Thoughts Driving Me Insane

I'll just be upfront. My ex has been on my mind. It's stupid, it's crazy, but it's happening. I love the boyfriend. He is a wonderful man, and I do love him. The guy I just called my ex, well we were never officially together. We were friends and lovers off and on since 2004 and we didn't ever get to have a lot of time together in the same place at the same time. The last time I saw him was in September of 2008, when I dropped him off at the airport to leave the country for the third time since I met him. We hadn't broken anything off when he left (not that there was officially anything to break off) but I knew he was leaving for at least a year and that was that. I had my share of stupid decisions after that (having a rendezvous or two with men who were taken, dating a major jerk for about a month) but then the boyfriend came along in April 2009 and we've been together since then. And I love him. I really do...

I'll call the ex J. Well, J has always been a wanderer, restless if he stays in one place for too long. He wasn't a cheating, ladies' man type, so that's not the reason we never tried things officially. We have sent messages back and forth since he has been out of the country, and since I've been with the boyfriend. Mostly just talking about how life is going. He'll say something flirty once in a while but it's silly. I may say something back but it's nothing. It's usually more making fun of him than anything else. The lack of closure that we had is what comes back and eats away at me from time to time. When he left, it wasn't a permanent goodbye. It wasn't "I'll wait for you" either. It was just...he left. And it's not like he's trying to get me to be with him. He told me going after someone who is taken is not his style, he's seen how badly that goes. Him and I were never in the same place at the same time, and we probably never are meant to be in the same place at the same time. This is total rambling. Lately I am in one of those moods where nearly every song I hear I can relate it to something that had to do with him. He was in my dreams last night...across the parking lot at a grocery store, I had to squint to see if it was him and realized it was and he embraced me. And I still think the best week of my life was when I went to Japan and visited him when he was there. Do all women try to bring drama into their lives when things are going reasonably well? Is my restless side looking for a kindred spirit? I literally jumped inside the other night when I saw his name pop up on the game we both play...he signed in and started talking to me. Okay I am done for now. At least I got some of it out. Sleep soon.

Self-Sabotage

That has to be what I'm doing right now. I honestly can't think of anything else. It's what I have been thinking that I may be doing, and after the boyfriend said he thinks it as well today without me even saying it I'm pretty sure it must be true. But why?
I miss so much work lately that I should be fired. I've missed every day of work this week so far. I don't understand myself. Sometimes I'll be so deep in sleep I won't wake up. Fine, get a louder alarm clock. I used to sleep through alarms for 45 minutes when I was a kid, not hear them ringing. But I grew out of that once I got a little older, until now it seems. But this isn't the sabotage I'm talking about...although it is pretty stupid that I haven't just went and got a new alarm by now. I'm talking about the other days I don't go. The days that I do wake up, come out of the bedroom, tell myself just a few more minutes and fall back asleep on the couch for two hours. I may even wake up again at a time that it is feasible to go in but I keep telling myself it's ok to sleep a little more. I know I'm doing an idiotic thing, but I do it anyway. I slept until noon today, despite the fact that the boyfriend had me reasonably awake at 7:30am. I came out, laid on the couch and told myself 15 more minutes. I tell myself at night not to do it, but morning comes and I do. And yes, sometimes I don't get enough sleep but I don't think it's that. The nights I do get enough I do the same thing. I can't answer myself when I try to figure out why I'm doing it. I don't hate my job. My boss has been beyond understanding but I'm afraid he's going to reach the end of his patience soon...like maybe I'll go in and get fired tomorrow. Then what the hell will I do?
While I'm at home, I might do a little but I mostly sleep and play my video game. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to turn into my father. I mean, not the jerk part, but I think the reason he lost jobs is because he just didn't go and laid in bed all the time. Hmm, who does that sound like? I'm trying to pinpoint when this started happening. I'm wondering if it's when my neurologist put me on a generic antidepressant that's similar to the one I was taking before. I have an appointment with my general practitioner on Friday and I think I'm going to ask her to put me back on the previous one, because it is different and I wonder if it was the change that started this...wish me luck.

Nothing Clever Comes to Mind

I rarely have a clever title for my posts, so I figured I'd just put it out there right now. It's 4am and soon I will get ready for work, instead of sleeping. I'm wondering if I'll ever have a "normal" sleep schedule again. Oh well, no sense getting on that topic. That's for me, myself and I to work out. Or maybe me and a tranquilizer dart. :P

Oh, as for the saga of Faith...I'm pretty sure she didn't sleep with Jesse again. Joe is being a pretty big jerk now, in my opinion. He won't meet up with her to talk, so after a couple days when she started feeling stronger she told him it was fine, she didn't want to be chasing after him, to bring her stuff back and that would be goodbye. Then he said "friends?" and she didn't know what the heck to say. He was being a...ahem...dummy in my opinion by saying that at that moment. So she just said to give her the stuff back. The "stuff" by the way is some memorabilia she took to him at work a couple weeks ago to remind him of the person she is and remind him of them. She also gave him a card which he claimed he hadn't had time to read yet. She's a good artist and she put a painting of a rose she did in there and she really wants it back. So after she said no he told her he's not giving her stuff back. And that's basically where it's at right now. Joe used to seem like a good guy but now I don't know what he thinks he's doing. I don't know if he's just playing games, if he really has a girlfriend, or what.

