Shoes!

I ordered some and I think they are cute, since I'm not the type who wears heels. Hopefully they will fit-here's a pic!

I should be sleeping

I don't even have the excuse of being at the boyfriend's place right now. I'm simply awake too late, which is the case 99% of the time. I should at least be reading. Although blogging is more productive than playing my game. And something that should be done since it has been over a week. But I told myself I'd do a little reading tonight. You see, I've had the last Harry Potter book since the day it came out, however long ago that was. Quite some time ago. But I haven't read it. I've diligently read all the others, but not the last one. When I was back in Idaho for Christmas my sister received the movie for the next to the last one as a Christmas gift. We watched the movie one evening while I was there. I hadn't seen it yet. I have read that book, only once and I don't remember it very well. I felt as though a lot of stuff was left out, even though I don't remember a lot from the book. I did like the movie though. Anyway, it made me want to come back and read the last book. And then read the one before it again. Will I actually do so? Hopefully. I'm such a slacker when it comes to reading anymore. I really need to stop being that way. Even if I can't bring myself to read some of the educational sociology stuff that I really do find interesting, some engaging fiction is better than nothing. So we'll see, hopefully I will start it tomorrow. Because I really should sleep after writing this...

Christmas was pretty good. It's always nice to be back in Idaho, although I have one major complaint that I do feel bad about. It's smoke. My mom's a smoker (and yes, I did smoke for a year) and I could hardly stand it while I was there. It wasn't because she smelled like smoke or anything like that. It's because she smokes in the house. And it's not a large house. So I felt like there was constantly smoke in the air while I was there. I grew up with it my whole life and didn't notice it, which is funny. Now it's totally obvious to me. When I went back in the summer I noticed it but not as much. I guess in the summer the windows are open and that sort of thing, though. I don't really feel as though I can throw a fit and tell her to go outside or something. It's her home and she does a lot for me. But man it started getting to me. The day I left my sinuses started bugging me and I was attributing it to that. But then by the time I got back to W. Washington and was picked up by the boyfriend it was turning into a cold. So now I'm sick. Merry Christmas and happy New Year, heh. Second time I've been sick this year, and I rarely get sick once a winter. What's going on?

I need to feel better soon so I can do a little shopping. I'm getting fatter, which needs to stop, but I'll go into that on another blog. But I received some money for Christmas and I really need to go get some new jeans, undies, and shoes. My only pair of comfy semi-dress shoes have the sole falling off! Any suggestions for a place with comfy plus size undies and comfy shoes that are wide-width? NOT heels. Ok, it's really time to go...

What Can I Say?

Right now I don't have anything I want to blog about. I'm just at work and I'm REALLY BORED. I'm done with everything that needs to be done. As a result, I've decided to take all of tomorrow off instead of part of it. I WANT TO LEAVE. But there is one responsibility I have that involves emails that come through at random times so I'm not leaving yet. And besides, I really should stay as long as possible to get hours and use less of my dwindling vacation time. I mean, I could go into something serious I guess...things I've thought about going into just to get them out. I did post a serious blog or two on here about stuff that happened when I was younger. And I guess Christmas reminds me of those times, which is unfortunate, because shouldn't someone just enjoy Christmas? And it's not that I dislike the holiday. But I feel as though I never got to enjoy it the way a child should...
And of course it relates back to my father. The morning of Christmas Eve was always filled with nervous anticipation because of him. Christmas Eve was a tradition of going to my grandma and grandpa's (Mom's mom and stepdad) for dinner and present-opening. My father always 'hated" going and used the excuse "they didn't like him" and blah blah blah. In front of his little kid, me, mind you. And so he would put off getting ready, take way too long in the bathroom, etc, and we would always be at least two hours late. Two hours late! And that was after a huge struggle to even get there. And then the grandparents and the rest of my mom's family were always completely nice to him. I do always remember getting tons of presents from my grandparents, which was awesome. :) *sigh* But it was awful getting there, and I was always afraid this one relative would piss him off once we got there. Most of the relatives catered to my dad's asshole personality, but not all. Then of course after we left in the evenings, we never went home immediately. My father was a regular pot smoker and probably still is, and my mother actually was too until I was around five. He'd end up taking us to some friends place and I'd be up with them all night and not get to sleep until some awful hour. So then I wouldn't wake up until noon or something to have "Christmas morning". Isn't a kid supposed to pop out of bed at 6am and not be able to stand it anymore? And I don't think he was there for me opening my presents; that part I'm not sure of though...
And then Christmas Day...my other grandparents' house is where we'd go (his parents). The place would generally be crowded...he has four sisters and a brother...I have a lot of cousins on that side. That day would be filled with nervous anticipation as well because someone would ALWAYS get in a fight. Be it a pair of his sisters, or my father and my grandpa, it was always someone. So that always made Christmas merry, believe me. And it was a small house in a cold area so there certainly wasn't anywhere to escape to. At this point I don't remember at all what anyone fought about...stupid petty things I'm sure. I just remember feeling upset and nervous. I honestly don't think I cried though, although knowing the person I am today I'm surprised I didn't. I generally cry when upset...maybe that has developed with age. I think crying would've made it worse and I knew that, but I really don't remember. It's strange I don't remember many of the details but just how I felt in general...did I forget them on purpose or were they trivial? I do have a bad memory...or maybe I was just too young...

One of my favorite blogs to read...

...has now become private and I miss reading it already! I know I have never met this person but I love reading her blogs and find her to be very funny and entertaining. If you happen to read my mediocre blog, I want to let you know I miss yours! :) I'm pretty sure you'll know who you are...

Almost Christmas...

I get to go back to my stompin' grounds for Christmas...aka northern Idaho. The land of mountains, trees, and very little traffic. Don't get me wrong, western Washington certainly has some mountains and trees but it is not lacking in traffic. But anyway, I fly out on Wednesday afternoon and I don't come back until Sunday afternoon. I'm looking forward to some time back with the family. I haven't seen any of them since July. I've lived here for over a year and a half and they still have never came to visit me! My friend Rachel's parents come to visit a lot. They're in a different situation I guess...it's just her mom and dad left at home and only her dad works, whereas my mom and stepdad both work and I have a fifteen year old sister still at home. But I believe the lack of desire for being in a city plays a big role. My mom cringes at the thought of driving around in the Seattle area and has no desire to spend time in cities, except perhaps Vegas. :) They'd all have to fly, which would be spendy...and ride with me, which would be stressful. I'm excited to go back, I hope it goes a little better than last year. I had a lot of people annoyed at me because I had started smoking last year and so I was smoking while I was home. A little drama ensued, nothing too major but it put a damper on my mood on Christmas Eve. I quit last January so hopefully nothing will do that this time around. Well, of course there are always things that can put a damper on your mood...I have a feeling it is going to be the last Christmas I will see one of my grandparents. She is actually my step-grandmother, but she's been married to my grandpa (mom's father) since before I was born. Anyway, she's had bad luck with health for a long time, but I guess this time it started with lung cancer and has progressed into other things. I'm not even sure what all at this point. My mom told me but I honestly can't remember, horrible as that sounds. I just know it wasn't good. But we'll see. I hope for the most part it will be a good trip home. There is always a lot of running around involved for my family on Christmas Eve and Christmas. No staying home either day, which makes time fly even more. Time flies regardless, unless I'm waiting for a microwave. Or a lot of the time at work...

