Fat is Me

So I've looked at the scale a few times lately...appears I'm gaining weight. I've been surprised it has taken this long to start. I've been eating really bad for a long time and my body got back up to a certain weight once I started eating bad and kind of stayed there for quite some time. The strange thing is, I've had more than one person ask me if I've lost weight! That would normally have me questioning if the scale is messed up but clothes are fitting differently too. I sat down at my desk when I got to work this morning, and looked down to see my stomach sticking out and hitting the desk. GROSS! At that moment I thought "I've got to start doing better." About 30 seconds later I heard candy being poured in the dish behind me. What the hell? Who has it in for me? Yes, a normal person could probably hav e a few and get on with his or her life. But this is me we're talking about. Almost anything chocolate I will sample each time I walk by until it is gone. I am an overeater when it comes to sweets, and a binge eater at times as well. I love chocolate, peanut butter, ice cream, cookies, cake, etc. I've loved most food, especially sweets, since I was a kid and so I've had a weight problem since then. I wasn't born with one, I guess. I was only 5 lbs 3 oz! But I know I had one by kindergarten...sooner but I'm not sure how early. Maybe having nicotine in my system while I smoked for a year sped up my metabolism? Or going off the pill made me gain a little weight rather than lose? It doesn't really matter, it's only a measly 10 lbs. When you get to my size that's not really incredibly significant. I mean, it isn't something you want to gain but it's not like someone in the lower 100's gaining it. People I'm close to know I have a real problem with food, mostly sweets. Most people don't really understand it though. "Just have a little bit" they say. Or they tell me to pass it up. Great idea, don't get me wrong. But if I had the willpower to do that I'd probably be 100 lbs lighter right now. Oh happy day!


PS-While writing this I found a gray hair growing on my arm with all the brown ones. What the hell? I'm only 27!!!

Meh

I skipped work today. I shouldn't have, I guess. I never seem to build up enough sick time to actually use only that, so I had to use 3 hrs vacation. And I do have some stuff due this week. But I just...didn't want to be there. SO HORRIBLE, I know. I'm lucky to have a job. And my mom sends me an email every day from her work over in Idaho and gets an automatic reply when I read it, so when that doesn't happen she knows I didn't go. And usually makes me feel guilty because I can feel her disapproval. Yes, I'm 27 and my mom still knows if I miss work or not. It frustrates me that I have to feel guilty because of her. I mean, I don't HAVE to feel guilty but even when she doesn't say something I know she's judging me. I'm going to call her in a few and I know it will happen. We are very close and that's why she still knows pretty much everything about my life, but still...shouldn't this have stopped at some point? Oh well. I actually did some stuff. Read a large part of a book, and I never read anymore. Watched a movie I've been meaning to watch for a while. Ok, only a couple things. But those two things never seem to happen on the actual weekend. Enough blabbing for now. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel more like going to work..not that I will skip again. Too much to do!

From Both Sides Now

Here's a song again...I truly think the lyrics to this one are beautiful. Depressing perhaps, but beautiful. I've always loved the songs with melancholy lyrics.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Friday off?

Pretty please? No, I don't need to take the time. But you know you want to just give it to me because my work will be fairly caught up and my trainer won't be here to help answer questions. And the department lead won't be here to answer questions either. So you know you want to give me Friday off. With pay of course. I can't afford to take one without pay. But not a vacation day. Because I need to keep those. *sigh* OK, maybe I should force myself to stay late and then I could take off a little early? That might help a little. But I find it so much easier just to have all of Friday off. It is very hard for me to work a whole Friday lately. Could you please bless me and tell me to take Friday off? Oh, and who am I talking to? I'm not sure...

And I'm Awake...

It's almost 1am and here I am, awake when I have to be to work at 7am. Yes, I'm probably crazy. It's not even because I'm at the boyfriend's house or anything. It's just...because! Maybe extending the weekend as long as possible...prolonging time until the inevitable Monday morning. Of course I didn't get up until 2:30 in the afternoon today, and 3pm yesterday, so you could say I'm on a schedule of getting up late and going to bed late. I'd be much better off with an evening shift job, except I do prefer working during the day...although I'm not sure why. Better jobs tend to exist during the day? Who knows?