What's going on with me in particular? Well a lot of birthday's are coming up. Plus Halloween will be here soon. The boyfriend's friends and family have a tradition of celebrating everyone's birthday's with a party and there are three in November but I believe we have decided to consolidate the parties into one. Plus the boyfriend's sister is having a party on the night before Halloween. As for the birthdays, one is mine on the 10th of November. I'll will be 29, yikes. Two of the boyfriend's friends are born in November as well, one on the same day as me. I kind of don't like sharing my birthday with someone else the boyfriend is close to...but shh, that's just between me and whoever actually reads this. :) It doesn't matter that much, really. Last year the boyfriend and I had only been together for about 7 months and I didn't want to make his friend's celebrate my birthday so I made sure that mine wasn't really the focus of any party. This year I figured I'd be part of it since it has been a lot longer. The other night everyone met up at a popular eatery we all go for dinner. I chose to skip and be lazy but everyone else showed. The topic of the upcoming birthdays came up and I guess one of the friends said "are we obligated to buy something for Melissa too?" The boyfriend apparently got protective and I think the matter was resolved quickly. But I don't want anyone to feel as though the are obligated to buy something for me. Sheesh. I honestly think sometimes the birthday thing gets a little out of control with this group, but I know it started for the sake of celebration. I'm just the whiny type who gets stressed by too many celebrations. :)

All right, I'll get going for now. A few more minutes and I'll get ready for work. And actually, maybe get there early. And people will react with shock and awe. Which actually starts to get on my nerves too. Hmm, maybe I'm too sensitive lately.

Two Mental Health Days

I've taken two days off this week already, so I haven't been to work yet until I go in a few hours and have Wednesday be my Monday. Sounds good, right? *sigh* I wish I thought that. I still have been missing too much work and I have my mom freaked out because of it (mind you, she's over 300 miles away) and I really did not plan on missing any this week. But I'm not on here to talk about missing work and how I do it too often and I'm dumb for doing it. That's obvious and it has been covered. But I really felt as though my reason on Monday was justified.

It started on Sunday night...well, ok, it started three years ago but I won't go back that far. My friend, we'll call her Faith (Faith Hill is playing right now) called off the wedding between her and her ex-fiance a month before they were supposed to be married a little over three years ago. He was devastated, she was sad but felt as though she wasn't ready and wanted time. It led to a complete breakup. Flash forward to about a year and a half ago. She's together with a jerk (my opinion on the boyfriend, we'll call him Jesse) and talking to her ex-fiance again on a regular basis because they've always been best friends. We'll call the ex-fiance Joe. When she was together with Joe they lived in California and she moved up here after they broke up and he came up here to try to get back together with her, and left after a year or so to go back to be near his family and work down there. But Faith and Joe started talking again after she started seeing that she had lost someone she had truly cared for when leaving Joe, especially after dating a couple jerks and getting in a serious relationship with Jesse, the major jerk. Again, my opinion of Jesse the whole time and her opinion toward the end.

So...a few months later (keep in mind it has been 3 years between the original breakup and now, 2 years since she started dating Jesse) Joe decides to move back up here again and buys a house. Tells Faith to take her time getting rid of Jesse, that he's not going anywhere or looking for anyone. That was about four months ago, and Faith finally got rid of Jesse a couple months later, decided to give it one more chance because he promised to be different, he wasn't, and broke it off again last week. She contacted Joe because she wants to talk to him, to let him know she finally had to courage to break it off with Jesse, and he's pretty much ignoring her texts and phone calls. She finally gets in contact with him and he tells her he has found someone that makes him happy. She's freaking out. He says it's over and that he'll be her friend as long as she "plays nice" but that's it. So my friend Faith got drunk on Sunday night and went over to his house that way (thank goodness her brother took her keys away and drove her) and cried in Joe's arms while he told her he had a woman upstairs. He began crying as well I guess. I don't know, I wasn't there. So when she called me and told me that Monday morning, I asked her if she needed someone to be there with her and if so I'd call in to work and she said yes. So I did. There was no way I could really make it better other than being there but I went over and did my best to help. I'm not sure if Joe is really done or not or if he's blinded by lust for this new girl or if he's playing a game to make Faith feel as much pain as he felt when she left him. I mean, I completely understand where he's coming from. And if he moved on, well...then he did. My friend can be quite selfish...but it seems life he has loved her for so long and to finally change his mind when it was so close seems crazy. But I've never actually been around Joe other than meeting him a couple times...again, she lived in a different area when they were together.

I felt really drained after spending most of my day with someone in that much emotional turmoil. I fully intended to go to work on Tuesday, but I only slept from 11-2 very restlessly and then finally fell back asleep at 5am and just felt horrible. I didn't really talk to Faith much yesterday until the evening, she called to tell me that Jesse had contacted her. Yes, Jesse the one I don't like. Apparently he wants to spend "time" with her and he misses her. I asked her if she was seriously considering it and she told me that she was lonely and wanted someone and there wasn't any emotional attachment left anyway, and she didn't want to go look for some stranger to do it with. I told her if she went and did something like that I didn't know if I could continue to talk to her about this stuff. And that people sometimes have to go without sex. She said "well Joe doesn't want me anyway." The woman can't be alone. And I'm sure it's gratifying that he wants her. I can't say I've never made any mistakes, but I swear it's emotionally draining ME to watch her do this stuff over and over. I am reaching the point of wanting to bitch slap her. I think that's part of the reason I've wanted her to get back together with Joe-it sounds like she was actually normal with him. Is that why she couldn't stand to stay with him, she was actually happy?

Is death becoming more certain than taxes?

I always thought taxes were honestly more inevitable to surround me at all times, but I'm starting to wonder. The boyfriend told me today that a man that he works with died over the weekend. This man was only forty years old and it was unexpected. He just...died. No accidents or anything like that. He had been tired a lot, had trouble sleeping and trouble staying awake, had some trouble breathing and had a doctor appointment the next day...that he didn't make it to. I don't know if it was a severe case of pneumonia or what. The thing is, this is the third employee that has died at the boyfriend's work this year. This is totally weird to me. And these are people he knew, too. Both the others were older but they were both unexpected as well. I told him he should get his butt home and stay away from the death trap. Of course it's not possible and it sounds insensitive, but it is a little scary.