My Addiction-Part 2

So I think I need to start taking some nights off from the game. Right now I'm doing my best to convince myself to not play at all this evening, or just do a little bit. I'm not saying I play the whole night every night, but it's often a good chunk of it. I'm sitting here at work telling myself to read a book, watch a movie, clean my room, GET SOME SLEEP, for crying out loud. I'm not going to the boyfriend's so this would be a great night to get some sleep! But I get to be done with work early (yippee holiday luncheon) so after I go yell (ok, I'm not much of a yeller) at Verizon about my one month old phone being awful (a whole other story) and pick up my mail I will have the rest of the day free. How can I spend all day in front of a computer and then do the same at home? I will definitely need glasses in the in the next couple years. I really should read or something. But with the lack of sleep I got I will probably just go to sleep. And if I go to sleep in the afternoon then I will be up all night and...the night owl schedule for the girl who works during the day. Sometimes I think I miss things at work because I'm tired. I should try a week of getting enough sleep, see how I feel. Ha, that'll happen! My blogs are so random...off to get luncheon food!

Sentimental Songs

Songs about the past and looking back on memories tend to bring tears to my eyes the first few times I hear them. If you can believe it, the song "I Go Back" by Kenny Chesney made me cry the first few times I heard it. And it's not meant to be sad. Why is it songs that look back on the past make me tear up, or even completely cry sometimes? I really can't tell you. I had some good times back in high school and college, but I don't want to go back and re-live them by any means. Who wants to go through the cattiness of dealing with female teenage friends again? But I don't know, I think part of me is always going to wish things had been different in my childhood and somethings had been different in my teenage years as well. So maybe that's why. But I'm not sure. I truly don't understand exactly what it is and I don't know that I'm the person that will figure it out. LOL, maybe I'm just a wimp! Anyway, here's a song I heard for the first time yesterday, brought tears to my eyes and down my face, the whole routine. Oh, the lyrics anyway. The song, if you feel like listening, is on Daughtry's website...

September by Daughtry

How the time passed away
All the trouble that we gave
And all those day we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste?
All the promises we made
One by one they vanished just the same

All the things I still remember
Summers never looked the same
Years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September
We still played out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear
There's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long
That summer's moving on
Reach for something that's already gone

All the things I still remember
Summers never look the same
Years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September
We still played out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Yeah, We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would up here the way we are
We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

All the things I still remember
Summers never look the same
Years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September
We still played out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Quit Your Bitching

As you can tell by reading this, I bitch a lot. About myself, others, and life in general. But I try to do it quietly and/or in a place it won't affect others. Well, there are some women I work near who are constantly bitching. And they are much too loud for my taste. But anytime anyone is too loud for them the one will go "shh!" All the coworkers who sit right next to me wear headphones, if that's any indication of how loud it can get. Well today I got to work late, which happens more often than it should lately, but anyway...I have a city due tomorrow, and when contracts expire for the city and the city didn't cancel them you have to extend them before the previous day's cities bill or the contracts are gone and you have to duplicate them all. Therefore when there are only one or two we usually wait to turn them in till early afternoon even if they are done to make sure everyone has the stuff for the next day done. I got here at 10am, and it was the first thing I was going to do today when I got here. Granted, I planned on getting here by eight, but still. The minute I started to put contract numbers in it wouldn't let me extend them. Those in charge had already turned the only one due today over to be processed. They are supposed to go around and ask before they do so, to make sure everyone has the stuff done for the next day. And unless it gets late and someone is really slacking, they're supposed to wait a bit if someone needs the time. Well, the main boss found out what happened and emailed to tell them to make sure to check from now on. Well, quiet duo that they are (sarcasm), I heard them start bitching immediately about how people should have their stuff done and if not to let them know and blah blah blah. I think I even heard my name, which is really dumb considering how close I sit. How can they (mainly one of them) not realize how loud they are? The other one said well if I have such and such city done I can't believe others don't have theirs done and blah blah blah. Well, I guess I see her point there because all I hear is SOCIALIZING from over there all the time so it is pretty amazing. Ok, back to work. Grrr.

My Addiction

Some people think only men are addicted to it. I used to think that. Well, I knew in my mind it couldn't ONLY be men, because that's just not possible. Plus I then found out my best friend was once addicted to it. She still dabbles, but doesn't have the time like she used to. I know someone at work who is addicted. She has been for a few years though. Like my boyfriend. I didn't get addicted until I met him. I just watched him at first, thinking "why am I getting involved with someone addicted to this?" Then after a couple weeks he wanted me to try. And try I did. I knew nothing at first. There is still a LOT I don't know. Ok, so what is this addiction? It is called World of Warcraft.

Some of you are probably going "huh?" and others may be groaning. Maybe there's someone out there reading this who actually likes it. I don't think that many people read my blog though. :) I would have been with the groaners up until meeting the boyfriend. In fact, when I found out he was into the game after meeting him, I wanted to groan. The guy I dated off and on for years was into the game during our last "on" phase, and he used to leave me on the weekend to go play it with his friends. Boy, I grew to hate that game. In fact, he left a comment on facebook when I said something about enjoying playing the game, about how I used to hate it. I said hey, bucko, you never invited me to try it. Well, not in so many words, but you get the point. I'm not going to go into what the game is and why I like it for those of you who know nothing about it. It will take too long and you'll hate me because I'm not that good at getting my point across. If you want to know anymore about it, go to www.worldofwarcraft.com. And no, I'm not trying to promote playing it. I have to say I probably would've gotten frustrated and quit if the boyfriend hadn't been helping me at the beginning. He's one big teddy bear :) of knowledge and I still ask him questions. I'd probably blog a lot more if it wasn't for my addiction. Ahh...World of Warcraft and diet Coke...I'll be content.

I'm still out here...

