Thoughts Driving Me Insane

I'll just be upfront. My ex has been on my mind. It's stupid, it's crazy, but it's happening. I love the boyfriend. He is a wonderful man, and I do love him. The guy I just called my ex, well we were never officially together. We were friends and lovers off and on since 2004 and we didn't ever get to have a lot of time together in the same place at the same time. The last time I saw him was in September of 2008, when I dropped him off at the airport to leave the country for the third time since I met him. We hadn't broken anything off when he left (not that there was officially anything to break off) but I knew he was leaving for at least a year and that was that. I had my share of stupid decisions after that (having a rendezvous or two with men who were taken, dating a major jerk for about a month) but then the boyfriend came along in April 2009 and we've been together since then. And I love him. I really do...

I'll call the ex J. Well, J has always been a wanderer, restless if he stays in one place for too long. He wasn't a cheating, ladies' man type, so that's not the reason we never tried things officially. We have sent messages back and forth since he has been out of the country, and since I've been with the boyfriend. Mostly just talking about how life is going. He'll say something flirty once in a while but it's silly. I may say something back but it's nothing. It's usually more making fun of him than anything else. The lack of closure that we had is what comes back and eats away at me from time to time. When he left, it wasn't a permanent goodbye. It wasn't "I'll wait for you" either. It was just...he left. And it's not like he's trying to get me to be with him. He told me going after someone who is taken is not his style, he's seen how badly that goes. Him and I were never in the same place at the same time, and we probably never are meant to be in the same place at the same time. This is total rambling. Lately I am in one of those moods where nearly every song I hear I can relate it to something that had to do with him. He was in my dreams last night...across the parking lot at a grocery store, I had to squint to see if it was him and realized it was and he embraced me. And I still think the best week of my life was when I went to Japan and visited him when he was there. Do all women try to bring drama into their lives when things are going reasonably well? Is my restless side looking for a kindred spirit? I literally jumped inside the other night when I saw his name pop up on the game we both play...he signed in and started talking to me. Okay I am done for now. At least I got some of it out. Sleep soon.