I found out today my uncle needs a liver transplant. This is my uncle on my father's side, his only brother. My uncle is only 2 years older than me because my grandma had him so late in life by accident. He arrived extremely early and in 1979 they didn't know a whole lot about what to do when that happened so they gave him a lot of steroids and who knows what else to keep him alive. I believe all this resulted in him having medical problems his whole life - of course genetics could have been a factor. He had to have his spleen removed when we were kids. We actually were quite close while we were growing up. So I found out today via family on Facebook that he's coming over to the Seattle area to see a specialist and find out about getting a transplant. I don't know how easy it will be to find one. I've heard that he wants to give up. I hope he doesn't. I want to go see him, hopefully there is a good chance. And the boyfriend wonders why I don't want to have kids someday- see all the genetic stuff that runs in my family?

Up Too Late

I really should write more often, but it just never seems to happen. Nothing in August, one in July, and only one this month so far. I guess that means I have other things to do...or I'm just too lazy. Honestly some days I have a lot on my mind and it probably would be good to get it out rather than sit and think about it but I feel like I don't have the energy to do so. And really, I haven't made many changes in my life lately. Oh and there are changes I need to make.

I've talked about the food/overweight/health issues plenty of times. I believe I have a doctor appointment scheduled for October and I haven't really made any effort to start eating better or exercising. Last week my friend wanted me to go walk on a trail with her and take her dog for a walk. The walk lasted quite a while and by the time we got back my back was killing me. It doesn't hurt on a regular basis but if I stand in the wrong position too long or walk too long it does. I think it is sick of carrying my gut around. I couldn't force myself to have good posture when I was walking up the hills on the way back because it hurt, and the way I was walking hurt too. I definitely need to get in better shape. I've always been obese but I have been in better shape than I'm in right now. That will help the blood sugar...I hope.

I'd like to write more but I believe I'm getting too tired. I want to get back into reading more, and I'd like to read some classics. Not many people read this, but does anyone have any suggestions? I'm debating between "East of Eden" and "Wuthering Heights" right now. OK, time for sleep.

Recent Events Have Me Questioning...

Why on Earth do the good people of the world seem to be dying lately and the ones who live harshly and are not very good people are still alive? That may be a very blunt question, but that is what my half-asleep brain is thinking right now. A lot has happened this year to people I know and even to myself. I know two girls who have lost their fathers. I lost my grandmother. Granted, she smoked and drank a little more than she should have but she was still a good person. There was an accident in a mine in my hometown that killed a man who was only 29, with a wife and a newborn. He came from a family who had lost at least two others to mining. A fellow blogger lost a nephew who was much too young to be leaving this world in my opinion. Yet someone like my father is still here-he who hasn't done anything for anyone but himself in years. Someone who would hardly be missed if he was gone. Yes it sounds horrible for me to say these things about him to an outsider but it's the best example I have right now. But if people must be taken from this world I would think some of the awful individuals could be taken first.

Take Me Away

I feel like I need to get away. But I can't figure where I need to get away to, or if I will feel any better once I get away to that place. In all honesty, what I feel like I need to get away from is myself. I don't think that's possible...But if it is let me know.

I'm really high!

I got the monitor on Friday and took my blood sugar as soon as I got home. Well, one hour after eating. And it was in the 200's. Yikes, that is not good at all. I just started taking my pills again so I know they haven't had time to stabilize my system but I'm freaked out a little. What if she wants me to start doing shots of insulin the next time I go in? I can't imagine giving myself shots. :( A couple other times I took it it was better. It was in the 130's a couple mornings when I woke up, and in the 160's after dinner. Not good, but not as bad. Then this morning it was in the 200's again! But it had only been five hours or so since I had eaten. I had a few rice cakes before bed. All in all I'm trying to do better. I haven't had any major sweets since before I went to the doctor. It's hard to explain to the boyfriend about the difficulty I have with food, especially sweets. Yes, I crave a huge burger sometimes. Or rich pasta. But really sweets are my weakness. I can binge on something that is way to rich for most people. Carrot cake, cheesecake, endless chocolate chip cookies...it is actually a little difficult just writing about them. I feel as though I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to these things. Similar anyway. And I don't think I've met anyone in my entire life that understands it. Why I can't just say no. Or just have one. Ok I'll just have one...dozen.

So I'm officially a mess

Well I had the doctor appointment. The main reason I wanted to go was because of the painful toe but I knew it was time to get the other, ahem, checkups as well. I've officially gained 20 lbs since last year. Since the last time I went there, which I believe was May 2009. Yeah, I knew I had gained weight, and I'm not someone who can afford to do so. A lot of my shirts aren't fitting well, although some of my pants still fall off of me. That's what I get for having a gut but a lack of an ass for my size. Anyway, I've been slacking off on my blood sugar pills for quite some time so it's time to start taking those regularly again. Why did I stop? They cause an upset stomach a lot which certainly gets annoying. But it's better than making sure I have an early grave I guess. I really need to start eating better. The doctor even talked to me about a weight loss surgery yesterday. She asked me if I've ever considered one. I've been overweight since I was a little (well, not so little) kid and generally someone who has been as long as I have doesn't change. There are some people who manage to do it but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's something I'll have to think about rather than immediately go for though. I talked to the boyfriend about it last night and he really didn't like the idea of surgery. He's overweight too but he hasn't been his whole life like me. He said he wants to try to work together to lose, but I usually discourage or push back. I felt like I was getting a lot of blame when I feel like he has never really pushed to start getting healthy. But I don't know, maybe I have pushed back and didn't realize it. God knows I resist and resist. If I didn't resist I'd be a lot smaller by now. So now I'm supposed to write down a log of stuff I eat and get a blood sugar monitor again. I don't mind, I know it's necessary. I want to get in the habit of writing down what I eat anyway.

