected me to do something with my life. Sure, I received college degrees but all I have to show for it now is a ton of debt. Why do I still think I need to find a field that "means" something to me, or that I feel like I was meant to do? I know a lot of people who go through life not doing something that they feel they were "meant" to do. My mom is an administrative assistant for an accounting firm, and she enjoys her job, but I doubt she feels like it was her calling. Most of the things I think it would be wonderful to do are extremely difficult to get into anyway. I think it would be great to be a writer, but I haven't written anything in ages and I don't even have any ideas anymore. Photography is something that I really like, but that's a pipe dream as well. I may have a slight knack for seeing pretty pictures, but it takes a lot more than that. And there's a part of me that would still like to go back to school and get my master's and become a counselor, but I'm still not sure that's what I want and I better be pretty damn sure before I even try to work something like that out.

Hmm...I guess that's all my brain can come up with in this area for now. I really don't know what I'm searching for, but will I know when I find it? Or perhaps I'm just being my whiny self.

It's almost 2am

A country song is playing and I'm blogging. Don't worry, I won't post the lyrics to this one. It's good, but doesn't make me want to cry or anything like that, ha. I haven't written in the past week, probably because I've actually been busy at work. I tend to write at work or in the middle of the night when I'm at home. I'm usually at the boyfriend's on the weekend and I don't write there because he actually doesn't know I have a blog. Of course, you probably figured that. I have complained about him a few times in it. He really is a great guy but wow he made me mad Monday night. I got up to change to my jeans, grabbed my keys and was going to walk out but he got up and put his arms around me and told me not to go. It all went back to the "alone time" again. He told me he had said that he wanted to be alone on Monday night and I said I didn't remember that and finally got pissed because he needed the night before alone as well and he was making me feel like I am just a pain so I was going to leave. Plus we are going to move in together next month and I've asked him multiple times if he's sure, because he won't get 'nights alone.' He always says he's sure. Granted, quite often I plan on actually being asleep once I'm not 'going over' and it's actually my home. I don't feel as though I need to be with him every second, which is probably how a couple sentences above came off. I can go more than a night without seeing him. But I get annoyed at the fact that it always seems to be him that decides when we will be together. I guess it's hard for me to make that decision when it's his place however. I pretty much always want to see him when he wants to see me however. Ramble ramble ramble. Who cares? I've met women much needier and much more psycho toward men than me, believe it or not...

Work has been a bit overwhelming this week. I got a couple new cities, which is good because I've been bored. However this happened right before a busy time on my calendar and a long weekend so I've been behind. I think I got somewhat caught up though, we'll see. I really need to remember to bring my iPod and headphones in with me every day. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to work with it on, but I think I'm going to lose it if I hear much more of the drama coming from "the cubicle" over yonder. I hope my coworker and former coworker aren't offended when I blog about being annoyed at coworkers, but it drives me nuts to hear this day after day. I've been dysfunctional when it comes to men before, don't get me wrong. But have I been this bad? Day in day out it's some sort of needing advice, I'm done, what's he thinking, what does he want, etc... I have been this way. It was always over one guy at a time. And there have only been a couple. She is constantly going out with a new guy, fretting over him, asking all these questions, and constantly being disappointed. I probably sound callous. But the main reason I'm annoyed is because it's ridiculous how loud it gets over there. I hear all the man problems because of how loud she speaks, and it gets really old when I'm trying to concentrate on something. Well, it gets really old in general. Now the way the office is set up it is easy to hear other people's voices/conversations, but she is just louder than necessary. Even on personal calls...or sometimes especially on personal calls. I also hear all the noise from the lunchroom in my cube so that can get old as well. I could write a gossip column for the office because of the stuff I don't even try to hear.

Ok, this has really just been random stuff because I'm not really focused on anything. Tomorrow after work I'm supposed to drive south of Seattle to help the boyfriend cat-sit for his sister and bro-in-law for the weekend. We've done it before and it's nice to be in a house, just a little crazy because they have five cats, two are kittens and extremely hyper. Just not looking forward to driving south in rush hour on a Friday...