Yesterday consisted of me laying around the house doing absolutely nothing. I'm talking about Saturday when I say yesterday, mind you. I came home from the boyfriend's place after we both woke up, and played my video game mostly. Did various other things online, watched a bit of a movie, and finally started a book. Amazing how much time that video game took, because I didn't spend that much time doing the rest of it. Before I knew it, it was 4am. At least I got out of the house today...saw a movie with my friend, had an early dinner and just sat in the sun at the mall for a while. It was really quite a nice afternoon/early evening. I really do need to get outside more. I say this to myself a lot, so far it hasn't helped! But soon winter will be upon us and I'll have no reason to get outside. The days are already getting shorter. Yuck. I hate when it's dark all the time. The worst part about winter in my opinion.

Well, maybe I'll try to get some sleep now. I am going over to the boyfriend's place tomorrow night...it will be two whole days since I've seen him! :) We didn't spend time on Saturday because he hadn't hung out with a friend in a while, and his friend sessions tend to go till all hours. And of course he worked today. So I'll be missing him like crazy by tomorrow night. I'm still amazed I found someone like him. And grateful...very grateful.

Finances Suck

No, not a creative title. The last apartment I lived in turned into filth after my best friend moved out and her younger brother started taking it over and having his early 20's friends take it over. The carpet was totally dirty...garbage everywhere...gross dishes..and they'd smoke pot in the living room more than once a day. Well, we finally got to move out and I knew they would charge us for damages. But their parents were in town the night before and helped the brother clean the place up and said it was in decent shape so I thought it wouldn't be so bad. The mom is a clean freak. So we got the statement in the mail a month ago. They are charging us $619!!!! And that is after taking out the $250 deposit. Insane amount of money, and certainly something we can't afford to pay. I'm the only one working and I don't exactly make the big bucks, especially compared to my bills. I finally called today because I'm always the one elected to take care of things for some reason and they've turned us over to collections. I called the collections place about making payment arrangements and they said sure, how much can you pay today? I said $50 and the lady said screw you, pretty much. It HAS TO be $200 or they may turn it over to the credit bureau soon. I asked her where I was supposed to pull $200 out of, not that she cared. She kept saying "well, we can post-date it till the end of the month." Do you think I'll get an inheritance by the end of the month? Even if my jerk father died he has no money. That sounds mean, sorry. This was not a good way to start my Friday. My mom offered to loan me $200 to pay my portion and I guess I'm taking her up on it, even though she bails me out more often than I can count. This doesn't mean that the other two will pay up I suppose. I know them well enough to believe(?) they will try. I also believe HE should be the main one paying, but I'm not aggressive enough to tell him that, or start trouble with the family because I am close to them. But my credit is really good even if I do live paycheck to paycheck, and I don't want this screwing it up! GRRRR.

One quick note

It's probably an obvious point, but...it's hard to train at a new job when your trainer takes time off. Now it's time to run back and forth from my corner to find out information on things I don't know. Exercise is a good thing I suppose! Especially when the person training me brought in donuts today. *sigh* So much for ice cream after work, I've had too much other stuff.

An Evening at Home

I don't have to try to get some evening sleep. I'm not going to the boyfriend's tonight. I didn't last night either. It's strange, two nights apart. Better for my sleep schedule I suppose. But not so good for my paranoid side that won't SHUT UP! The side that says "why doesn't he want to see me tonight?" Even though he told me he has chores and odds and ends to catch up on. And a big part of me is fine with staying home, because I do like my alone time. Neither of us get as much alone time as we did before we met one another. I guess that obviously happens in a relationship. The thing is, we both value it. But I have this little voice in my head that tells me that something could be wrong when he isn't dying to see me every night. Even if I'm not necessarily dying to see him that night. I make no sense. He really is sweet to me. Randomly brings me flowers from plants that he sees..and occasionally buys them as well. Buys me dinners...I have randomly found money in my purse and I know he put it there. *sigh* I really annoy myself.

I have seizures. This may seem like a random subject change but bear with me. They started in high school and I certainly wasn't thrilled. I went to a few annoying doctors, including a complete quack, until I finally found a decent one about five years later. I'm not going into the details of that search right now. My seizures aren't what most people think of when they think of seizures. They are called 'complex partial seizures' and I basically stare off into space for 30 seconds or so, then I am extremely tired with a headache afterward. I'll generally choose to go to sleep if I'm in an environment where that is possible. The seizures are short but I feel like they last a long time. I have wondered in the past and still wonder now if my brain decided to start having them because I think too much, and it's a way of cutting that off for a bit. Its way of telling itself to shut up for a while. I believe my mom originally came up with that theory, ha. I know it's scientifically impossible, but I wouldn't blame my brain for wanting to stop thinking sometimes. Seizures are not the answer, though.