Alive and kicking. No time to blog right now, I've got work that's due today and who knows if I will get it done on time. I'm doing my best, but it's the price you pay for a long weekend. Anyway, did anyone else think that long weekend went way too fast? I haven't had a chance to blog lately because of a horrible addiction I have. It's not illegal, I promise. More later!

Reasonable vs. Unreasonable??

So I got upset at the boyfriend last night. He does this thing every once in a while and it really bothers me. Ok, here's what happened. I stayed home from work yesterday, and ended up sleeping till 4:30 in the afternoon. My intention was to go in late rather than not go in at all but I just couldn't get out of bed. I had actually gone to sleep really early the evening before so all in all I got about 21 hours of sleep. But I have a lot of paperwork to do for my city that is due Friday so I sent a text to the boyfriend and asked him if I could go over and use his table to write up some stuff, since I don't have one at my place. He works evenings, 2:30pm-10:30pm if I hadn't gotten that across before. He said sure so I got my stuff together and went over. I figured I would be spending the night so I got some PJ's and some clothes to wear to work today. Well, a couple hours later I got a text saying he wanted to kick me out before he got home because he had work to do and I'd be too much of a distraction. God it pisses me off when he does that. It has happened once or twice before. I made a remark back, then I just told him I'd be out by ten. Often I have things I'd like to tell him about, discuss our days, etc, and he'll do something like that. I guess it hurts my feelings slightly as well, because I can't believe I'm that demanding when I'm around him. I've listened and seen the way some other women talk to their significant others and I KNOW I'm not that demanding. Another large part of what bothers me is that we have talked seriously about living together when his lease is up in March, and he's not going to be able to have "nights off" from me when that happens.

So anyway after working for about an hour I went home, and slacked at home like I always do. We ended up talking on a messenger through the video game we both play (yes, we're nerds) and discussing some stuff. He told me he did want to see me but I am pretty demanding when we're together, and although he loves it he needed to get things done. I told him I'm really not that demanding, he needs to think about the times when I fade into the background when his friends are around and do my own thing and pretty much let him be. I told him if he'd just let me be there on those nights he had other things to do I could be the same way. I also told him that maybe it was HIM who had the problem when I was around, wanting to be with me instead of work, not because I demanded it. I hate that word. DEMANDING. Toward the beginning of the conversation he said something about if we live together we should get a two bedroom place so the second room could be his "den." I basically said I didn't like that idea. The second room can be for both of our computers/work stuff, and we can feel free to shut one another out if the other needs to get something done. He said he knew that was a better idea and he was selfish about this stuff a lot, the 'alone' time and stuff. He actually said something about a fear of commitment last night, which I didn't realize he had and it scared me a little. But I think it was moreso a fear of moving in together and no longer having the personal space. If he's not ready, he's not ready. We have a few months. Sorry, this is a bunch of rambling about my relationship. But is it unreasonable for me to get upset about this stuff? I know he cares and he's a good guy but I think it's like my mom says...all men are selfish on some level.

Wordless Wednesday...took forever to find a good pic

The Dentist

All I have to say is "ouch" and I'll leave you all with that.

Okay, not really, but wow. I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in a couple years. Yes, I know I'm horrible. But after moving from Idaho to Washington I hadn't bothered to find another one. I really liked the one I had back in Idaho and I think that made me not want to look for a new one. Well, a lady at work recommended this one so I went finally today, after getting the recommendation in July...yes, I'm a slacker.

Anyway, I went in and they were really nice...somewhat fake nice, somewhat real nice. There was some of both I think. Of course of there is some of both in the coworker that recommended the place. So anyway, there was a bunch of stuff that happened but the part I want to tell you all about is the pain. Yes, pain. The hygienist did what is called "periodontal charting" I believe, and it hurt like hell. Now, I don't know if it hurt like hell because my gums are unbelievably bad or because she presses harder than the average person, but I was literally starting to twitch in my chair. It seems like I have gotten this done before and it wasn't as bad, but maybe not. I don't know. Anyway, in the end apparently not only did I get to be poked and prodded painfully, but it was concluded I have periodontal disease and need a deep cleaning and a few other things. The fact that I'm type 2 diabetic made it easier for me to get this bone loss and have gum problems, but I really should have been taking care of my teeth. Maybe this exam wouldn't have made me want to punch people?

When I was a kid, I was scared to death of the dentist. I'm not sure why, but I was. A lot of kids are I guess. One time I think I was given a mild tranquilizer before going. When I got into my teenage years, I started going to my old dentist and their philosophy was "no pain" and I really liked that place. I got over my phobia of the dentist. But maybe my little kid self saw the exam I had yesterday in my future or something! Anyway, my mom has had a "deep cleaning" at the other dentist before and she said they numbed it beforehand. I wonder if this place will? Or should I keep a flask of whiskey in my purse? No, wait, vodka. Much harder to smell. Eek!

Wordless Wednesday? (I'm trying it)

My Birthday

Tomorrow is the big 28. It has been 10 years since the big 18, and only two years from the big 30. Crazy stuff. I don't really like having a birthday. If I remember correctly, I was only told happy birthday by a couple people last year, even though a lot more who were directly in my life should have known it was my birthday and at least called or sent a text. Strangely enough, I rarely talk to these people anymore. I wonder if I'll hear anything tomorrow? :)

Enough birthday bitterness--well, one last thing. It's on a TUESDAY this year. What a lame day. But I guess anything other than Friday, Saturday, and maybe Sunday is pretty blah. Ok, back to good birthday things. The boyfriend, his sister and brother in law took me to dinner on Friday at the Cheesecake Factory for the big 28. The boyfriend asked me on Thursday if I wanted my present on Friday night or if I wanted to wait until my actual birthday on Tuesday to get it. I told him it didn't matter, it was up to him. I wasn't incredibly curious yet. He said his sister really wanted to see the look on my face when I got it. Then he started giving me all these hints, which made me extremely curious and so I told him he had to give it to me Friday night. Can you guess what it was from these hints?
1) It's smaller than a breadbox
2)It's mostly one color, but the other color will stand out more
3)The size can be changed
4)It "marks" me in a way (this is when I asked him if he got me markers or something)

Eh, there may have been other clues, but I can't remember. It ended up being a garnet necklace made of white gold. Totally sweet of him. I could tell how eager he was for me to get it and how much he wanted me to like it. :) I definitely like it. Although a couple others had me wondering if it could be some kind of engagement ring or something. *gulp* I really knew he was too practical to do that but a couple things he said made me wonder. We'd definitely need more time and discussion before he'd do something like that. His sister and bro-in-law got me a movie and a bunch of homemade cookies. I only shared a couple with the boyfriend. Yes, I'm stingy about my sweets and the gut shows it. So I won't be getting much of anything on the actual day, which is fine. I already got the present from my mom as well- a new cell phone! :)

This Saturday we will be celebrating two more birthdays, two of his friends are born in November as well. One is born on my birthday. It almost bugs me. :) I'd like to have my birthday all to myself where my boyfriend is concerned, not have one of his best friends born on that day as well. But this friend is a nice guy so I'm ok with it. Listen to me, I sound like a spoiled brat. But since when was November such a popular month for babies to be born? People need to stop having so much fun around Valentine's Day!