After I got home and took a nap I checked my email and had a letter from the financial aid office at the school I was thinking about applying to. I was leaning toward not applying anyway, between schedules and now needing to get on track health-wise. But now I'm definitely not applying, because they will not even give me enough in student loans to fund the education! Let alone have anything at all left over. That's what I get for having four year degrees already I guess. Oh well. I guess it's just not meant to be, at least not right now. More time to work on me I guess. Speaking of work...I should do some of that. At least it's Friday...

I Wanna Go Home!

Is that something new? No. It's pretty much my daily philosophy anymore. I never write lately but if something major happens hopefully I will share it with the few of you that read this. Anyway, I have a doctor appointment in an hour and I hope someone in charge will give me permission to work from home for the rest of the day. I don't have a lot of work to do but I do have some stuff I can take care of if I really want to. They have slowly been giving me more cities to handle at work. I think they can tell I get bored. The problem? I still often wait until later to start working on them because I know I can get it done in a shorter amount of time than I have. Sometimes I get paperwork for two cities a week in advance, and I have nothing due within that week, but I know I don't need that whole week to get them done so I procrastinate. I honestly think I just get bored easily though. Part of it may be a short attention span in general, which I think I developed with age and could be a side effect of the pills I take. But I think the rest is always wanting something more. I've worked here for nearly two years and the first year was in one position, the second in this one. I know we're not getting raises, I know I'm not getting promoted. I know I'm lucky to have a job and have people I get along with around me. However, I know this isn't my dream and back in high school I always thought I'd have a career, not just a job. Maybe it's because I was the smart kid back then, who knows? It has been ten years since high school, I have two bachelor degrees and nothing to show for them besides student loans.

I've been thinking about going to school lately, to be an esthetician. I've always loved the makeup/skincare/beauty industry in general and I think it would be quite interesting to work in. I even toured a school last weekend. The problem is, I would have to work full-time in order to have insurance (and most likely enough money) while in school. In college I never worked, so I can't imagine what that's like. And since I have a bachelor degree already, I'm not eligible for a Pell grant. If I get anything it will be loans most likely. But I don't think I could make it ten months with eight hours of work and four hours of school four days a week. I'm just not that ambitious. Especially since the school and my home are pretty far apart (downtown vs suburb) so it would be a much longer day with bus commutes.

Well, that's what's on my mind for now. Wish me luck at the doctor- I just love going! Ha.

A Whirlwind of Life

Why haven't I been writing lately? The lack of reasons to write? The lack of time? The lack of ambition? Probably mostly the last one, although I never feel my life is that adventurous so there you have it. But really some things have happened in the last month, so this post will probably be a hybrid of everything.
First of all, my grandma died on May 4th. She was actually my step-grandma, married to my mom's dad, but they had been married before I was even born so I'd always called her grandma. She had been sick with cancer for quite a while so it wasn't a surprise, but still upset a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely sad but I wasn't as close to her as many other people were so I didn't take it as hard I guess. So I went back to Idaho for a few days-unplanned trip and I had not made the drive by myself in quite some time but I made it fine. The funeral started to seem more like a church service, and I didn't really see why, but oh well. And I didn't cry, but I rarely cry at funerals. I guess I'm odd. I saw my family and tried to avoid most other people in the small area I am from. I'm not all that social of a person a lot of the time and I only care to see people I want to see. I am mostly like this about people from the past, AKA people I went to HS with. So I avoided the local Walmart, the one place everyone shops! But I did go to see my friend Tabitha. I've known her since third grade and we've had a lot of time apart off and on since then but she's a good friend still today. She has two kids and a husband now. It is strange sometimes seeing her now...I want to preface this by saying she is still a very pretty girl, don't get me wrong. But in high school (and a few years after) she was always fairly thin and fit society's definition of gorgeous. Not that she ever cared about that. She was never concerned about being popular and she is definitely a quirky girl with her own personality. :) But now she has gained quite a bit of weight and tells me she is somewhat depressed and often doesn't feel good about herself. I wish I could be there to be a good friend and help her feel better. But being around her family also got me thinking. I don't know if I'll ever want to have kids. I've felt this way since I was a teenager, honestly, and even though there have been a couple times that I thought I may feel differently I know that I really don't. And it's not because I look at her kids and think "ew", lol. It's because I can never see myself wanting to have that responsibility. And, well, the boyfriend feels differently. I was pretty sure of that when I first started thinking about it in Idaho and I clarified it when I got home. I asked him if his opinion on it was "No, maybe leaning toward no, maybe leaning toward yes, or yes." But he also said not to worry about it right now because he's not wanting to have them right now! I don't think he was even maybe leaning toward yes though...I'm pretty sure he was yes. But I'm not dwelling on it, which is surprising for me. I'm living for now when it comes to this.
Well, there are more things that can be talked about right now, including the talk I had with my mom regarding childhood, getting in a little trouble at work, and sleep deprivation, but I have done nothing today and I really need to get to work. Perhaps I'll get the ambition to post later?

A Case of the "Blah's"

I've been in a very lackluster mood lately. Usually when my boyfriend and I are together I feel fairly happy- he is always making me smile and laugh- but in general I don't feel inspired to do much, and I find it very hard to get out of bed and go to work in the morning. Once I'm there, I find it very difficult to stay the whole day. Is it because I'm not getting enough sleep? That could be part of it, yes. But it seems that I can't get that back on schedule, partly because I'm a night owl by nature. Is it because I haven't been taking any vitamin D and haven't for months, despite the fact that I was told a year ago my level was extremely low. For some reason I just have the urge to get away for a while; to where, I don't know. I feel as though I'm craving something new and different and I don't know why. Maybe I have some form of seasonal depression, who knows? I probably need some kind of counselor, I have been on an antidepressant for years and I probably need more than that. I've talked a little about the stuff I've been through in my life on here and it probably warrants counseling at some point. :) But I don't even know how to find a "good" one. How the heck do you go about finding a good counselor, one that is easy to talk to, etc? Oh well. We'll see, maybe once the weather gets better my mood will change. And I'll make some effort to get more sleep when I should be sleeping(yeah, right). I've called in to work one day a week for the last month and I'm lucky I haven't gotten in trouble yet. Then I'll sleep those days away instead of being productive. And I'll sleep Sundays away too. I don't need to be the person who sleeps all the time, then loses their job and is worthless. AKA my father. *sigh*