Apparently I'm a spice girl

We had cake at work today for my boss's birthday. Apparently spice cake is one of his favorite kinds so that is the flavor our department had. It's not one of my favorites but face it, it was cake and I had more than my share. Big surprise. Not to say it wasn't good, but it wasn't carrot cake or chocolate cake, which are my favorites. I see the inspirational blogs that my friend GypsyJody has been posting lately and it makes me want to do better. There have been times in my life where I have done better. But it has rarely been eating well and exercising at the same time. Generally it's a half-assed effort to exercise combined with eating fairly decently. Once I make an effort to eat well and eat less I tend to lose immediately. That's what happens when you're over 100 lbs. overweight rather than 10-20 pounds overweight like some people. My grandma, 67 years old, is probably only a size 10, MAYBE a size 12. That's amazing to me, I'd love to be her. But she can't help but wish she was a size 6 or 8 like she used to be. I always hear people say "oh, if I could only get down to the size I used to be." Ha, I wouldn't mind being what I was a couple years ago. But not what I was in college. I reached my highest weight in college. About 25 pounds higher than I am right now. I'm now at the highest weight I was in high school, which does not please me. Food is certainly a comfort thing to me, as well as the perfect distraction when I'm bored. And sweets are totally my biggest weakness. And not the kinds that are "fat-free" like licorice. Oh hell no. Cookies, cakes, ice cream, cheesecake, all the worst ones for you. And it's not that I don't love greasy cheeseburgers and rich pasta. But if there is hamburger sitting in the refrigerator I can resist making one and eating it. But if there are homemade chocolate chip cookies in the place, I am going to be devouring them all day. Sometimes I'll go part of a day lately thinking "I'm going to eat well" and the next thing I know I'm eating something bad without even realizing it. That's how much trouble I'm having with getting in the mindset of trying to do well again. My attitude toward getting healthier is so warped right now I can't even remember it from one moment to the next. Do I need to write it on the back of my hand or what? Well, it's about time to leave work. And I really want to stop at Jack in the Box and get a cheeseburger with fries and the fat girl's ketchup. *sigh*

What is it with me and depressing songs?

I heard this one over the weekend I was at my parents' house during Christmas. They get a ton of channels and they get the country one that actually plays videos. Well tonight I got on iTunes and remembered this one and downloaded it. I've always loved songs about heartbreak and this one certainly applies. I thought for years it was because I was constantly chasing someone who didn't want me...a couple different someones, but none of them ever wanted me the way I wanted them. Well here I am, finally with someone who cares and I care for him too, and I'm still loving the heartbreaking songs. I mean, this one made me cry, tears rolling down my face. Is it because of the hurt in the song, or because of the past? Or maybe I'm just tired, I tend to get weepy easily when I'm tired. I wish it was a little later, I'd seriously just go to work and get it over with. Anyway, this post is about the song. As usual, here are the lyrics. Gah, I want to snuggle with a teddy bear right now.

"Keep You" by Sugarland

We said goodbye. Tried our hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So run away, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' someone else who wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.
Then all that disappears.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

Suddenly I'm FRUSTRATED at the world

And I'm too frustrated/don't have enough time to blog about why! ARGH!

The Fat Girl's Ketchup

I hear a lot of people talk about french fries lately. About how french fries are their weakness, and the greasiness is incredibly fulfilling when consumed. Some people are better at resisting than others. I'm not one of these people. Why, you ask? A lot of the reason is because I love "the fat girl's ketchup" so much.

Have you heard this term before? I hadn't until last week. I hope it's not a copyright infringement or something. Anyway, it's a term for ranch dressing and I guess using it other places besides a salad? Well, I love it. And especially on my french fries. Which probably explains why McDonald's fries aren't a major weakness of mine, because I don't dunk them in ranch. But as for other places...I love Jack in the Box fries with ranch. I got a little pissed at the boyfriend one time when I got Jack in the Box and he only asked for two ranch. You see, I got chicken strips that time instead of a burger, and two little containers of ranch is not enough for chicken strips and fries. Yes, I love it on my chicken strips as well. Red Robin is another awesome place for this. I often get "clucks and fries" and of course a container of ranch. Chicken strips and fries dunked in ranch, my own little piece of greasy, fattening heaven.

Now I can't say I'm one of those people who puts "the fat girl's ketchup" on everything. Chicken strips, fries, sometimes on my salad (if I ever have one) are pretty much my main things. Sometimes sandwiches if I'm going all out. I've seen some people put actual ketchup on almost everything. I find it strange. But I'm sure others find me strange. I take something fattening and make it worse. Ketchup would be better, even if it has sugars in it. I even decide to make my burgers worse...I choose mayonnaise on those rather than ketchup. I didn't even know I preferred that until college. Gotta love what a college education did for me. So what should we call using mayo in place of ketchup? Hmm...

WHY?

Why can't I ever concentrate on my job? I can't even blame it on sleep all the time. I got plenty of sleep last night. Ten hours or so. BLARGH. I need to be employed, I certainly can't survive on my looks. I have debt, that's for sure. And even if I'd like a few weeks off, I'd go insane after a while, I know this about myself. And the place I work is certainly not a bad place. So WTF is wrong with me? I barely got anything accomplished yesterday and today has not been any better. I'm looking for excuses to leave, yet I know I don't have the time and I need to stay. Is it because I know this was not my calling in life? I don't know WTF my calling in life is. I don't really think I have a calling in life. To eat a lot and lay around and sit on my fat butt. Well, I often lay rather than sit. Do you know how dirty my room is? Well, not necessarily dirty but messy. I can blame a lot of it on not being home and being tired when I am home, but my goodness it's pathetic. Piles of clothes, various boxes, mail. It's sad, I should not be that messy. I'm not a teenager. I think I'm wishing I was or something. Or maybe I should have been a teacher...long breaks would be nice.