Burning Nose

I've heard if your nose itches, company is coming. Or that you're going to kiss a fool. There's another one too, but I've forgotten it. I think it means you're going to sneeze (duh). Aren't I creative? Anyway, what causes your nose to CONSTANTLY BURN? Because that is what mine has been doing since I got up this morning. Well, since I sneezed five minutes after I awoke this morning. All in all I'm feeling better but I woke up with a nose that won't quit burning on the inside. It's not intolerable...not even making my eyes water. And no, nose, that's not an invitation to make it worse. But it's constant and annoying and I want it to stop. I've been taking drinks of hot teas and waiting for them to make my nose start burning to see if after I swallow the nose will stop. It doesn't. How would an ice cube up the nose feel? *cringe* I'm not to that point yet. Although I swear my nose started burning more after I wrote that. Just as long as I'm getting better at all that's good. I don't want to be sneezing all over the place at the Cheesecake Factory when I go to dinner for my birthday tomorrow. Wish me (and my nose) luck on no more itching, watering and burning. I guess worse parts of me could be itching, watering and burning...that's food for thought.

Totally Depressing

So I was sitting here reading others' blogs and thinking of writing one of my own, and I had the TV on for background noise. "The Office" is on, which is a show I've never really watched but it just happened to come on the channel. For some reason, a horribly depressing song came on during the show, which is usually funny I guess. It's a song I have and used to listen to often, because I'm a queen of depressing music and love to torture myself with it when I'm upset, and still like to listen to it when I'm in a decent mood. However, I haven't listened to this one in quite a while. It made me jump when I heard it. That makes me think the last time I listened to it on a regular basis was probably when a guy I had in my life off and on for a long time left last September. Or else I just thought my computer started playing it on its own! Anyway, I've included the sad lyrics. *sigh* It's by James Blunt, by the way.

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

It's November

The time changed so it will be dark even earlier. Yippee. (insert sarcasm) My birthday is next week, I will be 28 ,yay! (insert more sarcasm) I am sick right now, hopefully I will be somewhat over it by Friday because I guess the boyfriend, his sis and bro-in-law are taking me to dinner for my birthday. That's pretty cool. (not really sarcasm) I got sick because of all the people at work sick-don't come to work sick darn it. Oh, wait, I'm at work sick. I guess I'll just go home. Oh crap, I just got an email from a city and I'm probably going to get in more trouble. My Mondays are not going well lately. Fits gonna hit the shan.

I think I finally figured out...

How to make the comments work! Yippee. Not that I get a lot of comments...but the ones I get are good! :)

The Toilet Runneth Over

Yes, you read that correctly. My toilet overflowed last night. Not once, but twice. *sigh* It was not a good way to end my work day on a Monday. Well, on any day for that matter. I've never had that happen to me before. The first time I just looked at it in horror and had no idea what to do. It was only water, but it was A LOT of water. I only have two towels so I immediately got them but they were nowhere near enough to take care of the mess. All I could think is "I want my Mommy" or "my Grandpa would know what to do!" Yes, it was traumatic.

Right after that the lady I live with (it is really her place, I just pay rent to live there) got home and I told her what was happening. Luckily she owns a ton of towels and gave them to me to use. After using about ten(!) it was reasonably cleaned up. She told me to try plunging and flushing again. Well, guess what? It started overflowing again. I held the plug down inside the tank so it didn't overflow as much but it still did a good amount. This time I used a fleece blanket, of all things, to do cleanup because I was running out of options. I told her it didn't work and I would pay for a plumber or something because I was not trying it again. She said she hated for me to have to do that because it was expensive but she had a number. Then she said she would do it because it's her place and it's not my fault it happened. I said I'd at least pay half because it's at least somewhat my fault. A few minutes later she said after she ate and went to the store she'd give it a go before resorting to a plumber. I said that was fine and I was going to go to the boyfriend's house to wash the towels. I wanted to get the hell out of there before more overflow happened. Oh, and when I was cleaning up the second time, it started making gurgling noises and THEN I thought to turn off the water source...smart cookie I am.

Dragging soaking wet towels in garbage bags is not a fun task, but I was glad to go over to his place and get out of there. It took me a few hours to wash and dry all the towels, the blanket, and the bathroom rug so that wasn't part of my evening plan either. I was sitting at his place when I received a call from her. She told me she got it fixed, it just needed to be plunged one more time. I said thank you, I'm very grateful and I'm sorry about the mess. She said it was fine and I had to do the hard part anyway. Yeah, I guess so. But I'm still scared to death to flush that toilet. But at least my brain tells me to go to the water source now. Yes, I'm getting a little too detailed now. What can I say, I got a lot less sleep due to the fact that my evening didn't go exactly as planned...zzz...

As Good as it Gets

My brain is totally random most of the time. I'll be able to link the strangest things together. I don't know if I've become this way as I've gotten older or if I've always been this way. Could it be a form of ADD? I don't know. It's certainly not ADHD. I am FAR from hyperactive. Anyway, case in point. I just bought some noodle salad from the lady that comes through and sells items in the lunch room. I was hungry, it looked decent and I haven't had a salad like that in a while. Well, it got me thinking about the movie "As Good as it Gets". Why, do you ask? Because of this little area of the movie-

Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...
Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

Yes, the fact that I had some noodle salad made me think of this movie. Well, and the fact that I love this line. I think it may apply to me. I do sometimes get pissed that others had/have it better. But then something horrible will happen to someone, whether it is someone I am close to or someone I don't even know, and it usually puts me in check and I'll quit it for a while. I think one of my issues isn't that my life doesn't have any "pretty stories"...it's that I'm just so much better at focusing on the other ones. And some of the nice ones I don't even remember. Hmm...there is more to this, but I really should work. To be continued...

My Old Job...