Obsessed With a Song

Ok, so I never write lately and that's bad. I need to get back in the habit but other parts of life seem to be taking over at the moment. And now I'm going to write something that is mainly just song lyrics and will probably not yield any kind of interest but oh well. At least I'll have a couple posts in April. I always seem to have some song I'm really into listening to at the moment, whether it's a few days, a few hours, or a few weeks. Obsessed is probably a strong word but oh well. This song came on when I was listening to iTunes on my computer the other day and I've been listening to it some and I do remember the person who used to think of it as one of their favorite love songs, which is the guy I used to date that I spent time with in Japan. I do seem to think about him on a daily basis, but not in a way that I wish to be with him. He does come into my dreams a lot however and that bothers me because I don't think that's something that should happen when I have someone in my life. I guess I can't control my dreams though. Anyway, back to the song. Here you go...have a nice day.

Love Song by Tesla

So you think that it's over,
That your love has fin'lly reached the end.
Any time you call, night or day,
I'll be right there for you if you need a friend.
It's gonna take a little time.
Time is sure to mend your broken heart.
Don't you even worry, pretty darlin'.
I know you'll find love again.
Yeah.

Chorus:
Love is all around you.
Yeah
Love is knockin' outside *YOUR* door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know
Love is all around you.
Love is knockin' outside **YOUR** door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.

Chorus / Outro:
Love will find a way.
Darlin', love is gonna find a way,
Find its way back to you.
Love will find a way.
So look around, open your eyes.
Love is gonna find a way.
Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way.
Love will find a way.
Love's gonna find a way back to you, yeah,
I know. I know. I know. I know.

Sadness

I'm busy at work and I've written so little lately but had to put something down. My parents had to get their dog (Pebbles) put to sleep yesterday and it has made me quite sad. She was only 9 which I don't consider that old. They got her right when I started college so she wasn't a puppy I grew up with but she was a big part of everyone's life. I think it makes me even more sad when I picture the times she was around for my family and that she won't be there at those times anymore...greeting family members when they got home from work, always wagging her tail, loving the snow and hating the rain. But she's not in pain now and it's for the best. We'll miss you Pebbles.

I am still alive

Just haven't been much in the mood for blogging. Perhaps something will strike me soon and I'll be writing all kinds of stuff. Until then...

Wordless Wednesday (a day late)

Post-It Note Tuesday (I'm trying this!)

Wordless Wednesday (kind of)

Adventures in Moving

So the move officially started on Friday, and it was pretty much over on Saturday evening, though there were a few things from my place that had to get picked up on Sunday, and my place and the boyfriend’s both had to get cleaned on Sunday as well. I got all but $25 of my deposit back so I was happy…the last place I live was so awful that the three of us had to pay over $600 back all together. So now everything is in the place but certainly not put away. He has a lot more than me but not all my stuff is put away either. I even missed work yesterday, partly due to simply being exhausted, and didn’t get a whole lot done. A lot of what I did was sleep, though. I think I needed it after the whole weekend and how tired I was. I’ll give you a synopsis.

I took Friday off because that was the day we started and the day we got the keys to the new place. That day the boyfriend hired packers to come over and get his stuff packed up, which sounded lazy to a lot of people (including some of you, perhaps?) but it was a blessing, really. They were efficient and given the amount of stuff he had and the lack of help we thought we might have it was a good idea. His sister came up and a friend of his came over, who can pretty much lift a car. :) At first we thought his sister might be the only person we would have to help with the move but luckily this friend was able to get time off of work. Another friend wrote the boyfriend an email saying it would be against his beliefs to help an unmarried couple move in together so…anyway, I was glad this friend came through.

The boyfriend’s sister brought two tall bookshelves from IKEA up to put together for the purposes of combining our DVD collections, and we decided to go buy desks that day and put them together that night because the majority of the stuff wasn’t getting moved until the next day. The packers were actually moving the stuff the next day (Saturday). We moved some of my stuff over Friday, but basically all I was able to do was hang some clothes in the closet due to lack of places to put other things. So, the boyfriend and I both found desks and we brought them back and by that time another friend had gotten off of work and decided to make his way over. I’ll tell you now we ended up with more help than we ever thought we would- the boyfriend has some awesome friends and I am very grateful for it. The desks, well, his was easy to put together. Mine was an accident waiting to happen. And it’s now together after hours of labor (by the friends, mind you) and the drawers don’t quite work correctly but I am not going to complain (at least not to them). It bugs me a little but I’ll live, the thing was so complex! They’re good enough and I’ll definitely be making cookies in the near future as a gesture of thanks. So that was the first thing that didn’t go quite right.

Other things- well, there are a few flaws in the place that maintenance missed that can be fixed and some already have been taken care of. The blinds in one of the bedrooms didn’t work, a burner on the stove didn’t work, one screen on the window was slightly torn (these have been fixed). The carpet doesn’t quite meet the tile at one point, which still needs to be fixed. The one thing really annoying about the place that can’t be fixed- lack of bathroom space! The place has two bathrooms…two. But it only has a cupboard underneath the sink in each bathroom and that is all the storage. Oh, and a tiny medicine cabinet. No drawers, no shelves, NOTHING else. So we’re doing our best to figure it out-buying drawers to go under the sinks for organization, most likely buying shelves to put up, etc. But the bathrooms are tiny, not just lacking storage, so there won’t be a lot of room for shelving. And you must understand, the boyfriend actually has a LOT of bathroom stuff. Possibly more than me, and I’m a girl (well, duh). I have tons of makeup, despite the fact that I rarely wear it lately, and it is basically in a disorderly fashion in these drawers now because it has to be. I don’t want to throw most of it out though, because I want to start taking care of myself again and putting effort into my appearance. But honestly the lack of bathroom storage seems to be the biggest obstacle so far.