Lyrics I Love :) -- Calling You by Blue October

Calling You- Blue October

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away
So expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make a smile

[Chorus]
I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
(It's so hard sometimes)
Then I fell in love with you
(Then came you)
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make a smile
[Chorus]

My Saturday

My Saturday definitely turned into my Sunday. I took Friday off so maybe that is part of the reason why. You see, most of the time on Sunday I stay in my pajamas/sweats all day, don't leave the house, and basically spend all my time on the computer or sleeping. This day turned out that way and for the most part it was because I didn't spend it with my boyfriend. He has only been in my life for four months, sheesh! What did I do before him? Generally I'd force myself to at least go to the mall or something along those lines. Sometimes I have a friend who wants to hang out but she was often unavailable for a good six months due to her boyfriend she had met. But really, I was a very unhappy person before meeting the guy in my life now. I went into a makeup message board to have social interaction! And work was really my only other means. But I stuck to it after moving here, unlike when I moved to California for a couple months after college. For some reason I never got to a point where I wanted to leave...well I started to think looking for a job in FL might be a good idea right before I met the boyfriend. My best friend all through college lives there. But definitely a good idea I didn't go...imagine my mood in that heat! Even with A/C.

Anyway, that was a tangent that I went off on that I didn't set out to do. Back to my Saturday. I'm at the boyfriend's apartment rather than at home. Another big reason I didn't leave I think. I have a whole apartment to myself, rather than a room to myself like I do at my own place. I haven't had an apartment to myself since I lived in Idaho. I love where I live now compared to the apartment I previously lived in. Ever lived with a bunch of guys in their early 20's? I hope no one who reads this has. Only one was supposed to live there but he had friends stay all the time and I was too passive to say anything. The place became hell on earth to look at and I just stayed in my room when I was home, unless I had to go to the bathroom. It was my best friend's brother too and she was supposed to live there as well but she had started staying with her boyfriend long ago and so the brother had taken over. I probably would have gone insane eventually but I met the boyfriend before I did and was able to escape the place fairly often for the last few months of living there. Now I owe the complex a ton of money for damages. Ain't life grand?

Wow, my brain is going all directions tonight. This isn't unusual. It's usually going all directions. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD, ha. I've always been someone who thinks constantly. I think it's a curse, but it can be a blessing in some ways I guess. But now it seems I think of a bunch of different things all the time. Is it just more on my mind? Who knows. I take a million prescriptions with a billion side effects. So that could be one of them. How's that for exaggeration?

Well I think I'll get going for now. This is definitely a post with some random thoughts...and pointless information! Time to go stare at the TV, and fight my craving for cookies and cream ice cream.

Pasty White

Should this be the term used to describe me? Here's the explanation. Since changing to the new position at work I'm back in a corner so I don't see others a lot. One girl I used to consider myself pretty good friends with. She tends to make jokes a lot and others find her really entertaining, including myself. When I do make it out of my corner to socialize, I see her once in a while. EVERY TIME I see her lately, she says something about me being extremely white. This has been going on since the 4th of July because I remember her saying something about it after coming back after that weekend. "You're the only one that came back after this weekend whiter!" she said jokingly. It's finally starting to get on my nerves. No, I don't get out a lot in the sun. Being hot makes me irritable, I take a med that makes me sensitive to it, but really I don't want to have bad skin when I get older. I like myself better somewhat when I'm tan but I guess not enough to put in the effort and cause the damage...at least not yet. I'm beginning to like hanging out in the corner and hiding my pasty white skin. But maybe I won't have too many wrinkles in my 60's!

Work

So I don't want to be here. At all. I was okay when I was getting ready this morning but now that I'm here I'm irritable and feel like throwing things. Which wouldn't be hard around here. My desk is fairly chaotic and the desk I sit next to is even worse. And my butt hurts. This training chair and my butt don't get along. I could go get the chair from my desk but it would make this desk seem more permanent somehow. I could really use more padding on my butt. Take some fat out of my stomach please. Usually women my size have a bigger butt than I do. But no, my weight all resides in front so my behind can hurt while I sit at my desk all day. Learning everything in this new job is difficult and is going to take a while. I know this. I was told this. But a lot of things would make the process better I think. Including a softer chair.

Billing

I think I came up with a motto for my new job..."Always be Prepared"
Does that sound familiar? :)