The one I've been done with for nearly four months already...well, I'm being a nice person and helping the people that do that job out today. But man, I don't necessarily feel like being a nice person right now. I'm TIRED. I'm tired a lot lately, and it's not just because of staying up until all hours to see the boyfriend. I haven't stayed there the last couple of nights and I'm still tired. Is it because work leaves me uninspired? Wow, I can rhyme. Part of it could be the days that keep getting shorter and shorter, which will continue for two more months. Ugh. I don't know. I'm not always in a bad mood. Just when I blog. Ha. I'm really in a better place right now than I was for all of 2008 and part of 2009. During that time I was unemployed, smoked, dated a jerk or two, had a one-night stand or two, lived with disgusting roommates, and had some friendships tested (some of which failed). Why on earth do I still have this discontent feeling inside me surfacing from time to time? It honestly happens most often when work is involved, I think. Which is why I feel as though something inside me is telling me that I need to figure out what I WANT to do. Because I really don't mind where I work. And the job isn't bad, for the most part. When I have a day that it seems as though I've done a lot of stuff wrong it grates on me, but I live with it. But I've worked in much worse jobs, with much worse people and bosses. Hmm...or maybe I miss my family. It would be nice to have them a bit closer to see every once in a while. Ok, enough analyzing. I guess I do use my psychology degree...on myself!

Sick sick SICK!

So I'm barely posting anymore but...apparently swine is getting closer to home now. At work, at least two people have kids who have it. And a third person has a child who might have it. And I think that person was just here WITH HER CHILD. I'm not sure if the kid was here too or not, I sit not too far from her and I didn't hear him. But if so, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BRING HIM IN HERE? Okay, I need to get back to work. Especially if I decide to become a swine and can't get anything done. :P

The "Cool" Crowd

In high school I wasn't in it...and it looks as though nearly ten years later I'm still not "quite" good enough. Why do I slightly care? I'm not sure...

Revealing Some Things About Me

Someone else's blog encouraged me to write something a little deeper today. Something more than complaining about my job or talking about my boyfriend. Oh, and last night's "Grey's Anatomy" may have contributed as well. Let's see, what happened on Grey's Anatomy last night. If you don't watch the show you'll have no idea what I'm talking about but here goes. Meredith and Lexi's dad came into the hospital with a failed liver. This was due to all the alcohol he drank, although he had been sober for 90 days I guess. Anyway, he actually was a dad to Lexi growing up so she immediately got tested to see if she could donate part of her liver to him. She wasn't a match. Meredith barely knew him growing up. He had never been a father to her. She had no intention of even checking if she could donate to him. But Lexi pleaded with her and she was a match and she did it. Yes, it's just a TV show. But of course it got me thinking...

My father is a jackass. Plain and simple. I haven't talked to him in over 10 years and I don't plan to any time soon. I've only talked to him once or twice since my mom left him in 1997. I was a freshman in high school. I put up with him for the first 15 years of my life. And there's no way I can imagine donating part of my liver to save his life. And knowing the way things go, I'd probably be a match. That's just the way it is. But I wouldn't even get tested.

One thing I do like about living in the area I live in now is I know I'm not going to see him when I'm out and about somewhere. Living in my hometown there was always a chance. Granted, he was such a recluse and rarely came out unless it was to go to the bar at night so it wasn't that like even back home, but there was always that possibility. But why, you ask, did was I so scared at the thought of running into him? Even I don't really know...

You see, growing up I knew my father had a temper. That much was obvious. And you could tell by the look on his face and the evil gleam in his eyes when he was mad. The thing is, he never hit me. I don't recall him ever even yelling at me. This is why I'm not quite sure why I get a horrible feeling in my stomach at the thought of running into him, or hearing his voice on the phone. My mom was the one he hit. I didn't even witness that very often, although I was not a dumb child and knew what was going on. I'd wake up to tables turned upside down and holes punched in walls. Finally the glass was broke so many times in our coffee table we put plywood (sp?) in it. *sigh* I think the worst part I remember...well, since I didn't really witness the abuse to my mom. The worst part I remember was the abuse to our dog. We had one dog until I was in middle school or late elementary school or something. I'm not sure, I really don't remember timelines all that well. Anyway, he was incredibly abusive to her. God, it's pissing me off just thinking about it. She'd just be laying in her bed, minding her own business and he'd walk up to her and start kicking her and moving his foot around on her roughly. And that wasn't all. But I can't write about it anymore right now. How's this for a nice Friday blog? I need a shrink.

So it's October...

And the daylight hours are definitely getting shorter. My least favorite part about fall and winter. Icy roads rank pretty high up there too. But anyway, I didn't really see any of the daylight hours today. I slept and slept and slept. The boyfriend woke me up before he left for work at one in the afternoon and told me I should get up, he didn't want me to waste my whole day. Well...I went back to sleep after he went to work and woke up around seven in the evening. Horrible! I sleep so much on the weekends, and I really do think part of it is due to not sleeping enough during the week. I've read before that the body cannot "catch up" on sleep, and basically it's a night to night thing, but I think that's BS. Or my body does anyway. But then the pills for the seizures factor in. One of them has a side effect of making me drowsy, and I am on a high dosage of that one. And seizures also make me tired, and well...Saturday evening, when I was going to be ambitious and make cookies, I felt like I was going to have one and so I immediately went to sleep. I'm not sure if I had one or not. I haven't in quite a while, and I usually go to sleep immediately after having one if I can, but I also try to lay down or sleep if I feel like I'm going to have one as well. Of course this isn't always possible. I've been bad about taking my pills lately, and have been missing some as well. I was never this way until I moved to this area and got on a bad sleeping schedule. Even in college I didn't tend to miss my pills...not that I even had pills that worked in college. Often I'll be so tired I fall asleep at an odd time without taking them, and by the time I wake up again it's too late for that dosage. Etc, etc... There are a few things I'd like to change about myself...my weight, the fact that I can grow a beard like a man (no, I'm not exaggerating), feeling depressed...but I know if I had to pick one, as much as I'd like to pick the weight, I'd pick the seizures. I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life, especially when they truly don't always work, because my body always has to be difficult. At least I found a doctor in Spokane after having them for years that helped me. I don't have a lot of faith in doctors after that. I've had three that lost their licenses. Not due to me, by the way. Although one I could have helped with...I won't go into that.

Yes, that was some whining by yours truly. I don't write a lot of uplifting blogs, do I? Well, I hope this week is better than last week. I started last week in a discontent mood due to a little conflict with the boyfriend, then that got better about halfway through, then work got worse, lol. I'm planning on going in early to get everything done that got neglected last week, but it's going to happen on no sleep since I slept the whole day away. *sigh* I better get up though! I will be in deep doo-doo. But the boyfriend did get me some pretty sunflowers last Thurs night when he came home from work...that made me smile. And this week we've been together six months. Wow. This Saturday we're going to a play downtown. On the advice of his sister I got him tickets for his birthday. We've talked about going to something before and it sounded interesting. I hope it's not a flop! Oh well, we can just kiss the whole time. Just kidding! We're not that way in public...and we're not in the back row. lol.