Because we ended up with so much help (by Saturday we had the boyfriend’s brother-in-law and father as well) I didn’t feel like I did as much as I could have, but yet I was unbelievably exhausted Saturday night. We went and had Italian for dinner and then came home and I was ready to just lie around for a while. Then I started to feel gross…nauseous. Sometimes this happens to me when I have gone too long without sleep so I immediately tried to go to sleep but between my mind racing with thoughts from the move and my stomach being upset I finally got sick. I really think my body just didn’t like the food because I felt better afterward, though I hate throwing up (sorry, you probably don’t want to know). So yes, I haven’t done that in years and the first night in my new place I threw up. Welcome to your new home! That was my second thing that didn’t really go well…ha.

This is getting way too long, so I won’t go into a ton of detail about Sunday. Just cleaning, the boyfriend’s friends helped AGAIN. :) One of them helped us put some artwork up on our walls so that was nice. Then yesterday I stayed home, slept most of the time like I said. Then last night I woke up and did some stuff. Then my last thing (hopefully LAST) for the move that hasn’t gone very well happened. I get these pains in my mid-back. They are on the inside though and I’m not sure if they are related to gallstones or kidney stones or what. They hurt like hell and often travel to the front while I’m having them…or maybe the front part is from the way I’m breathing, who knows? Anyway, the first time I had one was last May and I was given some pain killers and told to get a scan but I never got the scan, oops. I have only had a few since then and maybe used the pain killers 2 or 3 times. So one of those happened last night and after waiting for a while I took a pain killer. So two out of three nights in the new place have been a little too adventurous. Hopefully tonight is relatively tame. If you made it to the end of this I congratulate you. Wish me luck with the rest of unpacking!

Something Quick

I haven't posted much lately-last week was very busy at work and today was stressful until about 20 minutes ago when I got my city done and made the deadline, yippee. I'm either bored or super-busy it seems. I ended up doing a bunch of extra time on setting up the properties in the computer system for cities last week, so that cut into work time as well. I hate having that duty. A lot of us in the department get hours doing that, some more than others "glares toward supervisor's area" but I had to take others hours last week a few times and my Friday hours were busy AND I had a big city due Friday. *sigh* Oh well, that part is over. It really is surprising I got my stuff done for today with the time I had. Now I must wrap the rest of the week up before Thursday afternoon, because I'm taking Friday off. Yay, a three day weekend. No, not really yay...I'm moving. Yes, it's the big move and I'm not really looking forward to it. What I mean by that is that I really don't like moving. It's not that I don't want to move in with the boyfriend. I just don't like moving. Luckily I don't have a lot of stuff, that certainly works in my advantage. He has a lot but he hired movers, heh. Oh, has anyone else been craving a warm beach lately? I haven't been to Mexico in a few years and for some reason it sounds so nice, even though I've never been much for being hot. But with a pool and the ocean there how can you go wrong? The boyfriend and I are talking about going next spring. Well, I should get back to doing something somewhat useful, so this is it for now. Wish me luck on the move!

The Best Days

I'll start off by saying I'm still getting flowers! Can you believe it? He wants to get me flowers every day until Valentine's Day. When he said the roses represented "the past" he meant that the flowers each day are meant to convey two years of my life...14 days in February multiplied by two and there you have it, my age. So I still have a few more days of flowers to go. I'm not sure if anything is happening on Valentine's Day itself or not. I don't know what I should get him. Originally I thought we were going to keep it low-key but now I'm getting extremely spoiled. What do you get a man for Valentine's day?

Anyway, that's not what this post is supposed to be about. Hmm, I'm not sure how to start. I guess I think a lot about how much I love the boyfriend and he has definitely changed my life for the better. I had a low point in my life before meeting him...my self-esteem has never been good and it still isn't but I think it bottomed out due to various things that had happened in 2008, including job-loss and romantic rejection. Despite a lot of the complaints on here about small things I am much happier right now than I have been at other times. However, I still can't quite say I experienced the "best days of my life" so far with him...let me explain what I think these are.

The best days of my life happened one week a few years ago. I went to Japan, stayed in Narita (near Tokyo) and visited a guy I had been dating off and on for a while. We dated off and on through 2008, really, but that's another story. Anyway, I have a bad memory so I don't remember a lot of details about the trip. And no, it's not from drinking. I think I may have gotten tipsy from sake once. But it was so carefree...being on the other side of the world where I knew no one but him, having absolutely no responsibilities, no one to keep track of me. And well, we were completely in lust with one another at the time too so that was part of it. And honestly so far I think those were the best days of my life. I want to have a carefree trip like that with the boyfriend so I can say that time was with him. Because I love my time with him, and some carefree time with him would be even better! I'd love to be able to say the best days were with him, and I'm sure I will be able to at some point. I have a feeling I'll always remember that trip to Japan fondly though...

More Flowers!

I've received flowers every day this week...Monday, Tuesday and today. Monday was the red roses. Yesterday there were three white flowers...I'm horrible at distinguishing most flowers, but they looked like they could have been chrysanthemums? Today I got three more flowers! They are beautiful, but once again I don't know what they are. Shaped kind of like sunflowers with a smaller center. Yellow in the middle and light purple petals. I ruined part of one of them trying to get it in the vase but they still look good. When I asked about the roses on Monday he said they represented the past. I don't know what he's talking about at all, but he said I'd see soon. I don't know if he's going to try to give me flowers every day until Valentine's Day or something...it's crazy. :) Well, I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's day before, so I think this makes up for it!

