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I miss so much work lately that I should be fired. I've missed every day of work this week so far. I don't understand myself. Sometimes I'll be so deep in sleep I won't wake up. Fine, get a louder alarm clock. I used to sleep through alarms for 45 minutes when I was a kid, not hear them ringing. But I grew out of that once I got a little older, until now it seems. But this isn't the sabotage I'm talking about...although it is pretty stupid that I haven't just went and got a new alarm by now. I'm talking about the other days I don't go. The days that I do wake up, come out of the bedroom, tell myself just a few more minutes and fall back asleep on the couch for two hours. I may even wake up again at a time that it is feasible to go in but I keep telling myself it's ok to sleep a little more. I know I'm doing an idiotic thing, but I do it anyway. I slept until noon today, despite the fact that the boyfriend had me reasonably awake at 7:30am. I came out, laid on the couch and told myself 15 more minutes. I tell myself at night not to do it, but morning comes and I do. And yes, sometimes I don't get enough sleep but I don't think it's that. The nights I do get enough I do the same thing. I can't answer myself when I try to figure out why I'm doing it. I don't hate my job. My boss has been beyond understanding but I'm afraid he's going to reach the end of his patience soon...like maybe I'll go in and get fired tomorrow. Then what the hell will I do?
While I'm at home, I might do a little but I mostly sleep and play my video game. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to turn into my father. I mean, not the jerk part, but I think the reason he lost jobs is because he just didn't go and laid in bed all the time. Hmm, who does that sound like? I'm trying to pinpoint when this started happening. I'm wondering if it's when my neurologist put me on a generic antidepressant that's similar to the one I was taking before. I have an appointment with my general practitioner on Friday and I think I'm going to ask her to put me back on the previous one, because it is different and I wonder if it was the change that started this...wish me luck.
2 comments:
Melissa, I totally do understand. I went through a similar thing at my old job. They couldn't fire me because I had the FMLA forms signed out by my doctor. I hope you have one, or if you don't then I hope you GET one. I know your doctor will be more than happy to sign it for you.
I feel similar things starting up again with this job. But the point here is you, not me. I think you are depressed. People can get depressed without knowing it. Maybe your medication is just wrong for you so I am glad you're going to the Dr soon. There are days when I just don't want to go to work... not because I don't feel good but because I just don't FEEL like going. I don't feel like getting in the shower, to worry about my appearance and to be nice to people all day that are beasts. And I used to listen to that voice all the time. I just wouldn't go. I've had to train myself to be firm when I wake up. Don't listen to the voice that says 15 more mins. Its hard to do.
I keep telling myself NOT to miss any work for the rest of the year. But the way things are going there, I just don't wanna be there. I really don't. It would be perfect if I could work from home, so I don't have to bother getting dressed or being nice to people. Okay, this comment has gone on for too long.
Hang in there Melissa. Whether or not it's self-sabotage, one thing is for sure. It's up to YOU to change it, not anybody else. It sucks to be an adult sometimes!!
how have you been?
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