Okay, it's time to maybe try to sleep. We'll see. Another blog of random thoughts...I guess that's one of the ideas I had for the blog.

Have I Ever Mentioned Two of My Favorite Things?

Long walks....and short piers.

LOUD!

Do people not realize how loud they are being when they are on personal calls? I don't get as many personal calls as some others do around here, but when I do have them, am I that loud? I can hear someone's phone conversation in the lunch room perfectly right now. Granted, I can hear a lot of conversations in the lunch room perfectly, but is it really required to talk at top volume on the phone in the area for everyone? And my supervisor, I can always hear every word of her conversations. Just a mini-rant. Plently more on my mind, but I have other people's work to do...ha. Well, it is technically someone else's, but I'm helping, not doing all of it. And I better get some help when the time comes for my markets to get a makeover!

A Conclusion I've Reached

Most of the subjects of my posts have to do with wanting to leave work, or dreading going to work. Pretty sad huh? I really don't hate my job. I've had a job or two I hated and this isn't one of them. But I don't love my job. I think very few people do though. I wish I had a job I loved. But I don't even know what I'd love to do. So there's a predicament right there. I think most of us get burnt out though. I read an article on Yahoo a while back that said people in the US, on average, work more than most other countries...well, industrialized ones anyway. We even work more than the Japanese, who are often seen as work-aholics. Could this contribute to why so many of us would rather go sit on the couch and watch TV at night instead of go for walks? We are worn out and feeling lazy from working so much? If we had to work less, would we want to be physically active more? Who knows? Maybe I should've went to grad school for sociology...this is something we might research.

Well crap, I better go. Looks like I might have messed something up in billing. Just received an email from a city. Repeat to self "I like my job, I like my job."

It's Sunday...

...which means tomorrow is Monday. And I don't like Mondays!!!!! I vote we start having two day work weeks and five day weekends. For the same pay, though, ha. Actually, for more money...

First thing this morning

I get to work and I have a message from one of the bosses in the office telling me to "kill and reset" something. There was some various verbiage in the email that was supposed to be some sort of explanation, I suppose, but it's gibberish to me. I don't like getting a message telling me something to do that I don't know how, especially when there is no one here to ask about it. BLAH. And I'm SOOOO tired. Should've grabbed some five hour energy!

I need to go...get me out of this office

...I need to buy a birthday card. The boyfriend's birthday isn't until Saturday but I am ready to go hunting for a card. I want a heartfelt, sweet card. I'm normally the girl who always buys a humourous card, even for family. But for the boyfriend, even though we make each other laugh like crazy, I want the card to convey how much he means to me. But not be too overbearing. So I think I may be in a card shop for a while. And I need to pick up the mail. I ordered the boyfriend's present on Thursday and I hope it gets here before Saturday! We've talked about going to some kind of play together since we met, so I bought him tickets to a show for his birthday. Well, a ticket for him and a ticket for me. :) And I'm going to give him a picture frame with three slots, and each one will have a picture of him and I in it. I'm going a little too romantic overboard, maybe? I don't know. He likes it when I tell him how much he means to me. But maybe a card that is more simple but has a few words written by me in it would be better. Ah, who knows? Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow to go look. I would like to check the post office tonight for the tickets though. It will make me really sad if they don't get here on time. But they are coming from downtown Seattle, you would think that wouldn't be too difficult. *sigh* I think it's time to go home. Oh wait, I got here late...I really shouldn't leave for 45 minutes...but I don't want to get started on something else. Maybe if I sneak out...shhh... :)

Friday Friday Friday!

And OF COURSE I don't want to be at work. I NEVER want to be at work on Friday anymore. I think I've reiterated that in this blog multiple times. Of course it doesn't help when I don't have anything due till next Friday so why would I want to work today when I have all of next week to do so? Help me out here, give me some motivation.

Last weekend was a long weekend because my friend Mike was in town and I hung out with him and went to a wedding with him as his date. Truthfully, I wasn't really needed at the wedding as his date but it was a nice wedding and reception so I'm not complaining. Oh, and I caught the bouquet. *gulp* LOL, I don't really believe in that stuff. Mike only ended up staying with me two nights, not on Friday because he had to be to the wedding early so I stayed with the boyfriend that night. I was happy because I thought we'd have to go much longer without seeing each other. Pathetic, I know. Well something about me staying with Mike and still coming back to the boyfriend made him really happy and put him a...rambunctious mood? Hehe. Threw me down, used his mouth...um, anyway, needless to say I was pretty tired and was almost late for the wedding on Saturday.

Enough about that...I'm getting a little too risque. This weekend should be rather uneventful but I think I need that. I was on the go too much last weekend and therefore I have been tired pretty much all week. And I decided something last weekend too...I don't think Mike and I are ever meant to be friends like we used to be. We have so much history together, more than I could ever go into on here right now. But he was only here for a few days and I was getting so annoyed with him by the time he left. We used to spend all our time together and it was fine. But before he moved a couple years ago I had reached the point that I was just ready for him to go because I was constantly annoyed at him. You would think I could be around him for a few days without feeling that way but it doesn't seem to be the case. We used to fight like a married couple, so is it like we got a divorce and now we're like a divorced couple trying to be friends? It works as long as we talk on the phone sometimes and that kind of thing, but constant contact for a few days doesn't. At least for me. I may write more later about the things that were bothering me, but I should get back to work. Why can't it be six hours from now?

Yada Yada Blah Blah

Here I am, at work, not working. Oops. I've honestly been working all morning, and I'm much more diligent at this job (so far) than I was at my other one. Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone in my old department that. Toward the end I got so bored I was falling asleep. The lack of sleep I was getting didn't help, I'm sure. And of course I still get a lack of sleep plenty of nights but I've only caught my eyes closing once or twice since I've been over here and it has been a couple months. I think this one will stress me out at times and knowing a deadline is definitely a deadline will cause my brain to say "hey, you can't be tired." It's good for me I think. In the other department things needed to get done but OT was against the rules and therefore only so much could get done. Probably why it was easier to fall asleep when I was tired. Speaking of being tired...