Smells Like Roses

My week started off with a surprise...I got in my car this morning, in a hurry as usual, and there were two red roses on my front window held under by the windshield wiper. It brought quite the smile to my face, though I had to grab them in a rush and put them in the seat and take off rather than go in and put them in water. That's what you get when you're me, eternally running late in an area where traffic is not your friend. I found a vase in the kitchen when I got to work, however, and they are currently sitting on a shelf above my desk. Too much danger of getting knocked over on the chaos that is my desk. This is really all I should write for now, though I want to write more. I have stuff I should do (aka work). And I am frustrated at my blog. I changed the layout and various settings and the comment/time posted/posted by area is messed up and ABOVE my post. I don't like it and I'm not going to grow to like it. I'm a creature of habit when it comes to this kind of stuff. :(

What is going on??

The "comments" are now right under the title of my post instead of at the end. I don't like that! And I can't find a way to stop it. Lame. :(

I didn't bring anything for lunch!

And I want something yummy to eat. All we have here is a vending machine with candy and chips and that's bad. Give me suggestions if anyone reads this! Hehe.

I SO Don't Want to be Here

You guessed it, I'm at work. I really don't know what my problem is. I've had much, much worse jobs that this one. This job saved me from the Safeway deli and I will be forever grateful. Well, not this exact job but the company anyway. This is not a bad place to work by any means. I have a nice, cool boss and most of my coworkers are cool to be around as well. Let me put it this way- as much as I complain about one of them, it isn't at the point where that person picks on me or anything so I can deal with it usually. But most days I truly find myself wishing I was somewhere else. I certainly wouldn't say ANYWHERE else, but somewhere else. The problem is, I don't know where. In a gorgeous house on a beach next to the ocean? Sure, that sounds great. But lets get serious...

Obviously I wasn't born into a trust fund or I would have talked about it by now. And I don't think I'd be working full-time. Probably volunteering and vacationing a lot. It has been 10 years since I graduated high school and I was the valedictorian of my class, though it was quite small. When I graduated high school people expected me to do something with my life. I expected me to do something with my life. Sure, I received college degrees but all I have to show for it now is a ton of debt. Why do I still think I need to find a field that "means" something to me, or that I feel like I was meant to do? I know a lot of people who go through life not doing something that they feel they were "meant" to do. My mom is an administrative assistant for an accounting firm, and she enjoys her job, but I doubt she feels like it was her calling. Most of the things I think it would be wonderful to do are extremely difficult to get into anyway. I think it would be great to be a writer, but I haven't written anything in ages and I don't even have any ideas anymore. Photography is something that I really like, but that's a pipe dream as well. I may have a slight knack for seeing pretty pictures, but it takes a lot more than that. And there's a part of me that would still like to go back to school and get my master's and become a counselor, but I'm still not sure that's what I want and I better be pretty damn sure before I even try to work something like that out.

Hmm...I guess that's all my brain can come up with in this area for now. I really don't know what I'm searching for, but will I know when I find it? Or perhaps I'm just being my whiny self.

It's almost 2am

A country song is playing and I'm blogging. Don't worry, I won't post the lyrics to this one. It's good, but doesn't make me want to cry or anything like that, ha. I haven't written in the past week, probably because I've actually been busy at work. I tend to write at work or in the middle of the night when I'm at home. I'm usually at the boyfriend's on the weekend and I don't write there because he actually doesn't know I have a blog. Of course, you probably figured that. I have complained about him a few times in it. He really is a great guy but wow he made me mad Monday night. I got up to change to my jeans, grabbed my keys and was going to walk out but he got up and put his arms around me and told me not to go. It all went back to the "alone time" again. He told me he had said that he wanted to be alone on Monday night and I said I didn't remember that and finally got pissed because he needed the night before alone as well and he was making me feel like I am just a pain so I was going to leave. Plus we are going to move in together next month and I've asked him multiple times if he's sure, because he won't get 'nights alone.' He always says he's sure. Granted, quite often I plan on actually being asleep once I'm not 'going over' and it's actually my home. I don't feel as though I need to be with him every second, which is probably how a couple sentences above came off. I can go more than a night without seeing him. But I get annoyed at the fact that it always seems to be him that decides when we will be together. I guess it's hard for me to make that decision when it's his place however. I pretty much always want to see him when he wants to see me however. Ramble ramble ramble. Who cares? I've met women much needier and much more psycho toward men than me, believe it or not...

Work has been a bit overwhelming this week. I got a couple new cities, which is good because I've been bored. However this happened right before a busy time on my calendar and a long weekend so I've been behind. I think I got somewhat caught up though, we'll see. I really need to remember to bring my iPod and headphones in with me every day. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to work with it on, but I think I'm going to lose it if I hear much more of the drama coming from "the cubicle" over yonder. I hope my coworker and former coworker aren't offended when I blog about being annoyed at coworkers, but it drives me nuts to hear this day after day. I've been dysfunctional when it comes to men before, don't get me wrong. But have I been this bad? Day in day out it's some sort of needing advice, I'm done, what's he thinking, what does he want, etc... I have been this way. It was always over one guy at a time. And there have only been a couple. She is constantly going out with a new guy, fretting over him, asking all these questions, and constantly being disappointed. I probably sound callous. But the main reason I'm annoyed is because it's ridiculous how loud it gets over there. I hear all the man problems because of how loud she speaks, and it gets really old when I'm trying to concentrate on something. Well, it gets really old in general. Now the way the office is set up it is easy to hear other people's voices/conversations, but she is just louder than necessary. Even on personal calls...or sometimes especially on personal calls. I also hear all the noise from the lunchroom in my cube so that can get old as well. I could write a gossip column for the office because of the stuff I don't even try to hear.

Ok, this has really just been random stuff because I'm not really focused on anything. Tomorrow after work I'm supposed to drive south of Seattle to help the boyfriend cat-sit for his sister and bro-in-law for the weekend. We've done it before and it's nice to be in a house, just a little crazy because they have five cats, two are kittens and extremely hyper. Just not looking forward to driving south in rush hour on a Friday...