The boyfriend kind of pissed me off on Monday. Yesterday certainly didn't help. We went to his sister's house to cat-sit for the weekend. I had a long weekend, he didn't, so I was there Sunday and Monday by myself. His sis and bro-in-law have three cats and two kittens, which I knew. I was actually excited to go there, because even though it is in the area I liked the thought of getting away and being in a house. I was in the house from Friday night until we left late Monday...well, early Tuesday morning. I didn't bring my car because the place is really hard to find and I wouldn't have wanted to leave anyway. He got home from work and we needed to clean up so I could get home and salvage a little sleep before coming to work yesterday. I was napping when he got there...only half-asleep really, and he fell asleep in the chair. Now, I understand he had been working all day so he was tired, but the minute he fell asleep I couldn't sleep anymore because I didn't want both of us to sleep all night and then I'd be screwed in the morning when I had to go to work. So I got up and started cleaning and getting ready to leave and he got up a bit later. The moment he pissed me off: There was a paper bowl with ice cream residue in it, and he asked "are you the one you has been eating ice cream out of paper bowls?" I said yes, and he said "quit that, it's wasteful. They could be used for a picnic or something." I looked at him and said "I'm 27 years old, I think I can decide what I want to eat ice cream out of." He looked at me and said "are they your bowls?" A couple random comments were said back and forth and I walked upstairs, and I was mad. I felt like he was treating me like a little kid. For the rest of the night he would be sweet and hug me and tell me thank you for helping, then say something that would hit me the wrong way. I think the combination of the bowl comment, being hungry, and being cooped up all weekend put me in a mood I get in sometimes, where I take everything offensively. On the way home we stopped to get food, and I told him what had ticked me off and he apologized and said that it was something that his parents had always lectured him about and it just came out for some reason. He said he becomes very business-like and straight-forward at work and often a coworker who is older than him calls him "dad" and he must have still been in that mode. I said it was okay and let it drop...but I have a hard time letting go of things that bug me, so it was still in my head somewhat.

Yesterday I heard nothing from him for a long time. And if I hadn't texted him I never would have heard anything. I sent two messages during the day, one saying have a good day and one telling him I hoped he had time to get enough sleep and some down time, since he said he needed both. Didn't hear anything. I fell asleep around 6pm, woke up at 12:30am. No text messages. His hours make it so he's always up at 12:30am so I sent one, saying I hoped everything is okay since I hadn't heard anything. I got something about 20 minutes later, saying he was fine, just completely wiped out. So, let me understand this. You're so tired that you can't send a text message? Do you know how many days a week I operate on hardly any sleep? And I certainly can type a text message. I didn't say any of that though. I don't really remember what I said. Nothing mean. Probably just feel better or something. *sigh* He really is a nice guy. I am just unbelievably frustrated right now. My mom says my stepdad is a brat about being tired, and he's a nice guy too.

So tonight my best friend from college, Mike, is coming into town from Florida. He's going to be in one of his fraternity brother's weddings. He is going to stay with me for three nights, originally wanted to stay with me tonight too but I can't take Thurs and Fri off of work and the lady I live with wouldn't want me to leave Mike at my place alone so I'll be meeting him after work tomorrow and taking Friday off. I was in love with Mike for a long time, but he's gay. lol, yeah, you read that right. I finally got over it after years, and it has been a few years since I got over it. We used to be inseparable but we went through some difficult times when I could hardly stand him anymore...kind of sick of each other I guess. We hung out like we were a couple and fought like we were married. An interesting friendship, I guess. :) Anyway, since he's staying with me he's going to be staying in my room. If I didn't have a boyfriend he'd automatically be sleeping in my bed, no second thoughts. But I have a boyfriend...and the boyfriend and I basically decided it wouldn't be appropriate and one of us would sleep on the floor. Well, I've been thinking about it and it seems kind of silly when I have a queen size bed and Mike is GAY. But at the same time I can see my boyfriend's point of view so I was going to discuss it with him tonight when we get together. But who knows if we'll get together now, since he's so TIRED? I don't want to tell Mike it's okay to sleep in my bed without discussing it with the boyfriend, but I certainly don't want to do it via text. And I am refusing to text him today unless he texts me anyway. It's the last night we'll be able to see each other for a few days since Mike's in town and he has a friend coming over because it's the only night the friend could get together. He said he still wanted to see me, but unless he gets a hold of me and asks I'm not going over.

This is certainly my longest blog and enough blabbing for now.

So I haven't written in a while...

...and I have various things on my mind at the moment. However, sleep would probably be in my best interest. Especially since it would take a while if I got into everything that I'm thinking about. So maybe I'll have time to write tomorrow evening...if I can get the cleaning of the room done first. Or maybe steal some time at work tomorrow. Ha.

Fat is Me

So I've looked at the scale a few times lately...appears I'm gaining weight. I've been surprised it has taken this long to start. I've been eating really bad for a long time and my body got back up to a certain weight once I started eating bad and kind of stayed there for quite some time. The strange thing is, I've had more than one person ask me if I've lost weight! That would normally have me questioning if the scale is messed up but clothes are fitting differently too. I sat down at my desk when I got to work this morning, and looked down to see my stomach sticking out and hitting the desk. GROSS! At that moment I thought "I've got to start doing better." About 30 seconds later I heard candy being poured in the dish behind me. What the hell? Who has it in for me? Yes, a normal person could probably hav e a few and get on with his or her life. But this is me we're talking about. Almost anything chocolate I will sample each time I walk by until it is gone. I am an overeater when it comes to sweets, and a binge eater at times as well. I love chocolate, peanut butter, ice cream, cookies, cake, etc. I've loved most food, especially sweets, since I was a kid and so I've had a weight problem since then. I wasn't born with one, I guess. I was only 5 lbs 3 oz! But I know I had one by kindergarten...sooner but I'm not sure how early. Maybe having nicotine in my system while I smoked for a year sped up my metabolism? Or going off the pill made me gain a little weight rather than lose? It doesn't really matter, it's only a measly 10 lbs. When you get to my size that's not really incredibly significant. I mean, it isn't something you want to gain but it's not like someone in the lower 100's gaining it. People I'm close to know I have a real problem with food, mostly sweets. Most people don't really understand it though. "Just have a little bit" they say. Or they tell me to pass it up. Great idea, don't get me wrong. But if I had the willpower to do that I'd probably be 100 lbs lighter right now. Oh happy day!


PS-While writing this I found a gray hair growing on my arm with all the brown ones. What the hell? I'm only 27!!!

Meh

I skipped work today. I shouldn't have, I guess. I never seem to build up enough sick time to actually use only that, so I had to use 3 hrs vacation. And I do have some stuff due this week. But I just...didn't want to be there. SO HORRIBLE, I know. I'm lucky to have a job. And my mom sends me an email every day from her work over in Idaho and gets an automatic reply when I read it, so when that doesn't happen she knows I didn't go. And usually makes me feel guilty because I can feel her disapproval. Yes, I'm 27 and my mom still knows if I miss work or not. It frustrates me that I have to feel guilty because of her. I mean, I don't HAVE to feel guilty but even when she doesn't say something I know she's judging me. I'm going to call her in a few and I know it will happen. We are very close and that's why she still knows pretty much everything about my life, but still...shouldn't this have stopped at some point? Oh well. I actually did some stuff. Read a large part of a book, and I never read anymore. Watched a movie I've been meaning to watch for a while. Ok, only a couple things. But those two things never seem to happen on the actual weekend. Enough blabbing for now. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel more like going to work..not that I will skip again. Too much to do!

From Both Sides Now

Here's a song again...I truly think the lyrics to this one are beautiful. Depressing perhaps, but beautiful. I've always loved the songs with melancholy lyrics.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Friday off?

Pretty please? No, I don't need to take the time. But you know you want to just give it to me because my work will be fairly caught up and my trainer won't be here to help answer questions. And the department lead won't be here to answer questions either. So you know you want to give me Friday off. With pay of course. I can't afford to take one without pay. But not a vacation day. Because I need to keep those. *sigh* OK, maybe I should force myself to stay late and then I could take off a little early? That might help a little. But I find it so much easier just to have all of Friday off. It is very hard for me to work a whole Friday lately. Could you please bless me and tell me to take Friday off? Oh, and who am I talking to? I'm not sure...

And I'm Awake...

It's almost 1am and here I am, awake when I have to be to work at 7am. Yes, I'm probably crazy. It's not even because I'm at the boyfriend's house or anything. It's just...because! Maybe extending the weekend as long as possible...prolonging time until the inevitable Monday morning. Of course I didn't get up until 2:30 in the afternoon today, and 3pm yesterday, so you could say I'm on a schedule of getting up late and going to bed late. I'd be much better off with an evening shift job, except I do prefer working during the day...although I'm not sure why. Better jobs tend to exist during the day? Who knows?

Yesterday consisted of me laying around the house doing absolutely nothing. I'm talking about Saturday when I say yesterday, mind you. I came home from the boyfriend's place after we both woke up, and played my video game mostly. Did various other things online, watched a bit of a movie, and finally started a book. Amazing how much time that video game took, because I didn't spend that much time doing the rest of it. Before I knew it, it was 4am. At least I got out of the house today...saw a movie with my friend, had an early dinner and just sat in the sun at the mall for a while. It was really quite a nice afternoon/early evening. I really do need to get outside more. I say this to myself a lot, so far it hasn't helped! But soon winter will be upon us and I'll have no reason to get outside. The days are already getting shorter. Yuck. I hate when it's dark all the time. The worst part about winter in my opinion.

Well, maybe I'll try to get some sleep now. I am going over to the boyfriend's place tomorrow night...it will be two whole days since I've seen him! :) We didn't spend time on Saturday because he hadn't hung out with a friend in a while, and his friend sessions tend to go till all hours. And of course he worked today. So I'll be missing him like crazy by tomorrow night. I'm still amazed I found someone like him. And grateful...very grateful.

Finances Suck

No, not a creative title. The last apartment I lived in turned into filth after my best friend moved out and her younger brother started taking it over and having his early 20's friends take it over. The carpet was totally dirty...garbage everywhere...gross dishes..and they'd smoke pot in the living room more than once a day. Well, we finally got to move out and I knew they would charge us for damages. But their parents were in town the night before and helped the brother clean the place up and said it was in decent shape so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. The mom is a clean freak. So we got the statement in the mail a month ago. They are charging us $619!!!! And that is after taking out the $250 deposit. Insane amount of money, and certainly something we can't afford to pay. I'm the only one working and I don't exactly make the big bucks, especially compared to my bills. I finally called today because I'm always the one elected to take care of things for some reason and they've turned us over to collections. I called the collections place about making payment arrangements and they said sure, how much can you pay today? I said $50 and the lady said screw you, pretty much. It HAS TO be $200 or they may turn it over to the credit bureau soon. I asked her where I was supposed to pull $200 out of, not that she cared. She kept saying "well, we can post-date it till the end of the month." Do you think I'll get an inheritance by the end of the month? Even if my jerk father died he has no money. That sounds mean, sorry. This was not a good way to start my Friday. My mom offered to loan me $200 to pay my portion and I guess I'm taking her up on it, even though she bails me out more often than I can count. This doesn't mean that the other two will pay up I suppose. I know them well enough to believe(?) they will try. I also believe HE should be the main one paying, but I'm not aggressive enough to tell him that, or start trouble with the family because I am close to them. But my credit is really good even if I do live paycheck to paycheck, and I don't want this screwing it up! GRRRR.

One quick note

It's probably an obvious point, but...it's hard to train at a new job when your trainer takes time off. Now it's time to run back and forth from my corner to find out information on things I don't know. Exercise is a good thing I suppose! Especially when the person training me brought in donuts today. *sigh* So much for ice cream after work, I've had too much other stuff.

An Evening at Home

I don't have to try to get some evening sleep. I'm not going to the boyfriend's tonight. I didn't last night either. It's strange, two nights apart. Better for my sleep schedule I suppose. But not so good for my paranoid side that won't SHUT UP! The side that says "why doesn't he want to see me tonight?" Even though he told me he has chores and odds and ends to catch up on. And a big part of me is fine with staying home, because I do like my alone time. Neither of us get as much alone time as we did before we met one another. I guess that obviously happens in a relationship. The thing is, we both value it. But I have this little voice in my head that tells me that something could be wrong when he isn't dying to see me every night. Even if I'm not necessarily dying to see him that night. I make no sense. He really is sweet to me. Randomly brings me flowers from plants that he sees..and occasionally buys them as well. Buys me dinners...I have randomly found money in my purse and I know he put it there. *sigh* I really annoy myself.

I have seizures. This may seem like a random subject change but bear with me. They started in high school and I certainly wasn't thrilled. I went to a few annoying doctors, including a complete quack, until I finally found a decent one about five years later. I'm not going into the details of that search right now. My seizures aren't what most people think of when they think of seizures. They are called 'complex partial seizures' and I basically stare off into space for 30 seconds or so, then I am extremely tired with a headache afterward. I'll generally choose to go to sleep if I'm in an environment where that is possible. The seizures are short but I feel like they last a long time. I have wondered in the past and still wonder now if my brain decided to start having them because I think too much, and it's a way of cutting that off for a bit. Its way of telling itself to shut up for a while. I believe my mom originally came up with that theory, ha. I know it's scientifically impossible, but I wouldn't blame my brain for wanting to stop thinking sometimes. Seizures are not the answer, though.

Lyrics I Love :) -- Calling You by Blue October

Calling You- Blue October

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away
So expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make a smile

[Chorus]
I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
(It's so hard sometimes)
Then I fell in love with you
(Then came you)
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make a smile
[Chorus]