Apparently I'm a spice girl

We had cake at work today for my boss's birthday. Apparently spice cake is one of his favorite kinds so that is the flavor our department had. It's not one of my favorites but face it, it was cake and I had more than my share. Big surprise. Not to say it wasn't good, but it wasn't carrot cake or chocolate cake, which are my favorites. I see the inspirational blogs that my friend GypsyJody has been posting lately and it makes me want to do better. There have been times in my life where I have done better. But it has rarely been eating well and exercising at the same time. Generally it's a half-assed effort to exercise combined with eating fairly decently. Once I make an effort to eat well and eat less I tend to lose immediately. That's what happens when you're over 100 lbs. overweight rather than 10-20 pounds overweight like some people. My grandma, 67 years old, is probably only a size 10, MAYBE a size 12. That's amazing to me, I'd love to be her. But she can't help but wish she was a size 6 or 8 like she used to be. I always hear people say "oh, if I could only get down to the size I used to be." Ha, I wouldn't mind being what I was a couple years ago. But not what I was in college. I reached my highest weight in college. About 25 pounds higher than I am right now. I'm now at the highest weight I was in high school, which does not please me. Food is certainly a comfort thing to me, as well as the perfect distraction when I'm bored. And sweets are totally my biggest weakness. And not the kinds that are "fat-free" like licorice. Oh hell no. Cookies, cakes, ice cream, cheesecake, all the worst ones for you. And it's not that I don't love greasy cheeseburgers and rich pasta. But if there is hamburger sitting in the refrigerator I can resist making one and eating it. But if there are homemade chocolate chip cookies in the place, I am going to be devouring them all day. Sometimes I'll go part of a day lately thinking "I'm going to eat well" and the next thing I know I'm eating something bad without even realizing it. That's how much trouble I'm having with getting in the mindset of trying to do well again. My attitude toward getting healthier is so warped right now I can't even remember it from one moment to the next. Do I need to write it on the back of my hand or what? Well, it's about time to leave work. And I really want to stop at Jack in the Box and get a cheeseburger with fries and the fat girl's ketchup. *sigh*

What is it with me and depressing songs?

I heard this one over the weekend I was at my parents' house during Christmas. They get a ton of channels and they get the country one that actually plays videos. Well tonight I got on iTunes and remembered this one and downloaded it. I've always loved songs about heartbreak and this one certainly applies. I thought for years it was because I was constantly chasing someone who didn't want me...a couple different someones, but none of them ever wanted me the way I wanted them. Well here I am, finally with someone who cares and I care for him too, and I'm still loving the heartbreaking songs. I mean, this one made me cry, tears rolling down my face. Is it because of the hurt in the song, or because of the past? Or maybe I'm just tired, I tend to get weepy easily when I'm tired. I wish it was a little later, I'd seriously just go to work and get it over with. Anyway, this post is about the song. As usual, here are the lyrics. Gah, I want to snuggle with a teddy bear right now.

"Keep You" by Sugarland

We said goodbye. Tried our hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So run away, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' someone else who wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.
Then all that disappears.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

Suddenly I'm FRUSTRATED at the world

And I'm too frustrated/don't have enough time to blog about why! ARGH!

The Fat Girl's Ketchup

I hear a lot of people talk about french fries lately. About how french fries are their weakness, and the greasiness is incredibly fulfilling when consumed. Some people are better at resisting than others. I'm not one of these people. Why, you ask? A lot of the reason is because I love "the fat girl's ketchup" so much.

Have you heard this term before? I hadn't until last week. I hope it's not a copyright infringement or something. Anyway, it's a term for ranch dressing and I guess using it other places besides a salad? Well, I love it. And especially on my french fries. Which probably explains why McDonald's fries aren't a major weakness of mine, because I don't dunk them in ranch. But as for other places...I love Jack in the Box fries with ranch. I got a little pissed at the boyfriend one time when I got Jack in the Box and he only asked for two ranch. You see, I got chicken strips that time instead of a burger, and two little containers of ranch is not enough for chicken strips and fries. Yes, I love it on my chicken strips as well. Red Robin is another awesome place for this. I often get "clucks and fries" and of course a container of ranch. Chicken strips and fries dunked in ranch, my own little piece of greasy, fattening heaven.

Now I can't say I'm one of those people who puts "the fat girl's ketchup" on everything. Chicken strips, fries, sometimes on my salad (if I ever have one) are pretty much my main things. Sometimes sandwiches if I'm going all out. I've seen some people put actual ketchup on almost everything. I find it strange. But I'm sure others find me strange. I take something fattening and make it worse. Ketchup would be better, even if it has sugars in it. I even decide to make my burgers worse...I choose mayonnaise on those rather than ketchup. I didn't even know I preferred that until college. Gotta love what a college education did for me. So what should we call using mayo in place of ketchup? Hmm...

WHY?

Why can't I ever concentrate on my job? I can't even blame it on sleep all the time. I got plenty of sleep last night. Ten hours or so. BLARGH. I need to be employed, I certainly can't survive on my looks. I have debt, that's for sure. And even if I'd like a few weeks off, I'd go insane after a while, I know this about myself. And the place I work is certainly not a bad place. So WTF is wrong with me? I barely got anything accomplished yesterday and today has not been any better. I'm looking for excuses to leave, yet I know I don't have the time and I need to stay. Is it because I know this was not my calling in life? I don't know WTF my calling in life is. I don't really think I have a calling in life. To eat a lot and lay around and sit on my fat butt. Well, I often lay rather than sit. Do you know how dirty my room is? Well, not necessarily dirty but messy. I can blame a lot of it on not being home and being tired when I am home, but my goodness it's pathetic. Piles of clothes, various boxes, mail. It's sad, I should not be that messy. I'm not a teenager. I think I'm wishing I was or something. Or maybe I should have been a teacher...long breaks would be nice.